October 8, 2014 - Carol Burnett

EPISODE NUMBER: 11007 (October 8, 2014)
GUESTS: Carol Burnett
SEGMENTS: Intro - 10/8/14 |John Boehner vs. America’s Anti-Gay Marriage Crusaders | Naming the War Against ISIS | Carol Burnett | Sign-Off: Ear Tug
SUIT REPORT: Grey Pinstripe | White Shirt | Royal Blue Spotted Tie
VIDEOS: Wednesday, October 8, 2014
 

Comedy legend Carol Burnett appeared on the Report, talking up her Broadway play, “Love Letters” and she was not shy about how she feels about it:

Intro - 10/8/14

Tonight, a surprise move by The Supreme Court. You’ll never guess what Clarence Thomas didn’t say this time. Then, the latest in the war against ISIS. Then to cheer you up, the latest on Ebola. And my guest is comedy legend Carol Burnett, who is now starring on Broadway. OOO! I bet she makes a great Mufasa. The Neiman Marcus catalog is selling a custom perfume for $475,000. It’s the perfect gift for anyone who wants to smell like an idiot. This is The Colbert Report!

John Boehner vs. America’s Anti-Gay Marriage Crusaders

The Supreme Court made it so that more than 1/2 the U.S. population now lives in a state where gay marriage is legal. Stephen sarcastically applauds that.

• I say Bravo…is now the number one network.

Now John Boehner is campaigning for an openly gay republican in CA. Just like always, eh? A guy on the TV claims the Repubs are for the gays and that for Boehner to do that sends a powerful message.

• That powerful message? Please forget all our previous messages.

Stephen launches his own show:

Naming the War Against ISIS

The media wants Obama to name the war. He needs to consult Puff Daddy, I mean P. Diddy, I mean…

Stephen decides it’s time for him to name the war, by consulting the Name Chamber 5000.

The names he comes up with are Operation:

Swollen Panther

Turgid Hammer

Reckless Chainsaw

Luxurious Pulltab

and finally the best one, Sack Attack

Interview - Carol Burnett

I love Carol Burnett and we knew she was a friend of the show, but turns out she loves Stephen and Stephen said the feeling was mutual.

Carol: I’m thrilled to be here, I just love you so much.
Stephen: The feeling is mutual, Carol and I also like you.

The Carol Burnett show ran from 1967-1978. I didn’t know that. I watched it in reruns, I guess. She talked a little about how when she was doing the Carol Burnett show back in the day, she only worked about 25 hours a week. Stephen was likely jealous.

Stephen: You averaged 30 million viewers. Those are Superbowl numbers.
Carol: At that time, there was only one channel.

They talked about how TV on Saturday nights is now a wasteland, but back in the late ’60’s and ’70’s it was appointment TV. In my house it was the Love Boat and Fantasy Island. I think we were tuned into the wrong channel, but yeah it was like that in our house. We didn’t go out.

Carol: Today, I’ve seen some of the sitcoms today and what I think is that they’re written by teenage boys in a locker room.
Stephen: You’re talking about the F bombs.
Carol: Totally, totally and it’s so easy to get a laugh that way.
Stephen: I know. F*** those people.
Carol: That’s what I say.

Then in her very next sentence she dropped the F bomb!

Stephen: Aside from your legendary career in TV, you’re also star of the stage and you’re going back to the stage as you have for decades…
Carol: I’m f***ing thrilled about it.

She said she gets letters from kids and if they leave phone numbers, sometimes she calls them. She also told a story about a kid in the audience of a play, who knew who she was.

Carol: This young boy was raising his hand and he said, ‘I have a question’, and I said, ‘first what’s your name?’ and he said ‘Andrew’ and I said how old are you Andrew and he said, ‘nine’ and I said, ‘You know who I am?’ and he said, ‘surprisingly, yes’.

😀

Sign-Off: Ear Tug

Stephen signs off with Carol’s signature ear tug: