January 6, 2014 - Kenneth Roth

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The Colbert Report episode guide EPISODE NUMBER: 10041 (January 6, 2014)
GUEST: Kenneth Roth
SEGMENTS: Intro - 1/6/14 | Polar Vortex | Tip/Wag - FDA, Toy Manufacturers & Logo Party | Recreational Pot Sales in Colorado | Sign Off - Polar Vortex
SUIT REPORT: Dark Pin Stripped Suit | Light Blue Shirt | Purple Patterned Tie | Red Snow Jacket | Black Gloves
VIDEOS: Monday, January 6, 2014

It was great to see Stephen again, looking so well in his adorable super-heavy winter parka. His take on the winter blizzard misery (heretofore referred as “blizzery”) was one of the few things that have warmed my heart these past few frigid days. He even wore a fan-girl pleasing purple tie, so that was appreciated. I assumed coming back from break we would have some pretaped segments, kind of a slow pace, but no! We got a Tip/Wag making fun of a board game designed to test your knowledge of corporate marketing strategies, and a good treatise on Colorado’s forays into legal marijuana.

What did you think of the episode? Sound off in the comments.

Intro

The Colbert Report Cold Open

“Tonight! Hang on, hang on.” (scrapes away frost)

Stephen Colbert pooring salt

“Then!” (pours salt)

Stephen Colbert and a Wolf

(a wolf appears for some reason)

Polar Vortex

  • It was so cold on New Years Eve that the ball went back up.
  • We’re being hit by a polar vortex and thunder snow. Quite frankly I’m not sure if they’re weather patterns or finishing moves from Mortal Combat.
  • As a newsman, I wanna salute whoever came up with the term ‘Polar Vortex’. It’s terrifying, but still sounds all sciencey. A lesser meteorologist could’ve overreached with ‘Arctic Coldnado’ or ‘Alaskan Dick Punch’, but ‘Polar Vortex’ is restrained, but menacing. Bravo!

Tip/Wag - FDA, Toy Manufacturers & Logo Party

Stephen Colbert T-Dubs

Stephen is still working on some hip hand slang for the “T-Dubs.”

  • These FDA-holes are coming after our food animals (as if there are any other kind), so I am giving a Wag of my Finger to the FDA. First of all, antibiotics are the only nutrition left in our meat. That, and the blue dye in the FDA stamp. My doctor says I am not getting enough Stamp.
  • That’s how it works, folks. If you want to gain weight quickly, take antibiotics. If you want to lose weight quickly, you eat unregulated beef.
Baby iPad accessories

“I wish we had the Activity Baby Seat when I had my first child. I had to settle for plopping her in front of the microwave. My daughter’s favorite show was ‘Swanson’s Salisbury Steak for 10 Minutes on Defrost.’ It has a surprise ending, about an hour later. “

Stephen Colbert on iPads

“See, nothing is going to hurt your precious darling. “

  • What a great tool for training the kids, they’ll forever associate the iPad with pooping. Just avoid bringing them into an Apple store.
  • Remember the family that plays together, stays together, because a single game of Risk can last decades.
Stephen Colbert speaking Spanish

“Think of all the Spanish words I learned from playing Uno. How many? I learned, ‘One-o.'”

  • It’s just like Charades, instead of acting out movies or TV shows, you’re paying money to memorize corporate marketing.
  • Folks, it used to be so hard to find advertisement. You had to sit through boring TV shows, or load an internet video, or be somewhere in America. But with “Logo Party” imagine the fun you’ll have guessing if that’s the “G” logo from Gucci or the “C” logo from Chanel, and then feeling bad about yourself because you can’t afford either one.
  • [The game forces] everybody to enact all the brands in Logo Party simultaneously, creating a corporate synergy black hole that sucks in your entire family, until someone realizes the black hole looks just like the logo from Oakley sunglasses. You win! We’ll be right back, after these logos.

Recreational Pot Sales in Colorado

  • A million dollars of pot in one day, also known as a Full Nelson [shows Willie Nelson’s photo] Nation, this news nauseates me so much that I might qualify for medical marijuana.
  • America’s moral core is being gutted, and the rest of our moral Apple is being used as a bong.
  • How dare Coloradans spend January 1st ruining their bodies with weed, when they should be at home vomiting all the booze from New Year’s eve, like God intended. We have some vomit fans here tonight.
  • Yes, David Brooks got high, which led to “inhibited frolic.” Sometimes it bordered on unstructured merriment, even unfettered jocularity.
  • So let that be a lesson to you, kids: you keep smoking weed, you keep laughing with your friends, you’ll never grow up to be David Brooks.
  • Kids don’t need a legal mind altering substance, it’ll screw with their Adderall.

I applaud Marcus and Brooks for taking a bold stance against legalizing the pot they smoked. I assume they are going to turn themselves into the police now and serve their time. Hopefully that will keep them from ever smoking again, because they might get high and write something really confusing.

Interview - Kenneth Roth

Stephen: How do you shame dictators, they’re shameless people?
Kenneth Roth: Nobody likes to have their human rights abuses known. Sadam Hussein tried to hide his genocide against the Kurds.
Stephen: I don’t tell anybody about my interns.
Roth: I’ll get a researcher here tomorrow. But if you get the press to shine a spotlight on them, they hate that. And at first they’ll try to discredit us … but ultimately they realize they can’t change the bad press until they change the bad conduct.

Stephen: I want to get in on the ground floor on the next moral righteousness out there. Because I don’t want to be on the wrong side of apartheid, again. […] Who’s my new Mandela to get on-board with?
Roth: I think the most obvious one is a Chinese by the name of Liu Xiaobo.
Stephen: […] China, this one’s going to cost me. In China we can’t do anything. [..] We can’t boycott everything made. So what leverage could we have against Liu Xiaobo?
Roth: The Chinese are so worried about what he stands for […] that they locked him up for 11 years.
Stephen:What’s he in jail for?
Roth: For so-called “inciting state subversion.”
Stephen: Did he incite state subversion?
Roth: If you call promoting democracy, freedom (nods)

Roth: I think the Drug War [in America] is a great idea if you want to raise the price of drugs so that you are fueling the drug cartels, if you want to imprison large numbers of African American males for nonviolent offenses, if you want to invade people’s privacy around the world or around the United States. It’s great to pursue the Drug War.
Stephen: Okay, well thank you very much.

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