December 3, 2014 — Christopher Nolan

EPISODE NUMBER: 11031 (December 3, 2014)
GUESTS: Christopher Nolan
SEGMENTS: Intro - 12/3/14 | The No Social Security for Nazis Act | Thought for Food - Fairlife Milk & Pizza Hut’s Subconscious Menu | Surprise Visit from Amy Sedaris | Christopher Nolan | Sign Off - Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Dark Suit | Light Blue Stripped Shirt | Purple Patterned Tie
VIDEOS: Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Intro - 12/3/14

Tonight, a technological innovation in fast food. Chicken fingers now contain real finger. Then, I finally take a stand on a controversial issue. Yes the Vatican was a little harsh on Galileo. And, my guest Christopher Nolan is the director of “Interstellar,” “Memento” and “Batman” movies. I will tell him my theory that Batman is Clark Kent. After 40 years, Burger King has brought back the Yumbo Sandwich. Don’t worry, some of them are new.

The No Social Security for Nazis Act

• There’s just so much partisan rancor in Washington. Dems say potay-to, Republicans say potah-to, Democrats say tomato, Republicans say, leave John Boehner alone.

• Which is why nothing gets done in Congress until now:

ABC 7 NY: “A new federal bill closed in the house, closing a loophole that allows suspected Nazis to collect social security. […] Under current law Nazi suspects can receive the benefits until they are deported. […] The house unanimously passed a bill dubbed the “No Social Security for Nazis Act.”

• Yes, the “No Social Security for Nazis Act.” The most popular bill to come out of Congress since “No Pre-K for the KKK.”

• Of course, there are details about our fascist retirement program we don’t know. Such as the total number of Nazis receiving social security benefits and the dollar amounts of those payments. Our records weren’t quite as organised as the Nazis were.

• And folks, I love this bill. No subject could possibly bring Republicans and Democrats together. Not crises, not war, not famine. So Nazis, I have come down hardon you in the past. And you deserve all of it, you’re bad! But you got Congress to agree on something. So I just want to say, and once again, we have only ten more shows left. I wouldn’t want to give my enemies something to take out of context and use against me but …

Thought for Food - Fairlife Milk & Pizza Hut’s Subconscious Menu

• Folks, long time viewers of this sentence know I have been very serious about what I eat. If it doesn’t make me feel healthy it doesn’t pass these pouty kissable lips.

• That’s why I’m so excited about a new beverage scientifically and specifically engineered to make me feel like I’m being healthy. It’s called milk. Not just any milk. Extra expensive science milk.

“Within three minutes of coming out of our cows Fairlife Milk is chilled at 37° F keeping it nice and fresh. […] Milk has five components: water, vitamins and minerals, lactose, protein, and fat. Each of which has a slightly different molecular size. After running the cold milk through our filters we recombine the components to create whatever highly nutritious recipes we want. We can add twice the protein, take out the lactose. You name it. Fairlife.

• Yes, Fairlife. For people who want life just shy of good.

• Folks these e-moo-gineers have found a way to break down milk into parts and put it back together any way they want. It’s like they got Frankenstein to lactate.

• As a result fair life has 50% more protein and calcium than regular milk. To get that kind of nutrition before, I would have to drink a little more milk.

• And you can trust this beefed up milk is good for you because it’s made by the nature loving health nuts at Coca-Cola.

• Not everyone is devoted to ahealthy and active lifestyle. Need proof? Pizza Hut. […] Now the Hut has cooked up a new innovation that’s gonna blow the stuffed crust of your mind.

“Can’t decide what to get on your pizza? Let Pizza Hut read your mind. […] Pizza Hut is trying out a new mind reading menu. Yes, it’s said to read your eye movements to figure out what toppings you want in 2.5 seconds. Really? Well right now it’s being tested in the U.K. And could be coming here.”

• The U.K is the perfect place to roll it out because they have a long history of testing what people accept as food.

• Here is how you order the e-s-pizza:

“Hello, welcome to Pizza Hut, my name is Toby and I’ll be looking after you today. Do you know what you would like to order? Don’t worry. Let me introduce you to our brand new “Subconscious Menu.” This menu controlled with your eyes and mind. The menu has recognised your eye movement. This is the cool part, choosing what to tantalise your taste buds with. By the time you think you have chosen your subconscious has done it for you. This amazing gadget can tell which ingredients your eyes and mind have been gazing at the longest and in a few tiny milliseconds, your pizza is revealed.”

• This new eye tracking technologyis incredible. They must have developed it after noticing how their customer’s eyes were darting around in search of something edible.

• Now I’m sure there are still some kinks to be worked out. For example, how can they tell you’re staring at something because you want it and not because you wonder who puts corn and ketchup on a pizza.

• Pizza Hut has eliminated the biggest barrier to ordering at their restaurant, informed consent.

Surprise Visit from Amy Sedaris

Stephen: Amy, what are you doing here?
Amy: I’m a guest on your show this evening, remember?
Stephen: I’m sorry my guest is Christopher Nolan tonight.
Amy: Yeah, I know. Because you bumped me.
Stephen: Amy, I didn’t bump you.
Amy: Then your people bumped me.
Stephen: Amy, my people don’t do anything unless I tell them to.
Amy: Did you tell them to bump me?
Stephen: Yes.
Amy: Stephen, how could you? We’re old friends.
Stephen: I know, that’s why I bumped you. If you can’t bump old friends, who can you bump?

Stephen: I want to talk about your thing.
Amy: My thing? […] You mean the show I busted my butt on.
Stephen: Yes, what’s it called?
Amy: I don’t remember.
Stephen: It’s called, “The Heart She Holler”.
Amy: Yes. “The Heart She Holler” on Adult Swim.
Stephen: It sounds like a great show, what is it about?
Amy: I’m not playing this game with you, Stephen.
Stephen: What game? We’re promoting your show. That’s a game?
Amy: Save it for your next guest.
Stephen: Okay, I will. What do you want to talk about?
Amy: This new movie”Interstellar.”
Stephen: Oh my God, it is so great.
Amy: It’s mind blowing. I love it so much I brought a clip.
Stephen: Oh really? That’s great, do we need to set it up?
Amy: Yes. I don’t want to give too much away because it’s a really great movie. In this scene Matthew McConaughey is experiencing a spiritual and emotional crisis and about to encounter the black hole.

[A clip of a tap dancing astronauts plays]

Stephen: That is his best work since the Lincoln ad.
Amy: I guess you don’t need Christopher Nolan now.
Stephen: Yeah, I do. You should go.
Amy: I would love to Stephen but I have to go. But maybe I can come back another time.
Stephen: Oh yeah, why don’t you come back in January.
Amy: Because you got canceled and you won’t have a show in January.
Stephen: You’ll have the whole studio to yourself!

Interview — Christopher Nolan

My guest tonight is the director of “Interstellar” “Inception” and “Memento.” I’ll ask him to explain this interview to me. Please welcome Christopher Nolan.

Stephen: I’m a big fan. But I do have a beef with you.
Christopher: Oh?
Stephen: I can’t tell whether you’re smart or whether you’re just English. Americans can’t hear the difference between the two of those. Are you a smart guy?
Christopher: I’m a certainly English.

Stephen: So, let’s talk about this “Interstellar thing”. This is I believe a trojan horse for science. The whole point for the people who haven’t seen it tell them what happens. For those who have seen it and don’t understand. It’s about people traveling out in space to find a new home, right?
Christopher: It’s about about a potential moment in human development. Maybe the next step in human evolution.
Stephen: Earth is in bad shape in the movie.
Christopher: Yes they have to find another planet to sustain human life.
Stephen: […] The most hopeful thing at the beginning of the movie is that we might be able to abandon our planet.

Stephen: How hard was it to get Matthew McConaughey to keep his shirt on?
Christopher: Not in space. [Amy Sedaris walks out]
Stephen: I’m sorry.
Amy: Having a good time? Goodtime? That’s great.

Stephen: Are we happening now or is this watching ourselves in the past? Do you believe all time is happening at once?
Christopher: I believe if you are capable of living in a five-dimensional world and you’re a fifth dimensional creature viewing time as a dimension it would have to be rewritten.
Stephen: You did not answer my question. Tell you what, come again in January and we will talk about it.