May 8, 2013 - Dr. Richard Besser

How do you self energy-efficient light bulbs to Conservatives? Try putting a trigger on it.

Mark Sanford beat my sister, and I believe that means Mark Sanford is now my sister. And on behalf of my family, I want to say we are deeply sorry about him.

I feel so betrayed by South Carolina!If they’re gonna turn their backs on my family, I’m turning my back on them. From now on - and I never thought I would ever say this - I … am from North Carolina. I’m a Tar Heel now. Whatever the f*** that means.

I know officially love North Carolina’s sauce less, vinegar based, meat product that they barbeque.

Did she hold to o few debates against a cardboard Nancy Pelosi?

And could it be, that I have lied about candidates I disagree with? Like that time I said that Harry Reid is just a leather saddle bag brought to life by a Navaho Shaman.

The House spent all last week debating whether they were deadlocked or gridlocked. Until they finally reached a stalemate.

You can’t pass a helium bill by voice vote, it would be embarrassing.

Of course they’re not going to buy it, it’s Liberal light bulb. They’ll want to screw it in before they’re married to it.

I may be a man, but I will buy a box of tampons if the box features a crying Barack Obama. He’s sad because all the hormones in the water supply now make me menstruate.

Integrity.

Maybe it’s time everybody out there stops basing every decision you make on party affiliation and instead admit that every once in a while you might agree with the other side.

The liberal gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian.

Nothing makes you feel more in touch with your babies intimate most functions, than scrapping it out of your shoes.

Also letting your baby drop some heat in the sink, is a great way to get the lady’s room to yourself at Barnes & Noble.

Are you telling me Fred Flintstones is lying to me? Yabba-dabba-wha?

Goodnight