October 14, 2014 - Neil Young

EPISODE NUMBER: 11010 (October 14, 2014)
GUESTS: Neil Young
SEGMENTS: A Week of Victories for Gay Rights | Say Yes to Rick Scott | Neil Young | Neil Young - “Who’s Going to Stand Up? (and Save the Earth)” | Sign Off - “Special Deluxe”
SUIT REPORT: Gray Suit | Light Blue Shirt | Purple Patterned Tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, October 14, 2014

What a lucky night for The Colbert Nation. We got to see a performance by Neil Young and Stephen! And what an amazing performance it was. Watching Stephen jam out on the guitar was truly awesome.

A Week of Victories for Gay Rights

• Nation, I’m sure you can tell from the excitement in this room, we are entering the last few months of my show, and I pledge to you that I will stay strong on family values to the bitter end.
• Since day one of this program, I’ve had an unshakeable stance on gay marriage. It is a moral evil that threatens our sacred institutions, our families and lives until it became popular. Since then, who knows. You know, to each his own. You know, none of my business.

• And every day, there’s another reason for me to not give a whatevs.

“It’s a big week for gay rights and couples across the country have been tying the knot after a series of court rulings at both the national and local level made same-sex marriage legal in a majority of states.”
“Same-sex marriage may soon be legal in 35 states.”

“Supporters of same-sex marriage supporting another legal victory this morning. A federal judge striking down Alaska’s ban on gay marriage.”

• As much as I love America, as a person of faith, all that really matters to me is the position of the Catholic Church.
• And that’s always been, guy on girl, lights on, a little weeping, a little praying and straight to sleep. Until now.

“News from the Vatican, widely described as something of an earthquake for the Catholic Church.”
“A stunning shift by the Vatican on approach to gays and lesbians.”
“Bishops drafted new language on the Church’s attitude toward homosexuality.”

• Oh my God in three persons! The Vatican is welcoming the gays in? Next thing you know the place will be filled with antiques!
• Just listen to the immoral, depraved support the Vatican offers in this document:

“Homosexuals have gifts and qualities to offer the Christian community.”

• The document goes on to ask if the Church is capable of welcoming gay people and guaranteeing them fraternal space in our communities.
• Fraternal space? Aren’t our frats already gay enough?
• Listen up, Pop Fabulous. The Lord is perfectly clear on the gays.

Say Yes to Rick Scott

• With 21 days left before the election, there’s one voting group the GOP Is trying to still woo, and that’s woo-men!

“The Republican Party is in worse shape with women than in 2010.”
“The Republican Party has a problem communicating with women.”
“Study ordered by two Republican groups found female voters feel the party is stuck in the past. They also said the GOP is intolerant and lacks compassion.”

• Okay, the GOP has problems communicating with women, but that doesn’t mean they don’t care. They’re just like that shy kid at the dance who wants to get your attention by denying you equal pay. It means he likes you.
• Fortunately, one GOP group developed a campaign that’s sure to win the lady vote, the College Republican National Committee [CRNC] or CRUNC!

• The ad asks women to make November 4th the most magical day of their lives.

An ad is shown imitating the show Say Yes To The Dress. A young woman tries on a wedding dress, looks into the mirror and says, “The Rick Scott is perfect!”

• In this ad, each candidate is metaphorically represented by a different wedding dress and the bride looks radiant in the Rick Scott, but mom has other ideas.

Saleswoman: “Don’t forget, the Charlie Crist comes with additional cost. There’s over $2 billion in taxes.”
Bride: “Mom, this is my decision. I see a better future with Rick Scott.”

• This ad shows that the modern GOP finally understands the real concerns of women - weddings!
• I mean, who needs access to contraception or equal pay. You’re getting married. Let him take care of that hardstuff.
• I’m so inspired by this appeal to the ladies that I’ve created my own ad I believe addresses the real concerns of young, single women.

Stephen’s ad is a spoof on ads for feminine products. We see two women riding bikes, discussing “that time” - Midterms! This ad uses maxi pads to metaphorically represent Rick Scott and Charlie Crist.

Woman in ad: Just look at this side by side comparison. Under Charlie Crist, taxpayer dollars will be leaking everywhere. But Rick Scott keeps your tax dollars where they belong, even on heavy spending days.

• And, ladies…If you’re looking for even more freshness, don’t worry. The GOP also has a full line of douche bags.

Interview — Neil Young

Stephen: Your new book is called Special Deluxe: A Memoir of Life and Cars.
Neil: Right. And wallpaper.
Stephen: Yes. These are all water colors you did of - how many cars have you had in your life?
Neil: Many, many, many cars.
Stephen: These are many, many cars. I was looking for a more specific number from a guy who wrote a god damn book about it.
Neil: Thanks to the people! Thanks to America! Thanks to America for building these great cars.
Stephen: These would make excellent pajamas for an 8-year-old.
Neil: They would!

Stephen: The last time you were here, you tried to get me to sing a song about impeaching the president who, at the time, was George W. Bush. And you wanted to impeach him over getting us into the war in Iraq. Now that Obama is getting us into a war in Iraq, are you up for impeaching him, too?
Neil: No. No.
Stephen: No? Then you’re a double hypocrite? Don’t care this time?
Neil: I think we should impeach him for fracking.
Stephen: Really?
Neil: Because it’s not in the interest of the American people.

Neil Young - “Who’s Gonna Stand Up? (and Save the Earth)”

• Ladies and gentlemen, Neil Young and Crazy Host.