October 1, 2014 - Adm. Mike Mullen

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The Colbert Report episode guideEPISODE NUMBER: 11003 (October 1, 2014)
GUESTS: Adm. Mike Mullen | Louisa Lim
SEGMENTS: Protests in Hong Kong | Protests in Hong Kong - Louisa Lim | Bill O’Reilly Takes Offense | Mike Mullen | Sign Off - Goodnight
EXCLUSIVE: Extended Interview - Mike Mullen
SUIT REPORT: Dark Pin Stripped Suit | White Shirt | Blue/Silver Stripped Tie
VIDEOS: Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Protests in Hong Kong

  • And the latest news out of Hong Kong has me worried about its residents’ safety … [looks at fortune from a fortune cookie] In bed. And everywhere else.

“Massive protests filling the streets of Hong Kong.”
“Tens of thousands of these demonstrators have packed into the highways and streets, mostly in the city’s central financial district.”
“They clashed with police who reportedly pointed long-barreled guns and used tear gas for the first time in years.”

  • Yes, protestors in Hong Kong are being attacked with tear gas. Or as it’s known in China, the sky.
  • It’s all about democracy. You see, after China took control of Hong Kong from Great Britain in the late 90s, they promised “Free elections for Hong Kong’s Chief Executive in 2017.” But now Beijing says “Candidates must be hand picked by a committee of pro-government tycoons.”

That is not right. Americans know candidates must be picked by anti-government tycoons.

  • So, thousands of Hong Kongolese have taken to the streets in a collective action the New York Times calls, “…A Challenge to Xi Jinping’s Rule,” The Associated Press describes as an “…unprecedented show of civil disobedience,” and the official state paper China Daily downplayed in favor of the bigger news that 10,000 pigeons were given anal security checks leading up to celebrations for China’s National Day.
  • That’s right, 10,000 Chinese pigeons were anally probed. I am no expert on the Chinese Zodiac, but I know whose year it’s not.
  • But I hope the Chinese government is listening because, gentlemen, the world is watching and you have a choice here: You can crush these protestors under your heel, or you can do the right thing and grant them the rights they were promised.
  • Think carefully, because whichever you choose, America will still do business with you.

So do anything you want, as long as your factories keep pumping these little babies out.

Protests in Hong Kong - Louisa Lim

  • Here to tell me what the leadership of China wants to do is the author of The People’s Republic of Amnesia. Please welcome, Louisa Lim.

Stephen: What do you think is going to happen? Do you think the Chinese are going to roll the tanks in on the Hong Kong-ge-ans?
Louisa Lim: At this point it’s really difficult to say. We’re seeing very mixed messages. The riot police were withdrawn, but there was an editorial in the People’s Daily today, which is the party mouthpiece, which says if people do not withdraw from the streets - it said the assemblies were were illegal - and if people did not withdraw the consequences would be unimaginable.
Stephen: Perhaps they will do to the protesters what they did to the pigeons.

Bill O’Reilly Takes Offense

  • Folks, during this last commercial break, I found out that I have upset someone very dear to me: Bill O’Reilly. My mentor, my North Star, the emergency contact on my Soul Cycle membership.

And it hurts me to know I hurt the man I admire most. Just as Bill would be hurt if he hurt the man he admires most: himself.

  • You see, last Thursday, I praised Bill’s plan to win the war on terror with an international army of 25,000 paid mercenaries, making it almost as large as the cast of The Expendables 3.
  • I loved Papa Bear’s idea of war without political red tape so much, that I put forth my own equally-thought-out plan from the fourth grade: An army of expert double ninja super soldiers with laser nunchucks. It’s a can’t fail strategy.

Bill O’Reilly: People like Stephen Colbert mocking the plan. They don’t know anything. But by being completely vacant, it doesn’t stop these people from mocking ideas that might have some value, might solve some complex problems. Mr. Colbert and others of his ilk have no bleepin’ clue how to fight the Jihad.

  • That’s outrageous! Bill O’Reilly has to do his own bleeping? Come on, Rupert Murdock. Spring for the bleep machine!
  • I’ve got one. Watch: Bill O’Reilly is a (bleep) egomaniac.
  • But more importantly, how can Bill say me and others of my ilk don’t have a clue how to fight Jihad? Bill, baby doll, you’re of my ilk. We’re ilk mates. We’re members of the same ilk lodge. We dip our cookies in the same glass of ilk.
  • I wasn’t mocking your plan. I’m the only one who likes it. Everyone on your own show thinks you’re insane.

Tom Nicoles: This is a terrible idea. It’s a terrible idea. Not just as a practical matter, but as a moral matter.
Charles Krauthammer: With your idea, you’ve gone from out of the box to off the wall.
Kirsten Powers: There’s a lot of different reasons I oppose this.
Juan Williams: What about accountability?
Mary Katharine Ham: There is a highly trained skilled force that can go forth in many of these places. It’s already trained by our Special Forces. It is our Special Forces.

  • Do not listen to those guys, Bill. Plenty of people love your plan.

Bill O’Reilly: Last week we asked you to vote in a BillO’Reilly.com poll. Do you believe a mercenary force paid for by coalition nations is a good idea? 70% yes, 30% no. About 20,000 of you voted.

  • See, 70% in a non-scientific poll. That means Bill’s most loyal fans, voting as many times as they want, gave it an overwhelming C-.
  • And tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I am putting up an even less-scientific poll on my website asking The Nation whose plan is better, mine or Bill’s. And the results are in before I’ve even asked - it’s that unscientific.

As you can see, they both got 100%.

  • At that point, I thought Bill was done with me. Turned out, he wasn’t bleeping finished.

Bill O’Reilly: In the world of the ideologue where Colbert lives, solutions don’t really matter. It’s how you feel about things. So in your life, when you confront a person who criticizes you but has nothing constructive to say, run fast.

  • Even more great military advice! Remember, mercenaries, when you confront opposition, run fast. I think Bill’s the one who trained the Iraqi Army.
  • But I’m man enough to admit that Bill is right. I am an ideologue and that’s why I’m not worthy of his mercenary army, because mercenaries don’t have ideology. They just kill anyone you pay them to.
  • In fact, if someone else pays them more, they’ll kill you!
  • So, Bill, please, I want to say something that I feel. Let’s not fight. Or if we do fight, Bill, let’s at least pay other people to do it for us.

Interview - Adm. Mike Mullen

My guest tonight spent 43 years in the navy. That’s even longer than that guy from the village people.

Stephen: Can I tell you why I think the American people might be tired of it? And want to go back to bed? And I’m speaking for myself, and, therefore, the American people. We’re asked to be afraid of it. You get to think about it all the time or you did get to think about it all the time and say to yourself, “You know what? That little corner of the desert looks like it could blow up real good. Let’s go over there.” Whereas, we’re asked to be afraid of it and we’re reminded to be afraid of it, but we no longer have much of a voice in it because our Congressional representatives won’t vote on whether we’re supposed to do anything about it. We’re not asked to sacrifice that much for it. Very few of us go fight. And we’re also not told all that much about what’s happening over there. So, all we have is the fear and none of the action. And so we eventually want to stop thinking about it. And that’s why that 25,000-man mercenary army starts to sound good. We also want to stop caring about what happens to our men and women who go over there, because we don’t want them to sacrifice for something that we don’t think is right. And yet we don’t have much voice in it anymore.
Adm. Mike Mullen: So, you bring up a concern that I have with respect to a growing disconnect between the men and women who serve in this all-volunteer force, who are the best I’ve ever seen. They’re less than 1% of the population. They come from fewer and fewer places in America. And the American people who didn’t have to buy into these wars, as you said - and I agree with that - and certainly the vast, vast majority didn’t have to fight in them, don’t know who we are as a military. And in fact - and I’ve said this many times - what I actually do worry about is that we become some version of something like the French Foreign Legion, which is please go off and fight our dirty little wars and let us get on with our lives. And I think that’s a disaster for America. We need to be connected to the American people and we need to do that through the system that’s here; those that are elected. And I certainly agree that those who are elected ought to vote on what we do. And we ought to have a fulsome, raging debate about that in this country.

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