February 20, 2013 — David Goldhill

Yes, someone in Europe is trying to slip you their tainted meat. And for once it’s not Silvio Berlusconi … He has been known to yank his meat right of the shelf.

Now this is a complex story folks, so let me back up and explain how this horse scandal went down. *bell rings* Annnnnd there off!! First, horse meat was discovered in a British supermarket, but Britain rounded the bend, and laid the blame on an Irish supplier, who said they got it from Poland, Poland denies it annnnd here’s France coming up strong with their own horse meat scandal, selling horse meat to England and Sweden, but France falls behind and lays the blame on Cyprus. Cyprus now in the lead with the blame, but what’s this, what’s this, out of nowhere on the last leg Cyprus says they got they meat from a Dutch company, who said they got it from, who’s that, who’s that it’s Romania. ROMANIA TAKES THE BLAME!!

Frankly I don’t see why we feel guilty when we eat horse. We’re quite happy to consume the rest of Noah’s Ark.

There is nothing wrong with eating horse burgers. Fast food should be made of fast animals. Oh, oh, I could go for a double ‘Cheetah Melt’.

Oh really Sir! Well football doesn’t want your imaginary son, cause he throws like an imaginary girl.

Now folks, I’m no fan, but soccer is Europe’s favourite sport … right behind competitive three-ways. Incredible ball handling.

Which goes to show, no one man can be more corrupt, than soccer can be boring.

Oooooooh!! What!! No one’s going to call that!?!

Everyone in the TV business knows the best way to create a hit show, is not to create one. Instead, important a hit show from oversees. NBC’s ‘The Office’ came from Britain’s ‘The Office’, and ‘Homeland’ came from the Israeli show ‘Hatufim’. And Chris Matthews ‘Hardball’ was adapted from the Irish children’s program ‘The Very Angry Potato’.

Well folks, I’ve got my eye on a wildly popular program from Norway called, ‘National Firewood Night’ … ‘which consisted mostly of people in parkas chatting and chopping in the woods and then eight hours of a fire burning in a fire place’. It destroyed the other top Norwegian shows like, ‘So You Think You Can Watch Paint Dry’ and ‘The Amazing Glacier Race’.

I actually used to have a fire place before it got shut down by Big Brother Fire Marshal, just because it had no “chimney”, and the carbon monoxide was “killing” my audience.

And then there you are with all this wood … and … yet no warmth. It burns.

And it burns.

And then it’s gone. Ashes in the wind …… *whispers* I miss you. I miss you when I am with you.

And into the fire you go.

Why are you trying to fix sick people? Aren’t sick people home from work your core audience?