May 1, 2014 – Saul Williams

EPISODE NUMBER: 10098 (May 1, 2014)
GUESTS: Saul Williams
STAFF CAMEO: Paul Dinello (Tad the Building Manager)
SEGMENTS: “Watters’ World” | “Watters’ World” - Tad’s Turf | CNN’s Endless Wait for Flight 370 News | Saul Williams | Saul Williams - “Amethyst Rocks”
SUIT REPORT: Dark Stripped Suit | White Suit | Pastel Blue Patterned Tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, May 1, 2014

“Watters’ World”

• You know, I have made no secret over the years that I am a huge fan of Bill O’Reilly. He is my mentor, my inspiration, my … safe word.

• Papa Bear is one of the smartest guys out there. But he doesn’t have to prove other people are dumb, because he hired somebody else to do that.

• Fox News correspondent, Jesse Watters who does a reoccurring segment, ‘Watters’ World’. […] In this segment, Watters demonstrates how little young people know about current events.

• Now notice how Watters blends investigative journalism and smash cuts in a way that makes you think about the news. And also think, “Is my cat stepping on the remote?”

“Watters’ World” - Tad’s Turf

• Of course I can’t go interview people myself because I have a medical condition where I don’t want to.

• But, I do have one employee who is perfect for the job. My building manager Tad. He’s got all the qualifications that Jesse Watters does. He reflects light … and that’s about it.

• I sent Tad up to liberal Columbia University to see just how misinformed today’s youth are, in the first installment of my long-running series, ‘Tad’s Turf.

Tad: Let me show you a picture and I want you to tell me who it is.
Student #1: Joe Biden.
Student #2: Joe Biden, the Vice President.
[Video - House, M.D.]: Wow, you’re like a detective or something.
Students #3 and #4: The Vice President.

Tad: Who is this?
Student #1: John Kerry.
Student #2: That is John Kerry.
[Video]: What’s happening!?

Tad: Clearly somebody had warned these people I was coming. But I had a few more tricks, up my turf.

Tad: Okay, so who’s this?
Student #1: That’s Joe Bidden with a mustache.

Tad: *Flashes card*
Student #1: How am I supposed to know who it is if you just flash it in front of my face?
[Video - Rhett Butler]: Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.

Tad: Can you name the three branches of government?
Small Child: Doggie. Cow. Horsie.
[Video - Billy Madison]: What you just said, is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard.

Stephen: I can’t believe those young people are the future.
Tad: And we are the past.
Stephen and Tad: *Both laugh*

Stephen: I’m so lonely *crying*
Tad: I’m so sorry.

CNN’s Endless Wait for Flight 370 News

• I am staying glued to the CNN [for the latest update on the searching for the missing Malaysian Airlines Flight 370]

“CNN: The latest is we keep checking out phones and refreshing our email inboxes to when this when this report comes in. […] We’re told this report will come to us via email, sometime around this time. […] it’s going to be coming in via email. We’ve been constantly checking out in-boxes. […] Literally we are clicking refresh several times a minute, to see when this report comes in.

We’re waiting and anticipating this report […] As we’ve been reporting, the Malaysian authorities report is expected any minute now. […] Any minute now. […] Any minute now. […] Any minute now. […] Will Ripley is live in Kuala Lumpur watching his email, as we are here. […] We have to wait to get the details but there are some things that we can expect to see. […] You want the real basics. You want the ‘who’, the ‘when’ and the ‘where’.”

• So let’s check in on another source, the magic eight ball. And, okay, there is definitely something floating in there, could be the debris. Let’s check. And, okay, ‘Ask again later’.

• In the meantime, for a different perspective, let’s sacrifice tonights news chicken. And then I will read its entrails.

• Hear me, hear me oh pre-human primordial nethergods. [Sacrifices chicken under desk] Hold on, hold on, the reports just coming in … It’s going to be a hot summer, there will be a blood rain, and oh my God, the lambs will be still born. Unfortunately nothing in here about the plane.

Interview - Saul Williams

Stephen: How did you get this part and was it hard to beat out hologram Tupac?
Saul: No.

Saul: A poetry slam is a competitive poetry reading.
Stephen: Oh, I like that. Best I like everything to be a contest. Somebody has got to win everything.
Saul: I’m going to use my hands more than you right now.
Stephen: Really? Well good luck with that my friend.

Stephen: Does it [slam poetry] have to have rhythm?
Saul: No, you could do it.