February 12, 2013 — Roger Hodge

EPISODE NUMBER: 9060 (February 12, 2013)
GUEST: Roger Hodge
SEGMENTS: Intro - 2/12/13 | RNC Autopsy | Conservative Victory Project | Arizona’s Gun Posse | Roger Hodge | Sign Off - Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Smoky Grey Pinstripe Suit | Powder Blue Shirt | Blue/Red/White Stripped Tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Intro - 2/12/13

“Tonight! A rift in the GOP. Some deny Global Warming while others deny Climate Change.
Then Hollywood takes on gun safety, and yet they ignore how many younglings are cut down by light sabers.
Then my guest Roger Hodge is editor of the Oxford American magazine, which has been called The New Yorker of the South. The dogs in their cartoons don’t go to psychiatrists, they go to shooting ranges.
Ted Nugent will attend the State of the Union address tonight, or as deer call it, the greatest night of their lives.
This is the Colbert Report.”

Tonight’s audience was super enthusiastic. I could barely hear the guest intro because of all the cheering.

RNC Autopsy

Barack Obama made his State of the Union address, acting all presidential and stuff. Where does he get off, man?

“OH LOOK AT ME, I’M THE PRESIDENT”

The Republicans are at war with themselves and doing autopsies on each other. Or something like that. They are trying to figure out what went wrong with the election.

“2012 was supposed to be the GOP’s year. With the economy in shambles, they thought the race was theirs to lose…and they were right.”

“They lost seats in the Senate, they lost the popular vote in the House and they briefly lost Paul Ryan in the Mall. He was supposed to hold on to his mother’s hand. They found him busting a Union at the Build-a-Bear workshop.”

They went to a retreat to do some self reflecting.

Just what a bunch of old white guys who follow Ayn Rand, should do. Self-reflect.

“To plot their path back to power, the GOP recently held a three-day conference in Williamsburg, Virginia — which I think is the perfect location, because the Republican platform also re-enacts the 18th century.”

“RNC Chair Reince Priebus — fun fact, his name is an anagram for ‘Penis Rice-A-Roni.'”
They also came up with a web survey to get feedback on how to change their image.

“A computerized web survey is the perfect way to hear from the Republicans’ core constituency of the extremely old. The number one suggestion was, “Hello? Hello? How does this thing make toast?”

So what they came up with is that they just need to smile more.

Conservative Victory Project

Karl Rove has started a Super PAC that is aiming to actually get its’ candidates elected this time. They want to elect Republicans. I guess he doesn’t really care who they are, as long as they are Republicans. So Tea Party be damned!!

“Karl and I have had some good times together. Like when we buried that hooker”

Stephen runs through a list of all the Republican candidates that lost in the last election, including one whose name Stephen has forgotten:

“Can the Tea party win by giving voters more of what they don’t want? No, unless they smile when they say it”.

Arizona’s Gun Posse

ARE YOU BLEEPIN’ SERIOUS? STEVEN SEAGAL??

Why don’t they film it all for a reality show? Yeah, that sounds logical. Steven Seagal has been tapped to train those volunteer armed posses in AZ. You know those ones that the crooked sheriff implemented?

One congressman suggested the idea is ludicrous and said “Why don’t we get Clint Eastwood, Chuck Norris and Bruce Willis to come train them too?”

“Oh, c’mon. That is stupid. You can’t have those guys, they still get work.”

Oh, but don’t worry. Seagal has put “millions of hours” into his own weapons training. That’s right.

“Technically a million hours is 115 years, which sounds crazy. But so is getting Steven Seagal to train your posse”.

And he spells his name with a V. But seriously, don’t worry. Because these armed posse volunteers must know how to stop criminals. Takes one to know one, right? They all seem to have rap sheets a mile long, including sex crimes against children.

“Wow…It takes real dedication to guard a school, that you’re not allowed within 500 feet of.”

Interview - Roger Hodge

He comes on to promote the Oxford American, which is considered “The New Yorker” of the South. Some trash talkin’ about the South, BBQ and Mardi Gras. That was enjoyable to see them in a pissin’ contest about Texas vs. The South.

They talk about, well, what else would two guys from the South talk about? Beef, of course. Oh and there may or may not be some indecent exposure toward the very end of the interview.

Stephen: I’m from Charleston, South Carolina.
Roger: That’s kinda north from where we sit.

(Professional wrestling audience: OOOoooooooohhhh.)

“Sir…Sir, all roads lead north from Charleston”

Stephen: Ask someone from Texas, they’ll say ‘I’m from Texas’ they’re not going to say ‘I’m from the South’.
Roger: Yes, it’s true, it’s true.
Stephen: Okay, I accept your apology.