October 27, 2014 - Meredith Vieira

EPISODE NUMBER: 11013 (October 27, 2014)
GUESTS: Meredith Vieira
SEGMENTS: Intro - 10/27/14 | Ebola in New York | Louie Gohmert on Gays in the Military | Meredith Vieira | Sign Off - Sundae
SUIT REPORT: Dark Suit | White Stripped Shirt | Blue Stripped Tie
VIDEOS: Monday, October 27, 2014

Intro - 10/27/14

Tonight, Ebola arrives in Manhattan, but can only afford to live in Queens. Then, how are gay soldiers harming our military? If you don’t ask, I’ll still tell you. And my guest, Meredith Vieira is starting her own talk show after eleven seasons hosting “Who Wants to be a Millionaire.” I guess they finally found someone who wanted to be a millionaire. Dunkin’ Donuts says their croissant doughnut is not a cronut. But they’re sticking to their wild claim that it’s breakfast.

Ebola in New York

• Folks, it is good to have you with us. For now. It’s day 29 of America’s Ebola crisis. *Backs away from Ebola graphic* This thing is going to kill us all!

• Of course, I have been tracking the virus on my sexy C.D.C. technician calendar. I would not mind catching what that guy’s got.

• I am not — I am not — I am not something. I’m sure I’ll get to it in a minute.

• Now I’m not one of these fear-mongerers who will tell you that everybody is going to die. Just 90% of you. The other 10% will live in a post-apocalyptic afterscape ruled by gangs of psychopathic biker chicks who serve the Spice Lord Targoth.

Good Morning America: “Ebola has come to New York!”

Fox News: “Ebola now in America’s largest city.”

ABC News: ” A confirmed case of Ebola in the heart of New York City.”

• Ebola has come to New York! And if they can spread it here, *sings* they’ll spread it everywhere! … I don’t know all the words to that song. I’ll admit it.

• Before, I wasn’t really worried because Ebola was only in faraway places I’ll never go, like Liberia or Dallas.

• Now, the patient who’s keeping the city that never sleeps awake at night is a doctor who just returned from treating Ebola patients in Guinea. He knew he was at risk, so upon returning from Africa, he stayed home from work. Which thoughtfully kept him away from his co-workers and gave him plenty of time to explore this magnificent city!

“Officials are now tracing his fairly extensive movements in the hours before his diagnosis. […] Wednesday, he goes on a three-mile run.”

• A three-mile run? He works out more than I do without Ebola.

“We just found out he rode public transportation.”

• Great! Ebola spreads by touching blood or feces — those are your only two seating options on the subway!

• On Friday, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and New York Governor Cuomo announced both states would enforce a mandatory 21-day quarantine for anyone who has come into contact with Ebola […] leading to the immediate quarantine of a nurse returning from Sierra Leone.

• Kaci Hickox, who, after landing at Newark Airport, underwent hours of interrogation, and when a forehead scanner recorded her temperature as 101 degrees, authorities left her in the room for another three hours. Still, better than flying into La Guardia.

Kaci Hickox: “I have been asymptomatic since I have been here. […] It’s not the recommendation of public health and medical experts […] This is an extreme that is unacceptable, and […] my basic human rights have been violated.”

• Human rights? I’m sorry, ma’am, but the Constitution does not say you have a right to endanger your neighbours. Unless it’s with a gun.

• Faced with this outbreak of bad P.R., Governor — oh, what’s-his-Cuomo — backed down, changing New York’s rule to just three weeks without leaving the house — or as most people call it, “waiting for Time-Warner Cable.”

• We’ve got to do something, folks! Because it’s almost impossible to protect ourselves anymore. Just ask the cable news! [Clip: Sanjay Gupta demonstrates how to remove protective equipment worn my medical staff and uses chocolate sauce to represent contamination]

• Nation, once again, it falls to me to properly demonstrate how to isolate this virus. I’ll use this bowl of vanilla ice cream to represent a sterile sealed hospital room. Now, someone with Ebola comes in, they got their bodily fluids [chocolate sauce] all over the sterile room. Obviously, blood [strawberry sauce] is one of the ways it is transmitted. Then, this is their saliva [whipped cream]. It’s a little frothy. They might have rabies as well. These represent their sneeze particles [crushed nuts]. And one of the symptoms of Ebola is bleeding from the eyeballs [adds two cherries on the top].

• You can stay safe, as long as you avoid all contact. Though, I gotta say, that looks pretty good. It probably wouldn’t hurt to have a little Ebola. Mm-mm-mm, mm-mmm … You know what? It’s my Ebola cheat day.

Louie Gohmert on Gays in the Military

• Nation, when it comes to defending America, there is nobody I trust more than Texas Congressman and confused piece of gnocchi, Louie Gohmert.

• Because he’s brave enough to say the things that no one has the slightest desire to say.

Louie Gohmert: “Thank you, president Barack Hussein Obama. He has helped jump start a new Ottoman Empire. We are going to borrow more money from the Chinese to possibly give them money back to create habitats for wild dogs and cats that are rare. There’s no assurance that if we did that, we wouldn’t end up with moo goo dog pan or moo goo cat pan.”

• And recently, Louie made words with his mouth again. This time, to explain once and for all the dangers of gays in the military.

Louie Gohmert: “I’ve had people say, hey, you know, there’s nothing wrong with gays in the military. Look at the Greeks. Well, you know, they did have people come along who they loved that was the same sex and would give them massages before they went into battle. But you know what, it’s a different kind of fighting. It’s a different kind of war. And if you’re sitting around getting massages all day, ready to go into a big, planned battle, then you’re not going to last very long. It’s guerrilla fighting. You are going to be ultimately vulnerable to terrorism and, if that’s what you start doing in the military like the Greeks did … As people have said, Louie, you have got to understand, you don’t even know your history. Oh, yes, I do. I know exactly. It’s not a good idea.”

• Yes, Gohmert knows his history. Or he may have just been watching the gay version of the film “300”. By which I mean the one released in theaters.

• And the Greeks were the gayest army in history. It’s why they were always traipsing off for fabulous Mediterranean Wars. And why they fought packed together in a phalanx, aka the man-on-man massage cube.

• But like Gohmert said, that was fine for Ancient Greece, back when battles had a set time and date. It was easy — you’d get a rub-down, then run out to a Peloponnesian field for your 2:00 P.M. face-spearing.

• But that doesn’t work in today’s America’s military. Gay massages have no place in our never-ending guerilla war. […] We are in grave danger, because the homosexual seaweed-wrap lifestyle has spread throughout the military. Look at the air force. Why do you even need a backseat in a fighter jet? The co-pilot’s just back therefor the neck rubs!

• So I stand with Louie when he said this,

“As people said, Louie, you don’t understand, you don’t even know your history. I said, oh, yes, I do. It’s not a good idea.”

• I’m with you, sir. People have said to me, Stephen, you have gotta understand, you don’t even know your history. You’re dumb, dense, a mental midget with the I.Q. of a butter dish whose mind is a black hole that sucks all surrounding thought into an infinite singularity of pure stupidity. I’m surprised you can even dress yourself. I bet you have to rub peanut butter inside your lips to remember to open your mouth and breathe. I’ve never met, and hope to never meet again, a man so pervasively, astoundingly, unyieldingly ignorant.
  To which I say, well, you haven’t met Louie Gohmert.

Interview — Meredith Vieira

My guest tonight is a beloved television host who has won 14 Emmys. And no, it’s not me from the future. Please welcome Meredith Vieira!

Stephen: Sometimes I put my 10 Emmys in a pit and make them fight my four Peabodys.

Stephen: Underwear has not been woven that can contain my balls.