October 28, 2014 – Michael Lewis
EPISODE NUMBER: 11014 (October 28, 2014)
GUESTS: Michael Lewis
SEGMENTS: War on Halloween - Flaming Bags of Government | The NRA vs. Pennsylvania’s Pet-Eating Ban | Tom Corbett’s Photoshopped Diversity | Sport Report - Fall Experimental Football League | Michael Lewis | Sign Off - Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Dark Stripped Suit | White Shirt | Navy Patterned Tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Stephen had a lot of fun with my home state of Pennsylvania tonight. Apparently, it is legal to eat household pets in PA, thanks to the NRA. And my soon-to-be ex-Govenor (fingers crossed), Tom Corbett, got himself into a photoshop controversy that led Stephen and staff to produce one of my all-time favorite screencaps involving Benjamin Franklin committing unspeakable acts with a cheesesteak.
It looks like Uncle Sam is trying to ruin our Halloween by suggesting we create green-themed jack-o-lanterns and care about the palm oil in our Halloween candy. Then, as if we don’t have enough football in our lives, the FXFL is here! *Awesome guitar riff* Finally, Stephen sits down with forth-time guest, Michael Lewis, to discuss his book and talk about Wall Street, balls and cocaine!
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Stephen gestures with his fingers, while mouthing the the word “Twenty-seven.” That’s right - Only 27 more episodes to go.
War on Halloween - Flaming Bags of Government
- Nation, we are just a few days away from the most hallowed of all eens: Halloween. So, I will Monster Mash anyone out there who threatens this sacred Pagan holiday. This is the War on Halloween!
- This year, Uncle Sam is going after my favorite part of Halloween: carving the pumpkin. Driving a 12-inch chef’s knife into a tough-yet-slippery gourdhide is a great way to get rid of any excess thumbs you’ve got laying around your hand.
Steve Doocy: “You know what the Obama Administration wants you to do, according to the Department of Energy? This Halloween, rather than carve out something scary or a jack-o’-lantern in the face of that $45 pumpkin you buy, why don’t you do one of five green energy designs like the CFL light bulb or a windmill or some leaves or something like that? Isn’t that a great idea?”
- The global warming agenda has no place in our spooky-time fun. We don’t know if climate change is man made. I’m not even sure if Frankenstein is man made. The mad science isn’t in yet.
- Besides, the whole reason we carve pumpkins on Halloween is to prove our dominance over nature. That’s why we stab a pumpkin in the face and then display it on our front porches as a warning to the other vegetables.
Here’s a message for your buddies back on the farm! You tell that squash I’m coming for him with nutmeg and chicken stock!
- And the Nanny State goons won’t even let us enjoy our sweet meats because “Many Halloween candies contain palm oil…“
- And the thugs at the Department of Fish and Wildlife are now demanding that we read our labels! “Palm oil plantations are contributing to animal habitat loss around the world…“
- Oh, I have such happy childhood memories of rushing home to “read” my candy.
- Besides, the best part of candy is harm to animal habitats and candy companies know this. That’s why they promote their ingredients right on the label.
For pete’s sake, Kit Kats are made from ground-up kittens and kattens. Delicious! Crunchy! That’s why they’re crunchy! Give me a break.
The NRA vs. Pennsylvania’s Pet-Eating Ban
- The kitten coddlers out there don’t want you to eat your pets. That’s illegal, they say.
- Well, not everywhere because “You can have a dog for dinner in Pennsylvania, thanks to the NRA.”
WPVI in Pennsylvania: “This whole thing started after a small number of butcher shops across Pennsylvania started selling dog and cat meat. In response, House Bill 1750, designed to outlaw the human consumption of common household pets, was quickly put together.”
“The NRA-opposed bill never got voted on.”
“The day will go the NRA’s way.”
- Woo! We did it! It is still legal in Pennsylvania to serve cat and dog meat. So, you’re safe for now, White Castle.
- Now, I don’t always agree with the NRA, but I do. Especially about why this bill had to die.
“When the measure went to the State Senate, an amendment was added calling for a ban on live pigeon shoots in Pennsylvania, as well. That attracted critics from the National Rifle Association.”
- Now, I realize that shooting a pigeon on the ground might seem like shooting fish in a barrel, but there’s a big difference. Fish don’t scream.
- According to the NRA’s website, banning the time-honored tradition of shooting captive pigeons might “…begin the slide down a slippery slope…” and “...the next stop will be regulated shooting grounds…“
- That’s right. In order to protect their right to kill birds, the NRA defeated this anti-pet-eating bill.
It’s a hard, but noble sacrifice. The dogs and cats have to die in order that the pigeons may also die.
- Now folks, I don’t expressly condone the eating of pets.
- Sure, you may say, “Stephen, what about your endorsement of the popular Chinese brand of high-end cat meat stew, Colonel Tuxedo’s Happy Joy Power Cat With Eating?”
- Well, I would say, Greg, I stopped selling this product a long time ago. Now I only donate it to schools.
- But since the NRA went to so much trouble, I showed my support by ordering NRA’s C.E.O. Wayne Lapierre’s 101 Recipes for Your Household Pet.
- Don’t these sound delicious? A Beagle with cream cheese, German Shepherd’s pie, oysters on the half Sheltie and chicken Poodle soup. It’s mm-mmm good boy!
Tom Corbett’s Photoshopped Diversity
- The the midterms are next week in Pennsylvania and one can only imagine how eating-fido-gate will affect the race between Pennsylvania Governor and high school principal who’s going to let this go “just once,” Tom Corbett, and Democrat challenger and guy who would love to show you his Dulcimer piano, Tom Wolf.
- I have been watching this race closely, even though you can see the gap in the polls from space, because Wolf is beating Corbett by 17 points.
- Corbett has especially failed to attract minorities, with a recent poll putting his non-white support at 9%.
- The only thing keeping Corbett afloat is his rock-solid support amongst albino hedgehogs.
- I don’t get it. There is ample evidence that black people love Tom Corbett. Look at this photo on his website showing him inches from a black woman who couldn’t be happier about it.
“Governor Tom Corbett’s campaign goes on the defense after accusations it photoshopped an image on Corbett’s website to make it look more diverse.”
“The african-american woman smiling there in the background of the group is a stock image added by the campaign. The web site, Buzzfeed, was first to report this.”
“The Corbett campaign responded by saying the entire image is photoshopped to make it look like Corbett was talking with a group of people. All websites use graphics. The graphic represents Governor Corbett’s widespread support across Pennsylvania.”
- See? They’re not pretending black women like him. They’re pretending anyone likes him.
As long as they’re photoshopping in supporters, there are all kinds of important Pennsylvania constituents they left out, like the Amish, Punxsutawney Phil, The Philly Phanatic, and Ben Franklin humping a cheesesteak.
Sport Report - Fall Experimental Football League
- Folks, it’s no secret the NFL has been plagued by controversy. There are growing concerns over the safety of football players, as well as the safety of people who know football players. So, I was happy to hear about a new alternative to football - more football.
“FXFL is here. Three major cities: New York, Boston, Omaha. As some of the best talent in the country is on center stage, looking to keep their pro-football dreams alive.”
Yes, the FXFL, which stands for “Fall Experimental Football League” and it’s comprised primarily of players released during or after the NFL pre-season. Perfect! How many times have you watched a college football game and said, “I wish the players were better.” Then watched an NFL game and said, “No, not this good.”
- The competition will be fierce, because the season’s only six weeks, with games on Wednesday nights.
- Which is perfect again, because Wednesday is the night I start the process of looking inside myself to try to honestly ascertain my readiness for some football!!!
- Now, I know what you’re saying, Nation: “Another new football league?” We’ve already had the USFL, the UFL, the NFL Europe and the XFL. And all of those leagues failed, but the FXFL will be different because they added an “F,” the letter synonymous with success!
Interview - Michael Lewis
Stephen: What has changed 25 years later about what we need to remember about the go-go ’80s? You know - Reagan, “Morning in America,” defeating the Evil Empire, Bright Lights, Big City - you know -Masters of the Universe.
Michael: Yes. So, your question is?
Stephen: What has changed on Wall Street or has anything changed?
Michael: Not much. I tell you what’s changed. It’s gotten much better at disguising what it’s doing and it’s harder to understand it from the outside than it was.
Stephen: Computers do a lot of the trading now, don’t they?
Michael: Yes - in the stock market - all of it.
Stephen: Do they do most of the cocaine, too?
Michael: It’s amazing. You would have done very well on Wall Street because you have the central quality of a Wall Street person.
Stephen: Balls. [Lots of laughter and applause!] What else do you need? Is there something else you need?
Michael: You’re often wrong, but seldom in doubt.
Stephen: I may be factually inaccurate, but I get to the heart of what felt right.
Michael: That’s right. And you’re totally sure of yourself.
Stephen: I’m all in, all the time. Balls to the wall, my friend!