February 28, 2013 — Jon Favreau
EPISODE NUMBER: 9069 (February 28, 2013)
GUEST: Jon Favreau
SEGMENTS: Colbert Report Consumer Alert - Demonic Goodwill Items | Pope TBD and Souvenir Sales | Budget Sequestration | Sign Off - Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Grey Suit | White Shirt | Silky Red Tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, February 28, 2013
In this show, Stephen talks about Pat Robertson’s crazy ideas again, the Pope’s resignation and blowout sale, the Sequester, and talks to Jon Favreau, speechwriter for President Obama.
Intro - 2/28/13
“’Girls Gone Wild’ has filed for bankruptcy. Maybe some of those girls should’ve gone business school. This is the Colbert Report.”
It’s always nice to catch Stephen smiling.
Colbert Report Consumer Alert - Demonic Goodwill Items
The ol’ switcheroo, the ol’ misdirection. Stephen starts talking about a major news story, or so you think. Then he reveals he’s actually talking about a much less visible minor news story instead. In this case, the major news story was the Pope resigning and the minor one was Pat Robertson. He thinks demons live on clothing.
My question is, why is it only used clothing? Demons can’t attach themselves to clothing at Wal-mart? Or Macy’s? Do our malls have some sort of demon-repelling technology that Goodwill doesn’t?
Pat says in all seriousness, “Can demons attach themselves to inanimate objects, yes.” Then as he says, “Not every sweater you get from Goodwill has demons” he laughs as if to say, How silly! Just a few of the clothes you buy there have demons, I mean, DUH!
“Yes, not every sweater you get at Goodwill has demons on it. Just the V-necks”
Oh Stephen. Can’t resist a peek:
So Stephen issues a Stephen Colbert Consumer Alert. (A-lair)
He has gotten some clothes that have demon banishing instructions. They’re conveniently printed on the white tags that are found on each item of clothing.
“To cast out Lucifer, and all of his minions, always wash in cold. Tumble dry low, very important. Heat just sets the demon in”
“So go forth and purge your garments America…”
I did my best, to get this right, but I had no captions so it’s completely guessing: “In nomine laundre, et Woolite, snuggle bear santé”
Pope TBD and Souvenir Sales
“As of 8 p.m. central Vatican time, we’re officially popeless. We have been disen-popenated. We have undergone a pope-endectomy. Pope goes the weasel.”
The Pope is stepping down and bets are being waged about who the next Pope will be. I’m not willing to bet it’s going to be an American.
“You know kids want the most up to date ecclesiastical merchandise — like Popemon. Gotta bless ’em all.”
So the Pope has stepped down officially. Apparently, Christians don’t have the same hangup that Muslims have when it comes to marketing the holy people in their religion. It would appear by the amount of merchandise with the Former Pope’s image and name, that is flying off the shelves, that the Vatican has lost it’s lease and everything must go!
“That’s right. If you act now, you’ll get Benedict the sixteenth merchandise at Benedict the fourteenth prices.”
MUGS! Get your mugs!
Hey, Jesus is behind it so it’s okay:
Budget Sequestration
“The horrific scenario awaiting us is sequestration. We all know what that means……What does that mean?”
Basically it means Congress sucks. The President hasn’t been able to reach a deal with Congress and therefore the sequester has officially kicked in.
“Obama is trying to convince us that the sequester is a terrible problem, when in fact it’s a terrible solution.”
The sequester threat was supposed to get Congress to work together to come up with a solution to the budget problem but why should they care when they are not suffering any of the cuts that everyone else is going to have to suffer.
Stephen compared that to making bets with a bookie who is threatening to break your neighbor’s legs if you don’t pay.
He suggests that in order to get the Congress to work together they have a monkey that overhangs the Congressional floor. If they don’t reach a deal the doors of the Congress floor are locked and the monkey is let loose. I think we may need more than one monkey.
Interview - Jon Favreau
So the Pope is not the only one stepping down. No! Obama’s head speechwriter has officially stepped down. Jon Favreau comes on to talk about his years working for the POTUS and how great everyone was.
Stephen: How old are you?
Jon: I’m 31.
Stephen: So you were 23 when you started to work for him, and your previous job before this was? Please use the words ‘fry station’.
Interesting to know that Obama wrote the 2004 speech himself. I wish the President, any president, would write his own speeches, but okay fine. Stephen touched on that idea a little when he talked about a speech from Obama that, when he heard it, he felt he was hearing the President speak. He asked Jon if he was hearing the speechwriter speak instead. Jon said it was mostly Obama.
I’d rather hear the President’s own words. However, it was interesting to hear how it all gets done. At least the president does put his own input into it.
Jon: Everyone who works there was great to work with.
Stephen: Every place everyone works is fantastic, ‘cause you’re free now, you’re done, right?
Jon: I’ve got one more day.
Stephen: Oh s*** I booked you 24 hours too early. It’s time to dish.
Goodnight!