March 31, 2014 – Biz Stone
EPISODE NUMBER: 10082 (March 31, 2014)
GUESTS: Biz Stone
SPECIAL GUEST: B.D. Wong
SEGMENTS: Intro – 3/31/14 | Emoji Authenticity | Who’s Attacking Me Now? – #CancelColbert | Stephen’s #CancelColbert Mea Culpa | Biz Stone – Part 1 | Biz Stone – Part 2
SUIT REPORT: Dark Suit | Light Blue Shirt | Navy Tie
VIDEOS: Monday, March 31, 2014
Tonight’s episode in a Wørd? BRILLIANT. It was monumental. I felt honored to blog about this episode. And I feel proud that I am lucky enough to blog for Colbert News Hub. So, without any further ado, here is your Episode Guide, Hubsters.
Intro - 3/31/14
While the sad theme music from ‘Platoon’ plays …
“Stephen Colbert is facing some serious backlash this morning after a Tweet sent by his show, The Colbert Report’s star Twitter account.”
“People are calling for Stephen Colbert’s show to be canceled … [echo’d] canceled … canceled.”
Ahhhh!
BD Wong: Don’t worry, Stephen. You were just having a nightmare.
Stephen: BD Wong! What’s happening?!
BD: Well, you see, Stephen, recent stressful events in your life have caused an emotional implosion, which combined with your narcissistic persecution complex have manifested themselves in themes of loss and destruction.
Stephen: No, I know all that stuff. No, I mean what are you doing here?
BD: You’re still dreaming, Stephen.
Stephen: Oooohhh. And I’m dreaming about BD Wong because …
BD: You feel asleep watching Law and Order: Special Victims Unit.
Stephen: This is still The Colbert Report!
Emoji Authenticity
- Folks, I know this is not the first time you heard me say this, but what the hell is happening to this country?
- But now the forces of cultural corrosion are targeting the precious little miracles we hold most dear: our phones.
“You know those little smiley face icons called Emoji, all over your texts and Tweets? Well, Apple is saying they’re not racially diverse enough.”
This makes me so angry face that I could punch a snowman into a circus tent full of sexy stilettos. After that, I’d have to cool down with a handful of pills and turkey drumstick.
- I can’t just be sad anymore. I’ll have to be black sad. And I’m sorry, but that is way sadder than I am willing to be.
- Besides, there’s already enough diversity on the Emoji keyboard, like turban guy. He could represent anything - A Hindu, a Muslim, a genie or a head trauma victim of any race.
Who’s Attacking Me Now? - #CancelColbert
- And folks, internet equality is more important than ever as I learned this weekend when the interwebs tried to swallow me whole. But I am proud to say that I got lodged in it’s throat and it hacked me by up like a hastily chewed chicken wing.
“People are calling for Stephen Colbert’s show to be canceled. After a Tweet about Asians appeared on the Comedy Central Twitter account.” “The hashtag Cancel Colbert is trending this morning.”
- But folks, I’m still here!
It’s all because of you people.
- The dark forces trying to silence my message of core conservative principles, mixed with youth-friendly product placement have been thwarted. [Takes a sip from a bottle of Bud Light Lime] Went through a few of these this weekend.
- Now I have my own racial misunderstandings with the Asian community over a long-running and beloved character on my show. Very important - he is a character. He is not me. This is the real Stephen Colbert. I mean everything I say on this show.
- I mean, who would have thought a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create misunderstandings?
- But folks, I have never once used @ColbertReport. As you heroes know, I’m @StephenAtHome. Though, full disclosure, I sometimes Tweet from @[email protected]
- When the Twit hit the fan … [Audience erupts in laughter]
- The brain-trust over at my network took the Tweet down. Because that’s how the internet works. You can just take stuff down and no one will ever know it happened. Just ask Mayor Weiner.
- But when I saw the Tweet with no context, I understood how people were offended. The same way, I, as an Irish-American was offended after reading only one line of Jonathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal. I mean, eat Irish babies?! #CancelSwift! Trend it!
- Now, all of this was started by a hashtag activist or hash-tivist, who has been viciously attacked on Twitter. And if anyone is doing that for me, I want you to stop right now.
- Now, the Cancel Colbert people think that even in context, I am a racist. I just want to say that I am not a racist. I don’t even see race. Not even my own. People tell me I’m white and I believe them because I just devoted six minutes to explaining how I’m not a racist.
- And that is about the whitest thing you can do.
CNN even took a break from their Malaysian Airline coverage to report spotting what they thought was the wreckage of my show off the coast of Australia.
- And most hurtful, my fellow conservatives abandoned me in my time of need. Like Michelle Malkin who co-signed onto #CancelColbert and called me a “coward.”
- This cuts deep, especially because I learned everything about sensitivity to the Asian-American experience from reading Michelle’s 2004 book, In Defense of Internment.
It turns out, they had it coming. One less thing for me to feel guilty about.
- To recap: A web editor I’ve never met posts a Tweet in my name on an account I don’t control, outrages a hashtag activist and the news media gets 72 hours of content. The system worked!
- But all this started right after I taped Thursday night’s show, so I couldn’t respond until today. So, in a sense I was canceled for three days, just like Jesus.
Stephen’s #CancelColbert Mea Culpa
- Effective immediately - and I cannot believe I am saying this - I am shutting down the world-wide operation of The Ching-Chong-Ding-Dong Foundation for Sensitivity to Orientals or Whatever. I have to.
- The saddest part is, because of all of the attention, we raised a lot of money over the weekend. Money that will now be donated to Dan Snyder’s Washington Redskins Original Americans Foundation.
- Which Twitter seems to be fine with, because I haven’t seen sh*t about that!
Stephen: I have terrible news, Jamas.
James: It’s James.
Stephen: Jamas, I’m gonna have to let you go as Chief Operating Officer of the foundation. Call Sir Paul and Miley and tell them the concert’s off. Then clear out your desk.
James: But I’m the only Asian person you know.
Stephen: I’m sorry, Jamas! I have no choice. But I will let you return to the show for no pay as part of the Michelle Malkin Memorial Unpaid Interment Program.
Biz Stone - Part 1
Stephen: First of all I just want to thank you for just dropping everything and flying in from San Francisco just to apologize to me.
Biz: Actually, I’m not hear to apologize.
Stephen: I accept.
Biz: But we will get a chance to talk about my new book, right?
Stephen: Yeah, we’ll get to that. Here’s the thing. When you founded Twitter, did you do it just to attack me?
Stephen: But it has become an incredibly powerful thing. As I’ve said, it’s taken down dictators across the world, but did not take down me. Am I now the most powerful man in the world?
Biz: Yes.
[Crowd emphatically chants, “Stephen! Stephen!”]
Stephen: Ladies and gentlemen, the sound of people mindlessly chanting your name - That’s the sound of freedom.
Stephen: Biz, here’s the thing: Is that I can understand why people might have been upset by that Tweet. But I never want this to happen again. And the network very kindly gave me control of @ColbertReport’s Twitter feed.
Biz: I have a kill switch that will immediately delete any Twitter account.
Stephen: Alright, let’s do the thing. Get it out.
Stephen: One last Tweet everybody. If you want to see a Tweet a from me, follow @StephenAtHome. Bye-bye. Hit it!
Biz Stone - Part 2
Stephen: You’ve got a new book called Things A Little Bird Told Me: Confessions of the Creative Mind. So, what did the little bird tell you? And when did this little bird start talking to you? Because that’s sometimes a sign of schizophrenia. What is the creative mind?
Biz: This book is essentially a lecture I started ten years ago at Oxford University.
Stephen: Oooo! Oxford University! Smarty pants! Go ahead.
Biz: I started giving this lecture and then I started getting invited to do it lots of other places. And I found that it resonated with people - kids in high school all the way to CEOs. They would come up to me afterwards and they would say, you know, this part of the lecture really gave me a new perspective on this or that. So, when someone suggested that I write a book, I thought it was a good idea.
Stephen: I will say one thing, though. Not a single chapter in this book is less than 140 characters long. You, sir, are a hypocrite.
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