December 2, 2014 — Tony Bennett & Lady Gaga
EPISODE NUMBER: 11030 (December 2, 2014)
GUESTS: Tony Bennett & Lady Gaga
SEGMENTS: Intro - 12/2/14 | Announcing the Mr. Colbert Goes to Washington Special | The Word - Crook and Ladder | Blitzkrieg on Grinchitude - Mistletoe Drones | Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga | Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga - “Heaven”
SUIT REPORT: Dark Suit | White Shirt | Navy Patterned Tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Intro - 12/2/14
Tonight! Is America cruel to convicts? Well, vertical stripes would be more slimming. Then, a popular restaurant spreads Christmas cheer. This year, McRibs are reindeer meat. And my guests Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga are here with a new album of duets. Ooo! I wonder who they duet with?! A major league umpire has revealed that he is gay. Or as he put it, “I’m out!”
Announcing the Mr. Colbert Goes to Washington Special
- Long time viewers of my show know that they are now short time viewers, because as of tonight, there are only 11 episodes of The Colbert Report left.
- I have no time for that shameful, last-ditch ratings grab.
- Because I’m too busy planning this coming Monday’s show when I will be broadcasting The Colbert Report from Washington, DC.
- Tune in on Monday to see me at George Washington University’s Lisner Auditorium.
- Be part of the Million Me March, when I finally provide the Washington Monument a proper pair of balls.
The Word - Crook and Ladder
- When it comes to mass incarceration America-style, nobody does it like California.
- Since the mid-1970s, it’s prison population has grown by 750%.
- The court ordered California to do something about it’s prison overcrowding, but so far the state’s response is nowhere to be seen.
California needs these prisoners. So, when federal judges ordered their release, the state Attorney General’s office fought to keep the prisoners working in their fire brigade.
- The savings are vital, because the State of California has already burned through this year’s wildfire-fighting budget of $209 million.
California hasn’t seen that much money go up in smoke since the last time someone let M. Night Shyamalan make a movie.
- The point is, even though these people are jailed, in cruel and unusual conditions for non-violent crimes like drug possession, California needs to keep them. Not that California is hooked on prison labor. It can stop anytime it wants.
Blitzkrieg on Grinchitude - Mistletoe Drones
- Folks, Christmas needs a hero once again. And this year, thank God it’s T.G.I Fridays.
“T.G.I. Fridays says it will be flying drones around some of its restaurants with a mistletoe attached to the drones. The drones are small enough to cruise overhead, guaranteeing some awkward moments for couples and strangers alike.”
- Plus, unlike old-fashioned, non-autonomous mistletoe, you can’t avoid this one because it brings the forced public intimacy to you! It even has an HD kiss cam to broadcast your smooch to the whole restaurant.
Which is not only a heck of a lot of naughty fun, but also gives you a chance to ask your waiter: “Where the hell is my Jack Daniels sampler basket?! And I’ll take another Diet Coke and Malibu, please!”
- General Dempsey, sir, deploy a fleet of mistletoe drones to Iraq and Syria immediately. Once the terrorists see that festive sprig hovering overhead, al-Baghdadi and his top lieutenant will have to kiss each other. And then they will immediately be stoned to death. Merry Christmas, everybody!
Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga
My guests tonight have a new album of duets called “Cheek to Cheek”. I’ll ask whose cheek got top billing. Pease welcome Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga.
Stephen: What makes something a great American song? Other than, say, The National Anthem and God Bless America?
Tony: Intelligent composers.
Lady Gaga: And quality music. And it’s actually an actual book. It’s a book of songs that were compiled over about two to three decades, and they were specifically chosen because of the impact that they had on music and, you know, we always talk about Fred Astaire and how he was really the first person to sing all the songs that were introduced to the Great American Song Book.Tony calls it the Fred Astaire Song Book.
Tony: Right, it’s true. All of the composers were handpicked by the most incredible performers on the planet and compiled into this book and we chose all the songs from it that we really loved.