February 25, 2013 — Simon Garfield

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The Colbert Report episode guideEPISODE NUMBER: 9066 (February 25, 2013)
GUESTS: Simon Garfield
SEGMENTS: Academy Awards | The Word - Silent but Deadly | Popewatch 2013 - Vatican Sex Parties | Sign Off - Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Black suit | White Shirt | Red/Purple Striped Tie
VIDEOS: Monday, February 25, 2013

Stephen’s disdain for the Academy Awards, a great Word on gun control (and our lack of need to educate ourselves about it), and a segment about yet another sex scandal in the Church made this a great ep. Comment strong - we have lots more goodies (Salsa Dog!) after the jump.

Intro

  • Tonight! A new scandal rocks the Vatican - the holy water contained traces of horse meat!
  • Then, a new way to reduce the number of guns. Step one, get a gun!
  • And, my guest Simon Garfield has a new book about maps changing our view of the world. Well, Apple Maps certainly took me to places I never imagined.
  • Cuban President Raul Castro says he’ll retire in 5 years. Don’t believe him, Conan!

Academy Awards

Anne Hathaway, nooooo! Girl, if I want to see an Oscar nominee in a pair of rock hard nipples, I’d watch Hugh Jackman work out with Scott Pelley.

  • [On Argo’s oscar win] Big surprise! Hollywood honors the film where Hollywood’s the hero.

“And to have the First Lady announce [the winner for Best Picture], that’s just Big Government out of control! What, now the private sector can’t broadcast it’s self-congratulatory stroke fest without federal intervention? What’s next, regulatory limits on how much Joaquin Phoenix can eat during the ceremony? A safety ramp for Jennifer Lawrence?”

  • This is just the beginning: this summer, the next Fast & Furious movie will be just be Harry Reid driving the speed limit. (Editor’s note: Look for Slow & Measured in movie theaters in summer 2013!)

It’s been 2 months since the tragedy in Sandy Hook, but the media won’t let this story go. Meanwhile, other news gets completely ignored. Where’s the in depth report on the Salsa Dog?

  • Salsa Dog. Could it happen in your town?

The Word - Silent but Deadly

  • This isn’t the first time our Second Amendment rights have been threatened by facts.
  • According to the [CDC study] not only were guns ineffective in home protection, but (citing study) “people who kept guns in their homes appear to be at greater risk of homicide than those who do not.” Well sure with a gun in the house, my family is less safe, but isn’t that a small price to pay for my family’s safety?[Catch .22 Caliber]
  • The NRA made the government stop studying the effect of guns. And in the 17 years since, we’ve remained perfectly safe, as far as we know. [Ignorance is BLAM!]
  • Unfortunately, years of hard not-work may soon be undone, because with a stroke of a pen, Obama (citing article) just directed “the CDC to resume scientific study” on gun violence, saying he just wants to protect people from guns. [Drones on the other hand…]
  • Once again, we’re facing our old enemy from the nineties. [Newman!] Folks, we are facing the threat of information.
  • Remember kids, guns are like gum, you have to bring enough for the entire class. [Safer than bringing peanut butter.]
  • C’mon Bendigo Shafter? Is that even a book? It sounds like a native american porn star! [Star of “poke-her-haunches.]
  • But even if Barton did borrow the story, there’s nothing wrong with taking a story from a book and saying it’s real. [Works for religion.]
  • To counter all the negative stories about guns out there, we have got to follow Wayne and David’s lead and make up postiive stories about guns. {“Prop-a-gun-da.”]

“Join me in standing up against any actual knowledge about guns. Let the CDC know, they can take our ignorance when they pry it from our cold, dead minds.”

Popewatch 2013 - Vatican Sex Parties

  • But folks, I don’t believe that’s Vatican footage, there are women in there.
  • Unless “bound in red leather” was also one the acts [the dossier] described.
  • Either the report has very damning evidence, or the Pope didn’t want to read 300 pages.

Okay, these stories are completely false…is one of three options the Church is offering.

  • Now look folks, I am not going to sugar coat, I can’t, it’s Lent. My Church has had some problems. Yes, money was molested. Yes, children were laundered. But that’ all in the past now. Today is a new day in the Catholic Church. Sex scandals are behind us! (resigns himself and pulls out the “days without scandal” prop) One of these days we are going to use that second digit.

Interview - Simon Garfield

Simon Garfield: Tolkien said, “Not all who wander are lost.” And that’s kind of the great thing about old maps. I love the idea that we can discover new places through error.

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