October 30, 2014 – David Miliband

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The Colbert Report episode guideEPISODE NUMBER: 11016 (October 30, 2014)
GUESTS: David Miliband
SPECIAL GUEST: George Takei
SEGMENTS: Intro - 10/30/14 | “America Again” in Paperback | America’s Midterm Indifference - George Takei | The Perils of Anchor Zygotes | David Miliband | Sign Off - Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Dark Suit | Light Blue Stripped Shirt | Purple Stripped Tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, October 30, 2014

Intro - 10/30/14

Tonight, a new solution for voter apathy — get ready for stripper polling stations. Then how can you tell if someone is American? If you’re overseas, look for the Canadian flag on their backpack. And my guest, David Miliband, has just returned from supervising the response to Ebola in Africa. So remember, audience, do not lick the guest. U. Penn is offering a class in wasting time on the internet. Oh! I hope they offer it online.

“America Again” in Paperback

  • Nation, I am so glad you are here tonight because the world is swept up in the gripping news story about the threat of Ebola. But I talked about that on Monday, so I’ve done my part.
  • Let’s move on to a much bigger story — me. You see — folks, this past Tuesday, my book “America Again: Re-Becoming the Greatness We Never Weren’t,” was released in paperback.
  • If you did not get this book before, get it now. And if you did get it before, get it now. Because this book is perfect for longtime fans, or first-time viewers who are wondering, “Who is this Colbert guy?” All your questions are answered in here, starting with, “Has he written a book?” You’ll have to buy it to find out.
  • Of course, for the millions of you who already own a hardcover cover of “America Again,” you should still buy the paperback version because it makes a wonderful bookmark. And, folks, there is an even more important reason for you to buy my book — because on December 18, my show is ending.

Audience: No!
Stephen: I know, I know, I know, but, folks after nine years, I am taking a well-earned vacation. Though I’m not sure where yet. I’ll have to talk to my travel agent. Where am I going, Grimmy?

Grimmy: *Points to fire place*
Stephen: Okay, fire. So some place warm?
Grimmy: *Holds fingers up to head like a pair of horns*
Stephen: Some place warm with goat horns? … Greece! Opa!
Grimmy: *Hangs head and walks off*
Stephen: Thanks, buddy. There are so few good travel agents left.

  • All you’ll have left of me is this book. So pick up “America Again” in paperback for a loved one, or for a hated one. Go to your local independent bookstore, because I have a longtime war against Amazon, and I will never relent. Or, buy it on Amazon because, you know, just buy it.

America’s Midterm Indifference - George Takei

  • Nation, the Midterms are less than just under a week away, and like me, the American people could not be more excited about this election.

“A lot of people don’t care about Midterms.”
“More than two-thirds of voters will stay home on this election day.”
“Even anecdotally, people who were lifelong, very involved in politics this year, are just like, ‘I’m over it.'”
“Does anybody care?”
“Not really. Just 15% say they were following the Midterm elections.”
“The Midterms - they’re coming up. You know, the Midterms. I can see you yawning.”

George Takei: I overheard your plan and it’s madness. Don’t do it, Stephen.
Stephen: But, George, this will solve all of our election problems and no one will get hurt.
George: Stephen, democracy is a sacred trust. Yes, it’s a messy business, but the will of the people must not be abdicated to a machine. Only by engaging more deeply in the issues and voting your conscience, can we hope to move beyond the eternal gridlock that threatens to destroy our society. No matter how bleak things may seem, you have the power to change them. Do your duty as an American and as a citizen of the galaxy - VOTE!
Stephen: I gotta say, those are powerful words. And disintegrate.
George: Oh, my. Watch my documentary To Be Takei, available in iTunes.

The Perils of Anchor Zygotes

  • If you know the news, you know that Barack Obama is once again failing to protect our borders. Countless latinoids are Mexican-hat-dancing right in to steal our jobs. Luckily, we have outsmarted them by hiding those jobs in China. And the newest immigration crisis comes from women and what they’re doing south of the lady border.

The Obama administration just passed a new measure allowing babies of non-Americans but born from American surrogates to get U.S. passports. Foreign children and their parents will get access to American education, health care, welfare, and retirement services. Somebody whisper that in the womb.

  • Yes, non-American babies born to Americans will now be able to get U.S. citizenship. Somebody whisper that in the womb. But first, press the belly button twice for “English.”
  • And it’s all because this week, the Department of Homeland Security expanded the definition of “mother” to include women who gave birth to the child, regardless of whether they are the genetic mothers, all to accommodate women using assistive reproductive technology, such as in vitro fertilization.
  • Previously, if an American woman pregnant with an anonymous donor egg had her baby in, say, London, children would not be a U.S. citizen, dooming it to a lifetime of British cuisine. I for one do not think babies should be drinking warm beer.

It feels like an expansion of the definition of motherhood, just like we expand the definition of gender and other things […] This is disturbing as what we do to create citizens in this country. You’re not passing on the civic duty, the understanding of America. It just feels like a total erosion.

  • It’s a total erosion, because we all know that citizenship is genetic, and as a christian, I believe American begins at conception. I mean, Uterus-a! Uterus-a! Uterus-a! (audience chants along)
  • Nation, I gotta say I’m scared this law could inspire a whole generation of American women trying to cash in by moving abroad and carrying anchor zygotes. And, yes, that may sound batsh*t crazy to most people, but most people are not these people.

Are you going to have American women around the world trying to make a buck off this? So what if that surrogate mom who is an American decides well you know what? I’m kind of selling citizenship here. 120 grand ain’t going to cut it. Let me get that puppy up to a quarter million. Is that taxable income?

  • As you know, I have already helped millions procreate with my exclusive line of premium man-seed, Stephen Colbert’s Formula 401.
  • If there’s this much money to be made in U.S.D.A. certified American eggs, then Daddy wants in. That’s why tonight I am proud to unveil my new product, Stephen Colbert’s Formula 4-ovum premium man-egg.
  • I know what you’re saying. Men are not supposed to ovulate. They’re also not supposed to eat as much edamame as I do.

  • Folks, use both of those products and you are guaranteed an American baby, since my seed and these eggs come with full documentation of citizenship - because I produced both while having my passport photo taken.

Interview — David Miliband

My guest tonight is English. I will interview him in his native tongue. Please welcome David Miliband.

Stephen: You’re C.E.O. of the International Rescue Committee, and you recently returned from West Africa. And the incubation period for Ebola my understanding is 21 days. How many days ago did you return from Liberia?
David: 20. We’ll shake hands again.
Stephen: No, no. *Gets out the Purell*

Stephen: Now that you’re in the United States and you’ve seen our situation here, how long before we can go back outside and go bowling and stuff like that?
David: I would love to go bowling with you. Give me the date.
Stephen: We can’t go bowling because the guy in New York he went bowling here in New York. He did, he went e-bowling. He went e-bowling and I can’t put my hand over that little blower.
David: He didn’t leave any Ebola in the bowling ball. I can assure you that.

Stephen: Globally, how many refugees are there out there right now?
David: Every four seconds a person is displaced from their home, whether inside their own country or over a border, 52 million people last year. A world record.
Stephen: What if they all converted to Judaism? Doesn’t Israel have to take them?

Stephen: Well, if you do decide to run for President of the United States, you have my support.
David: Will the Colbert Nation become part of Rescue Nation?
Stephen: That’s an interesting thing. The show is ending in December. The Colbert Nation needs something to do. What if they became part of Rescue Nation?
David: They can tag us @theIRC or visit rescue.org, the web site and join the effort to really make a difference around the world.

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