January 16, 2014 - Naquasia LeGrand

EPISODE NUMBER: 10048 (January 16, 2014)
GUEST: Naquasia LeGrand
SPECIAL GUEST: Carol Burnett
SEGMENTS: NSA Software Implants | Colbert Platinum - Diamond Pacifiers & Financial Domination | Stephen’s Grammy Nomination - Carol Burnett | Naquasia LeGrand | Sign Off - cOlbert’s Book Club
SUIT REPORT: Dark Suit | Light Blue Shirt | Purple Patterned Tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, January 16, 2014

First Billy Crystal was on the show, then Carol Burnett, do you think an appearance by David Sedaris could be on the horizon? Why not share your thoughts in the comments, and tell us what you thought of last nights episode!!

NSA Software Implants

• Folks, if you watch the show, you’ll know that I am a huge fan of the folks at the NSA. They have kept America safe. In fact, thanks to them, so far there has never been another September 11th, 2001. Don’t believe me, check your calendars.

• A recent study by the Nonpartisan New America Foundation backs me up:

“A new analysis of 225 individuals linked to Al Qaeda and charged with terrorism since September 11, says the NSA’s bulk surveillance programs: ‘Had no discernable impact on preventing acts of terrorism.'”

• See, I don’t understand what people like Edward Snowden are so mad about. Is violating everyone’s privacy really that bad if it doesn’t even work?
  Besides, it does not have to work. It just had to feel like it’s working. Because of what Director of National Intelligence, James Clapper calls: The ‘peace of mind’ metric.

• Folks, I get that. NSA surveillance is just like the handful of placebo sugar pills I every morning. To prevent canine hip displasure, though I have developed Type II Diabetes.

• They’ve got transmitters in our USB cords. I’m guessing that’s why the first time you try to plug it in, it’s the wrong way.

Colbert Platinum - Diamond Pacifiers & Financial Domination

• Kalfin Jewellers has created a $50, 000 diamond encrusted pacifier.

• Finally, a product that combines two things I love: quiet babies, and exploiting the Congo.

• And this gift just keeps on giving. Once your child’s teeth come in, you can have the pacifier made into a toddler grill.

• Now $42, 000 is pretty steep for a dominatrix. The ball gag better be a Fabergé Egg.

• This is part of a sexual sub-culture, called “Findom”. Which does not, as I originally expected, involved getting whipped by a Rainbow Trout.

• “Findom” stands for ‘Financial Domination’, in which someone is sexually aroused by the thought of [sending someone else] money and gifts, expecting no sexual favours in returns.

Stephen’s Grammy Nomination – Carol Burnett

• Last year, I won not one, but two Emmy Awards. Fulfilling my dream of having one for each kidney.

• Then, last week I won the People’s Choice Award. It meant more to me than anything, because it came from you the people. Also because I did not have to be present to win.

• I shall cherish this moment forever … and it’s gone. I’m empty inside … I mean, what else is there? Daddy needs a fix. Is there anything else left to win? Is there any word from the Noble people? Are there any high school science fairs I can enter? Anything?

• Jimmy: Stephen, you are up for a Grammy.

• I’m presently surprised that I just got a letter from my life long hero, and recent enemy, Carol Burnett.

Carol: Stephen tell me, do you know what sarcasm means?
Stephen: Of course I do. It’s like when someone says, ‘I’m so hungry I could eat a horse’.
Carol: That’s hyperbole.
Stephen: Tell that to the horse I ate.
Carol: Stephen, let me explain. Sarcasm is saying the exact opposite of how you feel, to make a point. For instance, right now I could say … After 50 years in show business, receiving 6 Emmy’s, 12 People’s Choice Awards, a Peabody, a Kennedy Centre Honour, the Mark Twain Award, and the Presidential Medal of Freedom, being on your basic cable chat show … is the biggest thrill of my career.
Stephen: Ahuh *nods
Carol: But I mean the opposite.
Stephen: Ooooh, so it’s the second biggest thrill of your career.
Carol: How do you dress yourself?

Carol: All sarcasm aside, Stephen. Goodluck at the Grammys, and may the best women win.
Stephen: I hope I do.

Interview - Naquasia LeGrand

Stephen: You are a 22-year-old worker at KFC who has been organising flash strikes to help push for a $15 an hour minimum wage at Fast Food Restaurants.
Naquasia: And don’t forget the right to unionise without retaliation.

Naquasia: Right now I make $8 [an hour], fortunately because fast food workers like us stood up and had a voice. Now I’m making $8 an hour.
Stephen: The minimum wage was $7.25 in New York, and it’s gone to $8 in the last year. So you understand that extra 75c an hour is passed on to a consumer like me and I could be paying more than 4c more for my Go Cup. You’re taking money out of my pocket when you do that.

Stephen: Why not just work more? How many hours do you work a week?
Naquasia: I don’t know if your people told you, I worked at two KFC’s and still couldn’t make it. I still didn’t see at least $300 a week. Maybe about 35 hours I did in a week, and I still didn’t make it. I’ve still got a Metrocard I need, I still have a family to feed, I still have to make sure bills get paid at a certain time. I still could not do that working at two KFC’s.
Stephen: Do you still work at two KFC’s?
Naquasia: No, sir. I ‘m only making $8 [an hour] working 15 hours a week.

Stephen: It’s been said that the requirement in Obamacare, that anyone who works more than 30 hours a week has led places like KFC, where you work, to keep people to part-time so they don’t have to pay healthcare.
Naquasia: That’s right. These corporations don’t want to pay that healthcare so that’s why they put people under 30 hours a week.
Stephen: So it’s Obama’s fault?
Naquasia: I don’t know …
Stephen: Trust me, it’s Obama’s fault.
Naquasia: Hey, these multi-billion dollar companies are taking money from my pockets too. I am working and giving them all that money. They can afford to give it to me.

Stephen: Why do you need to organise? Why call for unions? Unions never solved anything other than child labour.
Naquasia: You know why? Because me, just being my one voice, can’t go to my manager and be like “Listen, I want these set days. This is how much money I want.” No, I have to come with a team, I have to come with my co-workers and other workers around the country and let them know it’s not just me who’s going through this, it’s all of us who’s going through this. That’s what makes a union. Americans coming together to make a difference and have a voice together.
Stephen: I know that you want more money and you want healthcare and you want human dignity, but I don’t want you to have those things if it will costs me more money. Can we meet some place in the middle? Like, you have dignity but not human dignity. Or human, but not dignity.
Naquasia: Let me tell you something, Steve. There’s no compromise in unionise, okay?

Sign Off - cOlbert’s Book Club

• Fire up your reading glasses folks, because it’s time for another installment. Which author this time? Well we had ‘Curious George’ all lined up, but sadly last week he flew into a rage and savagely disfigured the man with the yellow hat.

• So we’ll just have to settle for my next favourite literary giant, Ernest Hemingway and his classic ‘A Farewell to Arms’. We’ll discuss it next Tuesday, January 21st with special guests, famed author Michael Chabon and Ernie’s granddaughter, Mariel Hemingway.