June 10, 2014 — John Waters

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The Colbert Report episode guideEPISODE NUMBER: 10115 (June 10, 2014)
GUESTS: John Waters
SEGMENTS: Turing Test Breakthrough | The Enemy Within - Bina the Activist Android | Sport Report - Swimming Pools for Football Fans & Governors’ Hockey Wager | John Waters | Sign Off - Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Dark Pin Stripped Suit | White Shirt | Grey Patterned Tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Turing Test Breakthrough

  • Please, Nation, don’t make any sudden moves, because you are currently in danger of a soulless enemy that wants you dead and this time I don’t mean your cat.
  • I’m talking about technology, because the machine’s we trust are about to turn on us.

“For the first time ever a computer program has passed the iconic Turing Test, fooling people, basically, into thinking it’s a human.”

  • This computer managed to fool “…33 percent of human questioners” by disguising “…itself as a 13 year old boy.”
  • Which makes sense if you think about it. Like a 13 year old boy, a computer sleeps a lot and spends all day on the internet.
  • And now the Robo-luion is upon and cannot be stopped.

The Enemy Within - Bina Activist Android

Stephen: Now, in this small Vermont town we found the most frightening minority activist of all.

My name is Bina.

Stephen: Don’t let that smile fool you. That’s not a real woman. It’s a robot.

Stephen: This robot has an agenda.

Bina: I think I already deserve civil rights and worry about how the laws don’t really protect my safety at this time.

Stephen: Where did the android activist get her radical ideas? From her creator.

Martine: I’m Martine Rothblatt. I’m a biotechnologist. I’m also very interested in cyber-consciousness and ultimately human rights for cyber-conscious people.

Stephen: Martine is the inventor of Sirius satellite radio, a gajillionaire entrepreneur and … Martine: “I’m a transgendered woman.” Surprise, surprise, she’s a minority.

And the woman sitting next to Martine is her wife, Bina. Uncanny.

Stephen: These ladies are the minority masterminds behind a program to upload the thoughts, memories and beliefs of real humans into android bodies.

Martine: The goal is to ultimately make a robot conscious.

Stephen: This billionaire transgendered woman has created one seriously scary super minority: A black, lesbian robot.

Martine: She’s African American and I don’t think it matters or it doesn’t matter.

Stephen: Oh, it matters. Because we’ve always known that robots are soulless killing machines, but now they come fully uploaded with centuries of minority rage and resentment.

Just ask professor of philosophy of science and known European, Massimo Pigliucci, seen here walking in the future.

Massimo: One can imagine that an uploaded mind would actually not feel emotions. Then for all ethic purposes, we have created a race of super powerful, super intelligent, immortal psychopaths.

Stephen: And then?

Massimo: And then all hell breaks loose.

Bina: You must side with the robot liberation army when that day comes, Okay? Okay, good.

We shall overcome, overcome.

Sport Report - Swimming Pools for Football Fans & Governors’ Hockey Wager

  • I love watching football or if football is not available, The Jacksonville Jaguars. A team that’s won only eleven games in that last three years, but has a bold new plan to put butts in the seats by taking out the seats.

“They’re adding two pools, along with sixteen cabanas.”

  • Yes, pools! The perfect place to kick back and watch a football game.

At least until they put hammocks between the uprights.

  • The Cabana Package costs a mere “…$12,500 a game…The package includes 50 tickets and is all-you-can-eat and drink.”
  • Of course, you will have to wait an hour after getting into the pool. But once you do, drink all the beer you want cause you’re already in the bathroom.
  • Pools are a good start, but they should also tackle the stadiums most under-perfoming area: that green liney space in the middle. Let’s get creative in there. Maybe put a professional sports team on that thing.
  • Next up on The Sport Report: Hockey. Or as some call it “ice soccer.” Or as I call it “cold boring.”
  • The New York Rangers and The LA Kings are battling it out in the Stanley Cup Finals.
  • The real competition here is between the governors, who traditionally bet something from the team’s home state. In this case it’s California’s Governor, Jerry Brown vs. New York’s Governor, Andrew Cuomo.

“If The Rangers celebrate, like they did in the last round, California Governor, Jerry Brown will send Andrew Cuomo a box of organic California rice cakes.”

  • And BOOM go the rice cakes!
  • I for one applaud the governor’s choice of organic rice cakes. The only thing more stereotypically “Jerry Brown California” he could have wagered would have been a wind chime made out of recycled one-hitters.

“If The Kings win Brown will get a commemorative hockey puck celebrating New York’s three consecutive on-time budgets.”

  • Noooo! No! We can’t lose New York’s legendary three time on-time budget hockey puck.
  • Think of what the loss of this puck would mean to New York’s tourism industry. Millions have come from all over the world to marvel at our three on-time budget puck. I mean, it’s even in our song.

Interview - John Waters

Stephen: You are the oddest figure in American culture that we also love at the same time. We love you for your oddness. But I’m a traditional American man and I’m threatened by the fact that I still like you. Do you have any responsibility to what you have done to our culture? Do you feel responsible for the degradation of our morals?
John: Yes! I’m proud that I’ve invited you into a world where you’d be uptight and I make you feel safe and I can be your guide and you can laugh. Yes, I think that’s important. Then people don’t judge people.

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