October 7, 2014 - Leon Wieseltier
EPISODE NUMBER: 11006 (October 7, 2014)
GUESTS: Leon Wieseltier
SEGMENTS: Ebolapalooza | Better Know a District - Illinois’ 8th - Tammy Duckworth | Cheating Death - Pandemic Health | Leon Wieseltier | Sign Off - Cigarette
SUIT REPORT: Navy suit | White Shirt | Red, white, & blue striped tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Ebolapalooza
- For those of you watching this show on a memory cube, thousands of years in the future, I want to offer you a hardy “Bleep Blorp” for joining us. For those of you sharing the present chronosphere, it’s day seven of the global pandemic that some are calling “Ebolapalooza.” Not many. Just me so far. But it’s going to catch on.
- You can smell the fear, thanks to heroes like CNN who asked the question, “Ebola: The ISIS of Bological Agents?” Yes, it is. Without a doubt.
- Scientists have long compared diseases to murderous madmen.
- One person who is irresponsibly calm is President Barack Ebola. Just listen to how the Administration plans to ward off the rage virus.
“The Obama Administration is taking new action to prevent the spread of Ebola. President Obama said Monday that airline passengers traveling from the Ebola hot zone will soon undergo additional screening at both ends of their journeys.”
- Well, I’m glad they’re checking at both ends because, evidently, that’s where the Ebola squirts out.
- Big round of applause for bodily fluids tonight! This is a hot crowd.
- They’re not taking it seriously enough because you’re not taking it seriously enough. The latest polls show only 11% of Americans are “Very worried” about being infected by Ebola.
- And it’s not my fault. Don’t look at me, because I have done my part to make you shart. Go to colbernation.com tonight and take my poll.
We’ll calculate the results and make them available tomorrow for the gangs of feral bandits searching through charred Wal-Marts for clues as to what ended humanity.
Better Know a District - Illinois’s 8th - Tammy Duckworth
- Ray Kroc’s very first McDonald’s was located in Des Plaines, which is in the subject of the 80th installment of my 434-part series, “Better Know a District.” Tonight, Illinois’ 8th. The fightin’ 8th!
- The 8th is home to the world headquarters of Motorola. In 1983, they released the world’s first consumer cellular phone, the Dyna-Tac , which quickly became more popular than the phone booth, despite being slightly larger than one.
- The 8th is also home to not one, but two Ikeas. The Schaumburg Ikea and the Bollingbrook Ikea. They were only going to build one Ikea, but after they finished the first one, they had enough parts left over to build a second.
- Famous residents of the 8th include Harold Gray, cartoonist and creator of the comic strip Little Orphan Annie. The story of a red-headed scamp who was so poor she had to sell her pupils for food.
- And who has the McNuggets to represent this district? It’s none other than Congresswoman Tammy Duckworth. I sat down with Representative Duckworth in her Washington office.
Stephen: You’ve read the reports and I’m sure you’ve seen the reports on television that they’re [boarder children refugees] bringing Ebola into the United States.
Rep. Duckworth: No, they’re not.
Stephen: I think I might have caught it already because when I look at these kids on the border I get a very weird clutching feeling in my throat, my heart sinks and my eyes begin to leak. That’s got to be Ebola. I can’t imagine what else.
Rep. Duckworth: I think that’s humanity.
Stephen: Humanity? Is that curable?
Rep. Duckworth: I don’t think so. I think it means you actually care.
Stephen: I did not know that.
Stephen: You were a helicopter pilot serving in which theater?
Rep. Duckworth: Iraq.
Stephen: Okay. And your helicopter was shot down. You lost both your legs and partial use of one of your arms. You said when you were recovering in the hospital that your spouse stayed by your side and you want gays and lesbians to have that right of someone being with them. That implies you think it’s right for gays and lesbians to serve in the military.
Rep. Duckworth: When I was shot down, bleeding to death in my helicopter, and an American GI came to carry me out to safety, I didn’t stop to ask if he was straight or gay. I was just glad he was an American GI.
Cheating Death - Pandemic Health
- Nation, they say laughter is the best medicine, but i say, if you take the right medicine, everything seems funny.
- First, a disclaimer - I’m not a medical doctor. I have an honorary doctorate in fine arts.
- As always, Cheating Death is brought to you by Prescott Pharmaceuticals. Prescott: kid tested…
- First up, Pandemic Health. Folks, as I mentioned in the A Block, we’re in the midst of an Ebola outbreak. Our only hope is an experimental drug called Z-Mapp. Which is our last chance, since we’ve already tried A through Y-Mapp.
- And you will be surprised how Z-Mapp is Z-made.
“Scientists may be looking to tobacco plants for their cure.”
“A pharmaceutical company used the plants to develop Z-Mapp.”
“It uses tobacco to plants to make three different compounds. Put them together and you get Z-Mapp.”
“Wouldn’t it be wonderful if tobacco were used for health?”
- Yes, wouldn’t it be wonderful if tobacco could cure Ebola like it once cured uncoolness?
- But folks, this aspiring miracle cure is far from perfect. “The plants are chopped up finely and the proteins are extracted through both physical and chemical filtration.” So, “…None of these medicines will give you a nicotine buzz.”
- That is so disappointing to those of us who choose medications mostly for the awesome side effects.
- The real tragedy here is that Z-Mapp was so close to solving the biggest problem with all medicine - Forgetting to take it.
- That’s why Prescott Pharmaceuticals, in association with RJ Reynolds, is proud to introduce Vasca-Ginia Slims, the pioneering anti-viral medication we guarantee will become a habit.
- You will know it’s time for a dose when you snap at your kids for no reason.
- And sure, Vasca-Ginia Slims are not made with the same antibody-laden tobacco Z-Mappuses. They go one step farther and give the Ebola cancer, because who’s got tougher lungs? You or some virus?
- Side effects of the Vasca-Giniaslims include elevated heart weight, cancer, and probably still Ebola.
Interview - Leon Wieseltier
Stephen: Do you have a critique of our present culture?
Leon: Oh, I do, yes. I do. It’s a very elaborate one.
Stephen: Ten words or less.
Leon: Ten words or less? Too much digital. Not enough critical thinking. More physical reality.
Stephen: That’s ten! Damn! No one’s ever done that before.Stephen: Sell me on thinking. Because I don’t have to think much anymore. I can just feel and I can also open any eyes and take the digital fire hose from my screen and watch videos and pictures of, you know, someone’s pie.
Leon: And mistake that for thinking.
Stephen: Not mistaking it for thinking. I’m preferring it.
Leon: I understand. I understand why you would, but here’s the reason: A democratic society - an open society - places an extraordinary intellectual responsibility on ordinary men and women because we are governed by what we think. We are governed by our opinions, so the content and the quality of our opinions and the quality of the formation of our opinions is what basically determines the character of our society. And that means in a democracy - in an open society - a thoughtless citizen of a democracy is a delinquent citizen of a democracy.Stephen: Here’s a reason for my beliefs. They feel good. It feels good to think that when I die I will go to heaven. That feels good. It feels good to think that I am right. That feels good.
Leon: Well, you know that it’s preposterous to think that because one feels something that it’s the truth.
Stephen: No, it’s not true. It’s truthy. Which is greater than truth. It is unassailable because my truth is based upon what I want to be true, rather than anything the facts could possibly support. Your truth requires work. Mine requires merely a decision. I’ll beat you to the truth punch all the time.
Leon: I congratulate you on living in a world entirely your own.
Stephen: Thank you. It’s called The Colbert Nation!Sign Off - Cigarette
What did you feel about this episode? Give us your truthiness in the comment section!