January 29, 2014 – Cris Carter

EPISODE NUMBER: 10055 (January 29, 2014)
GUEST: Cris Carter
SEGMENTS: Superb Owl XLVIII - Football Christmas | Fallback Position - Championship NFL Quarterback Pt. 2 | Distractions & Reactions at the State of the Union | Cris Carter | Sign Off - Pete Seeger Tribute - “If I Had a Hammer”
SUIT REPORT: Dark Suit | White Shirt | Navy/Silver Stripped Tie | Blue and White NFL Uniform
VIDEOS: Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Stephen proves he’s up for the Big Game on Game Day, although with (slightly) furrier creatures.

Superb Owl XLVIII - Football Christmas

• Every year I put out a plate of buffalo wings and ranch dressing, in hopes Terry Bradshaw will come down my chimney. It hasn’t happened yet, but I still believe Terry.
   

  Fallback Position - Championship NFL Quarterback Pt. 2

  • I’ve really grow to love talking about the old split cow hide, as no one calls it. But I think, perhaps I am most emotional about the journey taken toward becoming a former championship caliber professional athlete.
  • Obviously the most important thing before any game is the motivational speech by the coach. I’ve written a few words here, I wouldn’t mind hearing them from a man like you.

  Joe Gibbs: Stephen, I’ve coached many man, but none like you -
  Stephen: *mouths* Thank you.
  Joe Gibbs: You combine charisma, looks and athleticism, into one dazzling package.
  Stephen: *mouths* Wow.
  Joe Gibbs: So go out there and win one for the Gipper. By which I mean, Ronald Reagan.
  Stephen: *nods affirmatively*
  Joe Gibbs: Show me the money. Are you there God? It’s me Marget. Eye of the tiger.

  Wait, wait, wait. What are you doing? What happened to one Mississippi?

  • Blink 182, Maroon 5 … Hut!
  • 2 legit, 2 legit to quit … Hike!
  • Down, set … Three rings for the Elven Kings! Seven for the Dwarf Lords in the halls of stone! Nine for the mortal men doomed to die! One for the Dark Lord. Hike!

  Halftime!

  • Listen up! I don’t know what the hell you think you’re doing out there, but it sure as shit ain’t football!
  • You’re acting like a bunch of bitches. I know that some of you are actually bitches, and I apologise. I didn’t mean that as a slur, I meant that you’re not applying yourself to the sport. Excuse me, don’t eat my chalk.
  • We’re not here to sniff butt, we’re here to kick butt.

   

  Distractions & Reactions at the State of the Union

  • As important as football is, there are other stories out there. For example, the leader of the free world speaking to Congress.

  “Last night, I was riveted to the State of the Union, in that I had surgeons rivet my eyeballs to make me watch it. “

  “Human animal hybrids. That was a big problem back then! We forget, we forget! If President Bush hadn’t warned us about it…you’re son would be playing soccer against Puma Boy. “

  • What better way to start a “year of action” than with an hour of talking.

  “Workplace policies that belong in a Mad Men episode? I’m sorry, sir, but I think you’re just saying that to detract from domestic spying programs that belong in a Homeland episode. “

  • Now speaking of distractions, Joe Biden.

  “I want to see if you can spot the exact moment the Vice President strips the event of all dignity.”

   

  Interview - Cris Carter

  Cris Carter demonstrates the importance of massive hands in an NFL-level champion wide receiver.

  Stephen: The guys are going to try and get [the ball] away from you, if they tackle you.
  Cris Carter: My game was to catch it….I knew if not, a whole bunch of guys were coming to the scene, so I got down on the ground. Almost like a police arrest-
  Stephen: “Officer, I am not resisting you.”
  Carter: Sometimes, as a minority, you just get on the ground. You just get on down, and let them conduct their business.
  Stephen: Did you see my tool set out there?
  Carter: I was little pissed though, why didn’t you use me, instead of Isaac Bruce? He’s been to 4 Pro Bowls, I’ve been to 8. What’s wrong with your math?
  Stephen: I’ve got you here. Hold on, hold on. (tosses ball to Carter)
  Carter: Now see, just like that, with no practice, you and I connected. You went through all those outtakes with Isaac, didn’t catch none.
  Stephen: What kind of connection need there be between a receiver and a quarterback? How much of it is the quarterback, how much is the receiver, or is it somewhat symbiotic?
  Carter: It is symbiotic, I have to be able to finish your sentence. We’re going to be real good.
  Carter: I put the Hall of Fame behind everything I do now. And you can charge more when you do it. So even though you’re losing, you’re winning.
  Stephen: There’s a “Hall of Fame Surtax” on everything you do now?
  Carter: I was never on this show before. I am in the Hall of Fame. Holla, I’m here!

  Carter shows Stephen where a bicep is located. Wink, wink.

  Carter:”Now see, just like that, with no practice, you and I connected. You went through all those outtakes with Isaac, didn’t catch none. “

   

  Sign Off - Pete Seeger Tribute - “If I Had a Hammer”

  Stephen honors Pete Seeger’s memory with this previously unaired performance of “If I Had a Hammer.”