December 4, 2014 — Paul Farmer

EPISODE NUMBER: 11032 (December 4, 2014)
GUESTS: Paul Farmer
STAFF CAMEO: Matt Lapin | Paul Dinello
SEGMENTS: Barack Obama to Appear on The Report | Outrage Over Eric Garner Decision | Obama’s Bold and Beautiful Ambassador Pick | Paul Farmer | Sign Off - Grimmy
SUIT REPORT: Dark Suit | Light Blue Shirt | Navy/Maroon Stripped Tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, December 4, 2014

Tonight the Colbert Nation received the greatest possible news: nine years after the launch of the program, and eight years after Stephen’s historic roasting of President Bush, a sitting President will appear on the Report. To say this is a tremendous honor is an understatement; truly a fitting tribute and a nice bow to put atop the ending of this fine show.

Aside from the bombshell news, we had fantastic cameos from TCR staff, including Paul Dinello back as the eye-patched soap opera star, and Matt Lappin as a poor, murdered guy attempting to bring Stephen water.

Paul Farmer made an impassioned argument for his non-for-profit Partners in Health. “Sell me on helping people,” Stephen’s character’s favorite question of guests such as Dr. Farmer. I will miss the character’s utter selfishness.

What was your favorite moment on the show? Let us know in the comments, and we’ll have lots more for you later.

Thanks to Clem for being heroically awesome and contributing greatly to this guide!

President Barack Obama to Appear on The Report

• If you watched my show on Monday night or tried to pretend you weren’t watching it at work on Tuesday, then you know that I am taking my show down to Washington, DC. It’s a one-night only special this Monday.

• Folks, I’m going down to DC. I’m going to see all the sights. The big tooth pick [Washington Monument], mega-Lincoln [Lincoln Memorial] and of course the pool [The Reflecting Pool], with that handsome man staring out of it.
• And my show is going to be a star-studded evening, because I’m a star and a stud.
• But, of course, the highlight is that I lined up one of my favorite 90s alternative bands, The Presidents of the United States of America, to play their hit song “Peaches.”
• Unfortunately, there was a bit of a mixup and I did not book the band.

• So, Nation, mark your calendars. Monday, December 8th at George Washington University.
• Tickets are already sold out. So reserve a seat in your living room now.

Outrage Over Eric Garner Decision

• Folks, I come to you tonight from a city gripped by fear. Because for the past 24 hours, New York has been engulfed in a hell storm of peaceful protest.
• Demonstrators have taken to the streets halting New York traffic to a level that can only be described as New York traffic.
• And it’s all because yesterday a Staten Island grand jury chose not to indict an NYPD officer who killed Eric Garner, an unarmed black man.
• And I have to admit, it is shocking that anyone in Manhattan has shown awareness of Staten Island.
• Folks, these protestors aren’t just after the NYPD. They also targeted another institution.

“Protests broke out blocks away from Rockefeller Center last night where thousands had gathered for the annual tree lighting Christmas ceremony.”
“They’re now chanting, ‘Shut it down! Shut it down! Eric Garner! Michael Brown!’ […]They tried to shut down the Rockefeller Christmas tree lighting.”

• I know New York looks to me for leadership, so I’m calling for calm. Now, sure, you could view yet another non-indictment of a white police officer for the death of an unarmed black man as part of a larger troubling trend. Or you could be Fox News.

Bill O’Reilly: “Statistics don’t say there is a pattern.”
Greg Gutfeld: “This is not about race discrimination and I don’t think it should be lumped together with any other trends that are going on.”

 

 

• I am angry at the idea this is a trend. It is not a trend. It is just a series of incidents that share common characteristics. For this to it be an official trend, Taylor Swift would have to kill somebody and Tay-Tay don’t play that way.
• Of course, long time viewers of the last few minutes will know that I broke the story about racial tension in America. At least I assume I did.
• Like you, I get all my news from The Colbert Report.

• But we weren’t the only ones watching me because, this week President Obama tried his best to address the issue.

President Obama: “I’m going to be proposing some new community policing initiatives that will significantly expand funding and training for local law enforcement, including up to 50,000 additional body-worn cameras for law enforcement agencies.”

• Now, unfortunately, this idea of putting the cameras on the cops has some support from confused conservatives.

Bill O’Reilly: “The cameras protect honest cops as well as discourage police abuse.”
Rudy Giuliani: “I have changed my mind on body cameras. At one time I thought they were a mistake. Now I believe they are a very good idea.”

 

• I am not surprised Giuliani changed his mind. He is in favor of being anywhere near a camera.
• The whole thing is based on a faulty premise. As one California police chief put it: “When you know you’re being watched you behave a little better. That is just human nature…”
• I got to tell you, it doesn’t make any sense. This theory is clearly bull hockey.
• And I will prove it right now. Jimmy, turn off my cameras.

[The screen goes black. At the bottom of the screen are the words “Camera Off.”]

Stephen: Great, okay. Camera off. I’ll prove my behavior is unchanged. [Coughs] Excuse me. I’m sorry, little cough. Can I get some water please? Thank you. Can I get some water?
Matt Lappin: Here you go, Stephen.
Stephen: What is this, tap water?! What the hell is this?!!
[Sound of Stephen punching Matt]
Matt: Ow!!
Stephen: Read your contract! I take my water at 54 degrees, twist of lime, no eye contact!
Matt: No! Not the sword!
Stephen: Taste my blade, you cur!
Matt: Ahhhh!!

& MORE TO COME!