January 20, 2014 - Scott Stossel

EPISODE NUMBER: 10049 (January 20, 2014)
GUEST: Scott Stossel
SEGMENTS: Intro - 1/20/13 | Peyton Manning’s “Omaha” Chant & Marijuana’s Effects on Football | The Word - Thrift Justice | Pope Francis’s Breastfeeding Support & Affordable Sainthood | Scott Stossel | Sign Off - cOlbert’s Book Club Reminder
SUIT REPORT: Dark Suit | White Shirt | Light Blue Stripped Tie
VIDEOS: Monday, January 20, 2014

Intro - 1/20/13

Tonight, new advances in capital punishment. When will they finally find a vaccine against lethal injections? Then, how to become a Saint. You need a leper, a spare arm and a hot glue gun. And my gust journalist Scott Stossel says worriers are winners. Oh man, I don’t know if I’m a winner … which means I am! Kraft has recalled over 1.7 million pounds of Velveeta products for mislabeled ingredients. They accidentally called it cheese.

Peyton Manning’s “Omaha” Chant & Marijuana’s Effects on Football

• I watched so much football yesterday, I got a contact concussion.

• It’s going to feature NFC Champs, the Seattle Sad Birds versus the AFC Champs, the Denver horse ghosts, who last night defeated the New England face kites.

• That’s how I play all of my family vacations. I just turn on the TV and book tickets to the first city I hear someone shout.And since I never watch anything but Fox News, kids get ready for spring break in Benghazi.

• Before you know it all the Super Bowl commercials are going to be for munchies, and all the ads are going to have freaky talking babies and animals.[…] And say good by to All-American half time shows. Instead, they’ll just put a two hour Hayao Miyazaki movie up on the jumbo-tron instead.

The Word - Thrift Justice

• Those damn Danish! They wont send us their death drug, but who knows how many lives they’ve cut short with their delectable pastries.

• I don’t know about you folks, but I’ve copen-had-it up to here.

• Texas is not the only state that’s thinking out the box for new ways to put people in a box. So it Ohio:

“Denis McGuire was executed by lethal injection with a combination of drugs never before used in the United States. […] It’s a sedative painkiller combination being used because Ohio’s former execution drugs dried up. […] This is the combination that had never before been used in lethal injections. They [Midazolam (Sedative) and Hydromorphone (Painkiller)] are typically used for colonoscopies.”

• Sounds like a win-win. While they’re executing him, they can screen him for Polyphs.

Rectum? Actually Killed ‘Em!

“Judge Gregory Frost: Ohio is free to innovate and to evolve its procedures for administering captial punishment.”

• Yes, Ohio is free to innovate. After all, they’re the home of the Wright Brothers who invented the flying electric chair.

• There is just one little hitch. The deadly drug mix had one fatal flaw.

Beside being fatal?

• The convicts, 15 minute death struggle was describe by one one witness as horrific. And that’s a problem because Americans want the government to kill people for us, but we don’t want to feel ooky.

Reeper’s creepers

• That’s why we’re always trying to find that death sweet spot.

Hour 3 of “The Today Show?

• Yes bring back firing squads. With so much gun violence in America, shouldn’t we at leadt shoot one person who deserves it?

• You know what else is free?

Willy?

• Gravity. We’ve got plenty of gravity here, and last time I checked, America still has tall buildings. I say just shove the condemned off the Sears Tower, if he survives the drop, remember he’ll land in Chicago and someone will shoot him.

Or the pizza will kill him

• Don’t worry if it seems like a cruel and unusual punishment. Because if we do it often enough, it won’t seem unusual.

Pope Francis’s Breastfeeding Support & Affordable Sainthood

• Full confession. Last night I had a few drinks and texted “You up?” to that tree from Avatar.

“Pope Francis encouraged mothers to breastfeed their babies in the Sistine Chapel yesterday during a Baptism Ceremony. The down-to-Earth pontiff said if they are hungry, then feed them. Don’t think twice.” [Audience cheers]

• Yes, I clap when I’m angry to. How dare the Pope just encourage women to whip ’em out in public! The Catholic Church had spent the past 2000 years making us feel shame about our bodies. That’s why I shower in a bathing suit white wearing one of those dog cones.

• Urging women to breast feed violates the central tenet of Catholicism. There is no snacking in Church.

• I say if that kid is allowed to chow down on his own personal Dairy Queen, then I should be allowed to bring in a plate of Buffalo Wings.

• You can’t slash the price of becoming a Saint. Being rich is the first miracle. Sainthood is like God’s Country Club. They don’t let in poor people or Jews.

Interview - Scott Stossel

Stephen: Wait, you have a fear of cheese?
Scott: Yeah, I will never go to Wisconsin.
Stephen: What is it about cheese that frightens you.
Scott: Well it’s irrational.
Stephen: Okay.
Scott: […] I tell people I would rather be buried in a sarcophagus full of rats and snakes, which I am actually not afraid of which a lot of people are, than be dipped into some Gorgonzola.

Stephen: So what are some of the things you’re afraid of? You name yours and I’ll name mine. I’ll go first. Illegal Immigrants.
Scott: Cheese - turophobia. My most acute one and longest standing, and I think this is completely rational, but I know that most people don’t, is emetophobia which is the fifth most common phobia, which is a pathological fear of vomiting. Which I have not done since 1977.
Stephen: That you’ll vomit or that someone will vomit on you?
Scott: That I will vomit.
Stephen: That’s my fear to. So how do you cure it?
Scott: I could vomit on you right now, and you would be cured and I would be cured.
Stephen: …