December 8, 2014 — President Barack Obama
EPISODE NUMBER: 11033 (December 8, 2014)
GUESTS: President Barack Obama
SEGMENTS: Mr. Colbert Goes to Washington | Better Know a America - The Fightin’ Us | The Word - President Barack Obama - To Health in a Handbasket | President Barack Obama Pt. 1 | President Barack Obama Pt. 2 | Sign Off - See Ya
EXCLUSIVE: President Barack Obama Extended Interview
SUIT REPORT: Dark Suit | White Shirt | Red/White/Blue Stripped Tie
VIDEOS: Monday, December 8, 2014
Mr. Colbert Goes to Washington
- Tonight’s broadcast emanates from our nation’s capital. There’s electricity in the air. Can you feel it? At least I think it’s electricity. They just legalised pot here.
- Last night, I got a contact high just walking down to street, and ended up in my hotel room binge-watching C-Span. I think it was C-Span. It might have been my shower curtain.
- D.C. has been “The Report’s” second home for the past nine years, and part of me will always be in the capitol. My portrait is in the Smithsonian. My wax figure is in Madame Tussaud’s, and my iPhone is in the panda pen at the National Zoo.
Better Know a America - The Fightin’ Us
- America began 270 million years ago as part of Pangea, until it split off, thanks to Jesus. It was just a happy accident -all he was trying to do is send an earthquake to punish gay dinosaurs.
- Then, in 1776, America happened. The founding fathers gathered in Philadelphia and unanimously declared — we should really move the capital somewhere else.
- When visiting America, don’t miss out on its signature dish - food. Look for it under the melted cheese.
- Of course, the Republican landslide in the midterms was a stinging rebuke of the president. I checked, he didn’t get one vote.
- And yet, right after the midterms, he issues an executive order shielding up to 5 million illegal immigrants. […] Now he’s making them S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents. Nick Fury must be … very angry.
- Then the president signed a climate change accord with China, pushed the F.C.C. to adopt net neutrality, and wants to put cameras on cops. Obama is totally out of control. He’s like both guys in “Lethal Weapon”. He’s a crazy renegade with nothing to lose, and a black guy who’s this close to retirement!
- Worst of all, Obama is threatening to give us health care again, because from now until February 15th is the ObamaCare open enrollment period, when you can go online and select whichever death panel you prefer to smother you in your sleep.
- Don’t fall for it! He can’t make things happen. The people with real power in this country are pundits like me and Papa Bear.
Bill O’Reilly: “I have more power doing what I’m doing, okay, than getting involved with the political process. Plus, you have to kiss butt to get money. You know, 150 million to run for president. I can get things done like that. And that kind of power I could never have in elected office ever.”
- O’Reilly clearly has more power than the president. When’s the last time Obama sold self-lubricating catheters?
The Word - President Barack Obama - To Health in a Handbasket
- Point is, I could be a politician like that *snap* but a politician could never do my job, which is why everyone should listen to my cure for ObamaCare, and that brings us to tonight’s … [In walks President Obama]
Stephen: President Obama I didn’t expect you to be out here for another three minutes.
President Obama: Stephen, you have been taking a lot of shots at my job. I decided I’m gonna go a head and take a shot at yours. What part of the segment are we in now? What were you going to be doing?
Stephen: I was about to do”The Word,” sir.
President Obama: “The Word.” How hard can this be? I’m just going to say what ever you were about to say.
- Nation, instead of “The Word,” let’s make this a little more presidential, which brings us to tonight’s “Decree”… To health in a hand basket.
- Nation, as you know, I, Stephen Colbert, have never cared for our president. The guy is so arrogant, I bet he talks about himself in the third person
- .
In between those long pauses
- But even I have to admit that ObamaCare is the law of the land. And while it’s been politically divisive, there are things that people from both parties like about ObamaCare.
Everything but the “Obama”
- Now, nation the question is how do you stop something that more and more people are starting to like?
Move it to CBS?
- Well, first off, now that the Republicans control both the House and the Senate, they could pass a bill repealing ObamaCare. But the president still has the veto. And if I know that guy, he’s willing to use it.
POTUS interruptus
- And let’s face it. Even if Republicans somehow did repeal it, they’d have to replace it with their own healthcare plan.
Fracking the elderly?
- Then if anything goes wrong, suddenly everybody will be complaining about “Mitch McConnell Care”.
Walk-It-Off.gov
- I believe there’s only one surefire way to kill this thing.
Deny it health care
- We have to make signing up for ObamaCare unappealing to young people.
Send request via LinkedIn
- Remember the original Healthcare.Gov web site? I think that’s where Disney got the idea for “Frozen.”
“Let it looooad!”
- Now, the new web site works, and most young people can get covered for less than $100. But how’s the President going to get that message out to the kids? He could try to appeal to them directly through a speech or a press conference, but young people don’t watch real news shows like this one.
Or fake ones like Fox
- They watch comedy shows, and I just don’t see the President going on one of those. They’re beneath his dignity.
But above his approval rating
Interview — President Barack Obama Pt. 1
My guest tonight is the leader of the free world, and was recently named permanent guest host of the “The Colbert Report.” Please welcome President Barack Obama!
President Obama: I have to say, I felt more powerful behind that desk.
Stephen: With great power comes medium cable ratings.
Stephen: Now, to speak of which, you’re the leader of the free world.
President Obama: I am.
Stephen: I am the host of a cable show four nights a week. Guys like us understand leadership. […] Are you still president after the midterms? Because the Republicans are quite surprised that you’re doing anything at all.
Stephen: Can we see a show of hands, how many people voted.
President Obama: Not bad.
Stephen: Though I have to say a crowd of young people raising their hands to their charismatic leader is disturbing.
President Obama: Actually, the truth is the economy had been on a pretty good run. We’ve had 57 straight months of private sector job growth, over 10 million jobs created.
Stephen: I’ll give it to you, you’ve employed a lot of people -
President Obama: We have.
Stephen: — mostly as secretary of defense.
Stephen: I have a suggestion that I think might kill two birds with one keystone here, all right?
President Obama: Go ahead.
Stephen: This one’s free, okay? You can use this. We don’t build it down to Louisiana. We take it over the Canadian border, build that pipe all the way over the Mexican border, we leave the other end of it open with a sign that says mucho job so the people take the thing all the way over the border, they end up in Canada, and the Canadians are too polite to kick them out and there’s your immigration policy.
President Obama: That sounds like a ridiculous idea. But that’s why you’re where you are and I am where I am.
Interview — President Barack Obama Pt. 2
Stephen: Do you still get excited or have you ever been excited when you hear the words President Barack Obama?
President Obama: No.
Stephen: Do you like the job?
President Obama: I love the job. It’s an incredible privilege, but when you’re in it, you’re not thinking about it in terms of titles, you’re thinking about how do you deliver for the American people, and also when I go home, Michelle, Malia, and Sasha give me a hard time, and there are no trumpets and they tease me mercilessly for my big ears or my stodgy suits —
Stephen: do you do normal things like leave your socks on the floor and stuff like that?
President Obama: I do.
Stephen: how does that go over?
President Obama: Not well.
Stephen: You have the nuclear launch codes, right?
President Obama: Yes, I do.
Stephen: I’m not going to ask for them.
President Obama: Good.
Stephen: Can you tell me if there’s a 5 in there?
President Obama: No.
Stephen: I want to go back one second to 2008. Part of your campaign was believing that the president at the time had invested the executive with too much power. Then you became president, and you seemed to have a whole lot of power.
President Obama: Right.
Stephen: Does that happen to every president, where you get into the office and you think, you know what? I might be the only one I trust with this much power, so I’ll hold on to it?
President Obama: Well, for the first time, you’re asking a sensible question.