April 23, 2014 – John Calipari

EPISODE NUMBER: 10093 (April 23, 2014)
GUESTS: John Calipari
STAFF CAMEO: Jay Katsir (Jay the Intern)
SEGMENTS: Intro - 4/23/14 | Canada’s Booming Middle Class | Sport Report - Snacks for Students & Cockfighting | America’s Lime Crisis | John Calipari | Sign Off - Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Grey Suit | White Shirt | Patterned Navy Tie
VIDEOS: Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Tonight, Stephen not only gave us a fantastic show, he also made a surprise appearance on The Daily Show with our good friend, Jon Stewart! He showed up in a segment aptly named Stephen Colbert Says Goodbye. Make sure to check it out, if you haven’t already. And now for your Episode Guide, Hubsters …

Intro - 4/23/14

Tonight, a new benefit for college athletes. For one day only, we’re putting an “I” in team. Then, is America running out of a favorite food? Or did we just lose it in our folds? And my guest is Kentucky basketball coach, John Calipari. Damn! I had the coach from Duke in my bracket. Market analysts say that iPad fever is cooling. Meanwhile, Kindle dysentery still runs rampant.

Canada’s Booming Middle Class

• I love numbered lists. 1, 2, 3 … I could go on.
• Folks, the main reason I love them is because America is always at the top.
• We are number one in billionaires, worker productivity and percentage of population behind bars.
• But sadly, I might be falling out of love with lists. And here’s the number one reason why …

“Hello, Canada! You are number one. That’s the finding in a new report. Canada’s middle class passing America’s for the first time as the most affluent in the world.”

• Yes, Canada’s middle class is beating ours. Their workers are bringing home more of the bacon and worst, it’s that round sh*t.

• How is Canada’s middle class doing so well? I mean, they’ve got socialized medicine, subsidized child care and high taxes for the rich. I mean, it politely boggles the mind.

Sport Report - Snacks for Students & Cockfighting

• … College athletes have been griping, like Shabazz Napier, star point-guard of the champion UConn Huskies.

Shabazz Napier: “We’re definitely best to get a scholarship to our universities, but at the end of the day, that doesn’t cover everything. We do have hungry nights that we don’t have enough money to get food … I don’t think student athletes should get hundreds of thousands of dollars, but like I said, there are hungry nights that I go to bed and I’m starving.”

• Sadly, folks, the NCAA heard his starved ramblings and crumbled faster than an under-fed point-guard.

“The NCAA has announced college athletes can now receive unlimited meals and snacks. The new rule applies to both scholarship athletes and walk-ons.”

• College athletes need to stay hungry. It motivates them to win championships. So, that during the Gatorade dump, they can suck electrolytes off the coaches windbreaker.

• Unfortunately, for cock-thusiasts, like myself, I have some bad cock-a-doodle news, ’cause there’s a new anti-cockfighting bill in Louisiana that has state senator, Elbert Guillory, crying foul, saying this bill is for the birds and has really ruffled his feathers. Drumstick.

“Senator Elbert Guillory calls chicken boxing a legitimate sport.” “Guillory says chicken boxing is similar to human boxing … that the matches are not fought to the death.”

• Senator Guillory said that the chickens “…can engage in their sport without hurting each other … They put little boxing gloves on them … They fight in rounds … so they can get water and cool off.”
• Yes, if they’re hot they get water and if they’re losing, they get olive oil, salt & pepper and a squeeze of lemon.
• Plus, chicken boxing has strict rules, like “Each combatant shall wear standard fowl safety boxing gear.”
• Yes, just your standard fowl safety boxing gear. Just check the poultry counter at The Sports Authority.

• Sadly, folks, the Louisiana Senate has rejected this reasonable chicken boxing amendment, but I want to salute Guillory for trying to keep big government out of our chicken sporting events.
• Where does it end?! First, it’s cockfighting; now chicken boxing. Am I gonna have to close my chicken dojo?
• So please, I beg you. Legalize chicken boxing.
• And make no mistake, this is not about humans watching birds pummel each other. It’s about helping the chickens.
• (Prepare for an amazing ‘On The Waterfront’ reference!) Boxing gives them a path in life; a one-way ticket out of Palookaville, so that none of them has to turn to their older brother one day and say, “It was you, Charlie. I could have had class. I could have been somebody. I could have been a chicken tender.”

America’s Lime Crisis

• America is now facing a devastating shortage of one vital natural resource.

“There is a major lime shortage.” “We have a lime shortage on our hands.”

• Lime shortage?! That means no more margaritas; no mojitos! Thankfully, our Bud Light Lime is safe, because it is flavored with Glade Plug-Ins.
• Apparently, there is a bacterial disease killing citrus trees called “Huanglongbing.”
• Which, to be absolutely clear, is not the name of my new Asian character.

• Nation, I’m afraid there’s an even more sinister threat to our lime industrial complex.

“It all goes back to our neighbors to the south. The Michoacán is Mexico’s top lime producer and that’s where we get most of our limes from. For the past two months, the violence between drug cartels in Michoacán has wreaked havoc on the lemon and lime industry. Some cartels stealing up to a half million dollars worth of limes.”

• What is this world coming to when murderous Mexican drug cartels are peddling limes? That’s like Walter White stopping cooking meth and starting cooking gluten-free banana bread.
• Folks, in my desperation, have had no choice but to resort to black market citrus.

Jay The Intern: Hi, Stephen.
Stephen: No names, Jay.
Jay: But you just called me Jay.
Stephen: No. Your code name is now the letter “J.”
Jay: Got it.
Stephen: So, you’re just back from Mexico. Have you got the product?
Jay: Yes, but I could only fit two.
Stephen: Two?! What kind of lime mule are you? Okay, fine. Hand them over.
Jay: They haven’t yet “arrived.”
Stephen: What’s the hold up, J?
Jay: I’m sorry. There’s a back log at the port.
Stephen: Okay, fine. Then take this cross-word puzzle and don’t come out until it’s happy hour. Oh, oh, oh … and J … In a related story, there’s a looming grapefruit shortage.

Interview - John Calipari

Stephen: Do you think players should get paid?
John: Well, first of all, they talk about unions. Unions aren’t necessary if you treat people with dignity and you treat them fair. That’s one. When you talk about pay, it’s a cost of attendance. For a young man or a young woman to be on a college campus - be on scholarship, but not be able to live the same lives as everybody else on the campus is a tough deal.

Stephen: I saw you on with my hero, Bill O’Reilly. Ok? And I’ll ask you the same question: What are we gonna do about these young men with the rap and the hip-hop and the chains and the tattoos? What are we gonna do about these guys? What can we do to control them?
John: These young people have not changed.
Stephen: But they’ve got the rap and the hip-hop and the chains and the tattoos.
John: The music has changed. But the clutter has changed has changed around them - Social media and all those things. We just have to keep educating; keep leading.
Stephen: You tell them to knock off he rap and the hip-hop and the chains and the tattoos, right? You’ve got to tell them to knock it off, John.
John: I have my son listening to the same things and I turn it off when I get in the car, but he listens to it and I don’t think it’s made him any worse.

As always, The Hub invites you to share your thoughts with us in the comment section!