January 9, 2014 - Jeff Skoll

EPISODE NUMBER: 10044 (January 9, 2014)
GUEST: Jeff Skoll
SEGMENTS: New Jersey Bridge Scandal - Damning Emails | New Jersey Bridge Scandal - Chris Christie’s Someone Else-a Culpa | Robert Gates’s “Duty” | Sign Off - People’s Choice Award
SUIT REPORT: Dark Suit | Light Blue Shirt | Grey Stripped Tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, January 9, 2014

New Jersey Bridge Scandal - Damning Emails

Stephen opened the show by singing a song from ‘Jesus Christ Superstar’ to the rapturous applause of the audience. One can only hope that Broadway and West End casting directors were watching last nights show.

• New Jersey Governor and future former Republican front runner, Chris Christie.

• The George Washington Bridge, named of course after one of our founding fathers, George W. Bridge.

“Newsman: I do think it makes him look small.”

• And that is the first time anyone has ever said that about Christ Christie.

• No, it’s not wrong to be smiling. It’s wrong to have saved a text about you smiling.

New Jersey Bridge Scandal - Chris Christie’s Someone Else-a Culpa

• In retrospect, he probably should have realised that this traffic scandal was linked to ‘Bridg-et’ Kelly. And if I were him, I would keep my eye on communications director, Laine Closure.

• Throughout what historians will now call, ‘The One Hundred Years Press Conference’, Christie never lost sight of who was truly hurt by all this, Chris Christie:

“[Chris Christie] The fact is, right now, I’m sad. […] The emotion I have been displaying in private, is sad. […] I’m saddened […] I’m sad … I’m sad, that’s the predominant emotion I feel right now. […] I don’t know what the stages of grief are in the exact order …”

• Wait, I think I know this. The stages of grief, it goes … sadness, press conference, denial, anger, political death.

• CNN panelist and lens crafters catalog model, S.E. Cupp.

• A year ago, when I saw Chris Christie palling around with Barack Obama after hurricane Sandy … I was worried he was one of those fake conservatives who secretly believed that the government can do things. But now I realise he’s the kind of leader I can get behind. The kind who says “It’s my way or I shut down your highway.”

• Christie is a true conservative. He is committed to proving the core conservative value that government is the problem - even if he has to create those problems himself. I can already see his 2016 bumper sticker:

• Best of all, his team will make sure you have plenty of time to read those bumper stickers [Image of a traffic jam]

Robert Gates’s “Duty”

• ‘Duty’ is on everyone’s lips, and the book isn’t even out yet. Next week is when the ‘Duty’ drops, but a little bit of ‘Duty’ has already leaked out, and for such a small piece of ‘Duty’, it’s raising quite a stink.

• But [Obama] wanted to throw away Bush’s war the same way he tossed out his oval office hamburger phone. How he [George Bush] loved telling world leaders he was just calling to … ketchup.

“I believe Obama was right in [his] decisions … [but] I myself, out commanders and our troops had expected more commitment to the cause and more passion for it from him …”

• Yes, Obama made the right decisions, but he faked his wargasm.

“… had no second thoughts about Iraq, including our decision to invade.”

• Secretary Gates much preferred President Bush who had no second thought! I’m pretty sure he didn’t have first thoughts.

Interview - Jeff Skoll

Stephen: Have you ever worried that perhaps movies have too much influence on us? Because you’re a billionaire who can help bankroll some film - like, for instance, you had a film called ‘The Cove’.
Jeff: ‘The Cove’ was a documentary about dolphin hunting in Japan. And it turns out that there’s a big industry of capturing dolphins, selling them to Sea World and then selling the rest for meat. Which is not a good idea because dolphins are at the top of the food chain and full of mercury.
So we did a film called, ‘The Cove’ and it got so much attention, so many petitions, that the media camped out in Taijii, Japan where they were doing the fishing and the fishing boats didn’t go out. So for the first time we stopped dolphin hunting in Japan.

Jeff: People are basically good, and if you give good people information about things in the world, then they will take action.

Stephen: You did the film ‘Contagion’. Are there times when you say, I’m a billionaire, I’d like to see what Gwyneth Paltrow looks like dead.
Jeff: ‘Contagion’ was our answer to the Swine Flu, which everyone had heard was going to be a really terrible pandemic. And it turned out that it was bad, but it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. And all of our experts say we’re overdue for a real pandemic. And we said, “Well, let’s show what a real pandemic looks like so that when something like this happens, we are not under-prepared. And at the time there was a big push, especially by the Tea Party folks, to cut funding to the CDC (Center for Disease Control). We had screenings of ‘Contagion’ on the Hill and after seeing the screenings, the Tea Party withdrew their objections and the CDC got its funding.

Sign Off - People’s Choice Award

• Now folks, before we go just a quick program gloat, I won something!

“[Kat Dennings] Stephen Colbert is the People’s Choice for Favourite Late Night Talk Show Host! [Beth Behr] Congratulations Stephen!”

• Thanks Tina and Amy! That’s right, I am the People’s Choice for Favourite Late Night Host and as a people myself I couldn’t choose me more. Of course I wasn’t there to accept my People’s Choice Award so I do not have the coveted crystal vagina yet. But I have the next best thing! This high school anatomical model of a uterus.

• And folks I want to thank all the hard working Twitter bots that out voted Jimmy Fallon’s Twitter bots. I’m sorry Kimmy, I guess that’s why they’re cancelling your show in February. But I’m sure you’ll find something by March.

• And finally folks, because you chose me, I wanna thank all the people out there. And I mean all of them. Starting with, Aaron A. Aardvark. Thank you! Aaron A. Aardvark Jr. You are the best! Aaron A. Aardvarkenberg. Could not have done it without you!

… Meanwhile on ‘Late Night with Jimmy Fallon’:

Jimmy: I got into trouble on Twitter last night. Last night was the People’s Choice Awards. I was watching the new “Real World”. I didn’t know it was on. I figured I’d just check my Twitter. I check it, and there’s all these people that follow me saying “Congratulations, you won a People’s Choice Award for Best Late Night Host.” So I just send a Tweet and go, “To everyone at the People’s Choice Awards, thank you so much for this award.” About an hour passes, I just check my Twitter, and everyone’s like , “You didn’t win the award … Stephen Colbert won the People’s Choice Award.”