September 25, 2014 – Walter Mischel

The Colbert Report episode guideEPISODE NUMBER: 10160 (September 25, 2014)
GUESTS: Walter Mischel
SEGMENTS:Intro – 9/25/14 | Eric Holder’s Resignation | The Suspicious Death of Staten Island Chuck | Bill O’Reilly’s Elite Strike Force | Smile File – The UAE’s First Female Fighter Pilot | Walter Mischel | Sign Off – Marshmallows
SUIT REPORT: Black suit | White shirt | Blue diamond pattern tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, September 25, 2014

Attorney General Colbert

Attorney General Colbert

Intro – 9/25/14

Tonight, can military action solve the world’s problems. Well it’s certainly alleviated the global rubble shortage. Then, a surprising ally in the war on terror. Meet the family black sheep, Brian bin Laden. And my guest, Walter Mischel, says the key to success is the patience to delay gratification. Ooh! I want some delayed gratification now! A New Mexico police officer claims to have seen a ghost on a surveillance camera. But he let it go because it was white.

Eric Holder’s Resignation

  • I’m being told we have footage of Attorney General Holder escaping the collapsing Obama regime in the nick of time.

Cue scene from Return of the Jedi where a young Eric Holder, played by Billy Dee Williams, just escapes the death star Obama regime before fire engulfs the Millenium Falcon.

The Colbert Report Mitch McConnell

  • Holder will be leaving in 2015, but so far no replacement has been named. So, tonight, I humbly offer my services as attorney general of the United States.

The Suspicious Death of Staten Island Chuck

In February, Mayor DeBlasio was at a Groundhog Day celebration and as he was handing off the little guy to the handler and dropped him. A week later the Groundhog was dead.


Check out the above ‘Woodfellas’ graphic. Look for the jokes. It’s good.

  • At the time that de Blasio dropped [Staten Island Chuck], it seemed like an accident, but think about it – Staten Island is the only borough that de Blasio lost in the mayoral election. So, clearly, he responded in the only way Staten Island understands – with a mob-style execution.

Bill O’Reilly’s Elite Strike Force

  • We need boots on the ground, yet Obama refuses to send troops on the flimsy excuse that no one in the world thinks that’s a good idea.

There is apparently only one person who knows better than anyone about how to fight our wars, Bill O’Reilly. He thinks paid mercenaries are the answer.

Bill (on TV): You wouldn’t believe how many military people were calling me saying what a great idea it is.

Stephen: He’s right! I wouldn’t believe him.

Three other Fox pundits dared to disagree with him and they are still working at Fox, last we heard.

Stephen introduced his fantasy version of what he thinks would work, from the drawings he made in 4th grade.

Stephen Colbert fourth grade drawings

  • These guys are all primed for the kill because they were frozen in cryostasis right after they saw their dog killed. Which means when they thaw out they’re like, ‘Nooooo!’ Karate chop! Pew pew pew! Backflip! Land on a skateboard! Punch a dinosaur!

Smile File – The UAE’s First Female Fighter Pilot

We have a new ‘facepalm internet meme:

Fox Five facepalm“The Five’s” Eric Bolling and Greg Gutfeld were making sexist jokes about the female fighter pilot from the UAE who flew bombing missions against ISIL. Their female co-host was all but apologizing for them.

The female non-blonde host, shown facepalming above was upset over the jokes made by their male co-host.

  • Boobs on the ground? This is a women fighter pilot. Show some respect. It’s clearly a pair in the air. I think there’s nothing wrong with referring to some one by their naughty parts. That’s where I agree with the cocks on Fox.

Interview – Walter Mischel

“My guest is a psychologist who says delayed gratification leads to more success in life. So if you really want to go places, you’ll wait for the paperback.”

Walter Mischel on The Colbert Report

The tests were started in the ‘60’s. A child has two marshmallows on one side and one on the other and a bell to ring to call someone into the room. The child is told they can eat the one marshmallow…and Stephen has already eaten it.

Stephen Colbert eating marshmallows

Stephen: Do we even need the SATs anymore if we’ve got the Marshmallow Test? Just get all the kids in the room, and the kid who waits for the two marshmallows – right to the Ivy Leagues.

Sign Off – Marshmallows

Stephen Colbert eating marshmallows