April 7, 2014 – Edward Frenkel

EPISODE NUMBER: 10086 (April 7, 2014)
GUESTS: Edward Frenkel
SEGMENTS: Jeb Bush on Illegal Immigrants | Tip/Wag - New York Times, Alaska Board of Game, & Mazda | Matt Bevin’s Cockfighting Controversy | Edward Frenkel | Sign Off — Newspaper
SUIT REPORT: Deep gray suit | White shirt | Gray & light blue striped tie
VIDEOS: Monday, April 7, 2014

Stephen accepts adulation from the crowd and appears to adopt a member of the audience named Avery.

After Stephen’s name ricocheted across every internet media outlet this weekend over Late Show succession rumors, it was business as usual on the Report. Tonight, though, Stephen was in particularly fine form, with a great Tip/Wag and poignant observations made about marriage, and the responsibilities of public servants in their selection of speaking engagements (hint: don’t speak at cockfighting “defense” organizations.)

The interview with sexy mathematician Edward Frenkel was parts awesome and startling. This is why I say never look at the guest name and make assumptions; the film he produced was some steamy mathematical stuff! So like a man to devise a potentially evil math formula and then force his lover to be stuck with it permanently. Hmpf.

What did you guys think of the ep? Formulate some opinions while I add more quotes and caps to the guide of this dazzling ep.

“The candidate I’ve been pinning my hopes on is Jeb Bush. He’s a strong leader whose victory would return dignity to the White House and relevance to my tramp stamp.”

“Because Republican primary voters know that illegal immigration is not an act of love, sir. It is an illicit, filthy act of border penetration. No love involved. It is sweaty, and it is frantic, and odds are, it’s happening in the back of a truck.”

• The only going on here is the immigrant’s love for American jobs, education, and health care. I say if immigrants love their families so much, then why does my housekeeper never seem to go home to her kids? She’s always with mine. By the way, Rosita, I need you to stay late tonight.

“Now don’t get me wrong, immigration is what made this country great. But only when it’s the result of Nazis, potato famine, or however black people got here, I don’t know.”

• Nation, I never bow in the face of criticism, I am the face of criticism.

New York Times

• What about celebrating the millions of couples who are simply making it work? By printing “Still Married” announcements:

Mark Hefner and his wife Marie are pleased to announce they continue to be married. Are they always happy? No. Is it work with kids? You bet your ass it is. Marie’s got a full time job too, so why is she the one taking the kids to soccer practice? “Oh, here we go, get the chalk and the blackboard because I know you’re keeping score! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m just tired.” Anyways, Mark and Marie basically enjoy each other’s company, and isn’t that the most you can hope for?

“I want these ‘Still Married’ announcements to be printed for the same reason all marriage announcements are printed: to make the people you know jealous.”

Alaska Board of Game

“Since when is hunting about fairness? If it was fair, we would meet the moose in the middle of the woods, flip a coin and the winner gets the gun.”

Mazda

*By some weird abnormality of Mazda’s engineering, spiders are fond of taking residence in the fuel cells of Mazda vehicles and feasting on gasoline, leading to mechanical issues.

“That’s right, once again mankind faces the threat of gas huffing spiders.”

• Primary season is upon us, and I could not be more excited. Time to see some fresh new faces being bankrolled by the same old faces. And folks, no face needs freshening more than Senator Mitch McConnell. Now, I have recently always been opposed to Mitch McConnell. He claims to be a small government conservative, yet he works in the US Senate? Pick a side, sir.

• The liberal Kentucky media is going after [McConnell challenger] Matt Bevin just because he spoke at a pro-cockfighting rally.

• Longtime viewers of the Report know that I am something of a cock-thusiast.

• As Bevin noted, life on the trail moves too fast to notice details like who you are talking to.

• Yes, he’s moving all over the state, speaking here, speaking there, his handlers drive him around in a windowless van with a bag on his head. Then they whip it off and he just goes for it: “liberty!” (waves hands frantically) “tax cuts!” and then back in the bag.

Frenkel: “If you ask a drunkard, what’s more, 2/3 or 3/5, he couldn’t tell you. But if you ask him what is better, 2 bottles of vodka for 3 people, or 3 bottles of vodka for 5 people, he would tell you right away, ‘2 bottles, of course!'”

Stephen: Now in Russia, is math the same as it is here — or over there is it 2+2 is whatever Putin says it is?

Frenkel’s love interest bares the critical formula in “Rites of Love and Math.”