April 22, 2014 – George Will

EPISODE NUMBER: 10092 (April 22, 2014)
GUESTS: George Will
SEGMENTS: Intro | Postage Stamp for Harvey Milk | Better Know a District - California’s 29th | Bad News for Ethanol on Earth Day | George Will | Sign Off - Good Night
SUIT REPORT: Navy Suit | Pale blue-gray shirt | Navy striped tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Stephen “better knows” a burrito (and California’s 29th district.)

Let us know your thoughts on this great ep!

• A gay man on a stamp! Anger.

• They didn’t just pick any gay politician like Rutherford B. Hayes — oh yeah, oh yeah — methinks he doth “beard” too much — no, they went with Harvey Milk, and suddenly if I want to send something I have to lick this guy’s backside? No, no!

• The District’s median age is 32.6, but it tells casting directors that it just turned 26.3.

• In the late eightieth century, Spanish explorers were drawn to the region by the promise of sunshine, warm weather, and easy access to the 405 freeway. Some of them are still stuck in traffic to this day.

• The 29th is also home to Juicy Couture, known both for their velour tracksuits and for their charity work: teaching teenaged boys how to read.

Stephen: There are a lot of porn movies made in your district. What neighborhoods specifically should I not buy a couch from on Craigslist?
Tony Cardenas: It wouldn’t be a good idea in any neighborhood.
Stephen:You sponsored a resolution recognizing HIspanic Heritage Month. Why a whole month?
Tony: Because there a lot of things to talk about.
Stephen: You guys already have Cinco de Mayo, and Taco Tuesday. That’s every Tuesday! I don’t get White Irish Catholic month?! I don’t get it, we applied for February, and they gave it to the black guys.
Tony: You guys have St. Patrick’s day?
Stephen: One day! We get one day and you get a whole month.

****
Stephen: What does “pendejo” mean? I get that yelled at me a lot.
Tony: Maybe they’re not happy with what you said or something.
Stephen: Oh, it’ like “I respectfully disagree with you”?

****

Stephen: Here’s the thing, you’re the youngest of 11 children, I’m the youngest of 11 children, but the 11 kids in my family are old-timey quaint Irish, whereas the 11 children in your family — and I do not mean this in any way but the best way possible — are kind of scary, going-to-take-over-the-country-ish.
Tony: No, not even “ish.”

****

Stephen: You’re trying to keep chicken from China out of school kids lunches. “We don’t need your kind here. You’re taking jobs from American chickens.” Do you see how hypocritical you are?
Tony: No, I think it’s consistent.
Stephen: How do you identify a chicken as being Chinese? They all look alike. You’re a racist.
Stephen: First we’re feeding the poor kids, then it has to uncontaminated food? Where does the entitlement grab bag end?
Tony : Um, it’s important that whatever food people eat they know where it came from and they know it’s safe.
Stephen: When does the safety net become a hammock, Congressman?
Tony: (trying not to laugh)

“Muy caliente.”

Poor Rep. Cardenas. At least he seemed to take all of Stephen’s antics in stride. And must have a lock on his congressional district.

Tony: You’re not a pendejo, you’re just loco.

• Folks, I want to take a moment to wish you all a happy Earth day.

• Of course, as every year, I headed out to get my traditional Earth day tree. I just walked into the park and cut down the first one I saw. But don’t worry, tree huggers, when Earth day is over, I will release it back into the wild.

• Now I feel especially close to Mother Earth on this Earth Day, because we finally have proof that our planet doesn’t like liberals any more than I do.

“Harmful to the environment! Ha ha ha! Trying to help is pointless.”

• And absorbing Co2 is crucial to our planet’s health, because there is a ton of it in the air, for some reason.

• Way to stick it to the greenies, Eric [Bolling]! Man, I would hate to be the dumb ass who has to pay this guy’s utility bills.

Stephen: You’re a Cubs fan. Do you love the Cubs or is it sort of an abusive relationship you can’t get yourself out of right now?
George Will: I’m afraid if I stop, they’ll start winning.
Stephen: Oh, so the Cubs are like a slot machine you’ve warmed up.
George: For 106 years.
Stephen: They’ve got to pay off eventually.
George: It turns out they don’t.
Stephen: What is the problem, George? It sounds like it’s a nice place to go and spend an afternoon, because it’s always been about going and getting….drunk, and occasionally a baseball game happens there. It’s been since 1908 that they’ve won the world series. You don’t go there to watch baseball. You go there to meet friends.
George: You can meet very interesting people at Wrigley Field. They had a vendor who tried to cheat the fans. His name was Jack Rubenstein, moved to Dallas, changed his name to Jack Ruby, and shot Lee Harvey Oswald.
Stephen: Wait a second. If the Cubs had been a better team and given more business to Jack Rubenstein, we’d know who shot Kennedy.
George: We know who shot Kennedy.
Stephen: Oh, wake up! Oh, grow up, George, you buy that whole single bullet theory? We just got from Wrigley Field to the Kennedy assassination.
George: The Cubs won the Cold War.
Stephen: Wait a second - if you can prove that the Cubs won the Cold War, I will personally endorse this book.
George: In 1919, William Wrigley bought Catalina Island off southern California. In ’37, a Des Moines, IA broadcaster known as Dutch Reagan decided he would cover spring training for his radio station. He took a movie test with Warner Bros, became an actor, became President of the Untied States. Therefore, the Cubs get the credit for winning the Cold War.
Stephen: By that same logic, didn’t the Chicago Cubs also sell arms to Iran? Yes? Well that’s good enough for me!