April 10, 2014 – Sting

EPISODE NUMBER: 10090 (April 10, 2014)
GUESTS: Sting
STAFF CAMEO: Matt Lapin
SEGMENTS: David Letterman’s Retirement | Cheating Death - Depression Edition | Bill O’Reilly on America’s “Grievance Industry” | Sting
EXCLUSIVE - Sting - “The Night the Pugilist Learned How to Dance”
SUIT REPORT: Grey Suit | White Shirt | Red and Silver Striped Tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, April 10, 2014

Oh Hubsters! The first thumbnail I saw when I went to the Colbert Nation website was this one:

Also, go check out the Daily Show to see Jon’s very moving tribute to Stephen.

This episode was so special in many ways. I think everyone must’ve been watching it with a much different feeling than ever before. It was bittersweet. We are losing one of the best TV shows ever and that’s going to be so hard to get through and we don’t quite know yet what we are gaining, which makes it even harder. However, it’s exciting to know that Stephen is going to be in the big leagues. It’s fun to think about the new possibilities, some of the guests he may be able to have on, some of the things that he could do and has possibly always wanted to do but couldn’t.

For me, I’ve always been a fan of the comedy and what I love is the idea that he can get away from politics and news and current events and do things that are more geared to his roots at Second City and with The Dana Carvey show and Exit 57. Also, he can talk about those things too. I would love to hear him talk about things he’s done and stories from his past.

So we enter a new phase in our hero’s life. If he’s happy, we should all be happy!

David Letterman’s Retirement

I love the tie tribute to Dave:

• One thing before we get started, there was some big news last week that slipped through my newscrack and it concerns someone I’ve admired for years and yet surprisingly is not me. I’m talking about David Letterman, who last Thursday night announced his retirement.

• “Late Night” debuted my first year in college and I learned more from Dave than I did from my classes, especially the ones I missed because I stayed up until 1:30 watching Dave.

• This man has influenced every host who came after him, and even a few who came before him. He’s that good. And I gotta tell you, I do not envy whoever they try to put in that chair.

And the crowd goes wild!

Cheating Death - Depression Edition

Botox may be a cure for depression and if that doesn’t work, just take a horse tranquilizer.

• Wedding vows are supposed to last until death do us part, but with today’s divorce rate, sadly, half of marriages don’t end in death.
• As always, Cheating Death is brought to you by Prescott Pharmaceuticals. Prescott, where malpractice makes mal-perfect.

The “Depression Edition” was focusing on Mental Health. I liked the skeleton:

• Sure, there are treatments like Paxil, Prozac and Zoloft, but you can’t inject those into your face.

There’s a new study that claims that injections of Botox can prevent frowning from sending the sad and depressing feelings to your brain, thereby eliminating feelings of depression.

• When I learned that Botox can cure depression, you should’ve seen the expression on my face…or any expression on the face of someone with Botox.

• That’s why Prescott is proud to introduce, “Vacsa-Meh”. Because why paralyze your face from showing emotions, when you can just paralyze the emotions themselves.
• Every syringe comes with the same toxins as Botox, but with an 8 inch needle that allows you to inject it directly into your brain.

(Stephen, please make sure you take Matt Lappin with you to CBS!)

If using Botox doesn’t make you feel happy, then you could turn to Ketamine, a horse tranquilizer. Yeah, I feel better about that already.

• It does make sense to treat depression with a horse tranquilizer. Every time I see a horse I want to say, ‘Why the long face?’

Stephen enjoys his pun.

Ketamine triggers the release of glutamate in the brain, which helps synapses grow, in turn helping you feel good.

• Prescott has re-purposed it’s own liquid anti-depression medication, “Vac-Daniels”. It’s guaranteed to temporarily relieve depression, reduce social anxiety and make you funny brave and sexy, plus it makes other people seem more attractive.

• Simply hold up two fingers to the side of the glass to find your proper dose. For severe cases, drink more.

Bill O’Reilly on America’s “Grievance Industry”

This made headlines, but if you didn’t see them here’s the story. Bill is picking on Stephen again. This time it seems different. He’s really gone off the deep end this time.

• Nation, if you’re a longtime viewer of this show you know that Bill O’Reilly and I have a mutual appreciation society. I admire Bill and so does he.

Bill talks about the “grievance industry” and how Stephen is all to blame for the country goin’ to hell in a handbasket.

Bill goes all the way back to the Vietnam war and arrives at today in Stephen’s universe and somehow links the two together to blame him for the downfall of society.

• Can you imagine what would’ve happened to America if we hadn’t gone to war in Vietnam? That means no ‘Forrest Gump’ and therefore no Bubba Gump Shrimp Shack Mac ‘n Cheese. I’m sorry, but that’s not an America I want to live in.

Bill thinks that Stephen is the darling of the far-left internet, which “rhapsodizes” over him.

Bill says that he believes in equality, just not the government trying to impose equality on us. Yeah, because we are so good at policing ourselves to be equal to each other.

• Bill, you’ve got me all wrong. I agree with every word you’re saying, even if those words don’t agree with each other.
• I also believe institutional bias should be against the law, but that the government should do nothing about it. That leaves…ah….maybe a voluntary ‘make a law, take a law’ tray?

Interview - Sting

• My guest tonight is a legendary rock icon who’s latest project is a musical about the death of the English shipbuilding industry, or as I’m calling it, Kinky Boats. Please welcome Sting!

Sting was dressed in rock star fashion, also good for yard work:

Stephen: Thank you for taking time away from cleaning your gutters, I guess, to be here. It’s a busy time of year for that.
Sting: I didn’t want to clash.

Sting was, of course, the front man for ‘The Police’ but has really broadened his long music career since then.

Stephen: You’ve had a (emphatically) 40 year career in rock ‘n roll.
Sting: Yeah, more.
Stephen: More, well I didn’t want to age you. You’ve had a 70 year career in rock ‘n roll!

Sting grew up in a neighborhood in England where they built humungous ships. They showed a picture and it’s actually quite surreal.

Sting: The shipyard closed in the 80’s.
Stephen: Is Margaret Thatcher the hero of this musical? I’m a huge fan of hers.
Sting: No, no no. We’re not a fan of Mrs. Thatcher.

He is also doing the 25th anniversary of the Rainforest Benefit at Carnegie Hall on April 28th.

Stephen: What’s it like to have one name?
Sting: Fantastic for signing autographs.
Stephen: It saves so much time. Last summer you did a tour, it was you and Paul Simon. So for that were you Stingfunkel?
Sting: Yes!

He sang two songs, “The Last Ship” and “The Night the Pugilist Learned How to Dance”

The Report is off for a week. I think they could use a break after the last three huge media-strewn weekends.