February 6, 2013 — Lawrence Wright
EPISODE NUMBER: 9057 (February 6, 2013)
GUESTS: Lawrence Wright
SEGMENTS: Intro - 2/6/13 | The Penny Pinch | Stephen’s Sister for Congress | Scientology Church Violence | Lawrence Wright | Sign Off - Watermelon Warning
SUIT REPORT: Gray Suit | Blue Shirt | Periwinkle Striped Tie
VIDEOS: Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Holy cow! My sister is running for Congress!
Intro - 2/6/13
“Home Depot is going to hire 80,000 new workers for the spring. You know where they can find some cheap labor? In their parking lot. This is The Colbert Report.”
‘Twas a very enthusiastic crowd:
“Ladies and Gentleman, I’m not going to sit here and fight your praise of me. You’re right”
The Penny Pinch
Up in Canada, eh, they are getting rid of their penny and Stephen wonders how long it will be before America gets rid of our penny.
“But without the Canadian penny, what will Americans occasionally get mixed up with our change?”
So will the U.S. follow suit? “Will this be the end of the Lincoln penny, or the new Daniel Day Lewis penny? So convincing.”
There’s a group that is trying to save the penny. ‘Americans for Common Cents’ is lobbying to keep the penny going. They are saying that 2/3 of Americans want to see the penny saved. That seems like a large number. However, the survey can be trusted because it’s from Coinstar. Right.
The penny lobby is run by the Zinc Industry. I’m sure they can be totally trusted as well.
“It turns out pennies are mostly zinc. That’s why whenever I feel a cold coming on, I shove a couple up my nose. Here I’ll show you”
Penny goes in, gumball comes out:
Stephen wants to save the penny. “So stand by the noble penny America. A symbol of freedom, hope and something you find when you move your stove.”
Stephen’s Sister for Congress
Yes! It’s true. We here at the hub were waiting with baited breath for him to mention it and he did it in a great way. He didn’t give one second of free air time by mentioning that “Lulu” is intelligent, hard-working, compassionate and dedicated to the people of Charleston, S.C.
She is running as a democrat and that is disappointing to Stephen. He prefers “actual candidate and former Governor of the Appalachian trail” Mark Sanford, a family values guy who is really steady. Perhaps I should write it as “steady”.
He then gave advice to other candidates for winning a debate with his big sister. When she makes a good argument, repeat it back to her in a dumb voice:
“Stop copying me Stephen, I’m telling mom!”
Lulu has a standing invitation to come on the Better Know a District segment. She had better because if she doesn’t, Stephen will reveal things from her middle school diary.
Scientology Church Violence
<sarcasm>NO! The church of Scientology? Violent? NO! </sarcasm>
Stephen thinks that Scientology is a respectable believable religion because they can afford an ad during the Superbowl.
“What do Scientologists believe? That we’re all extraterrestrial beings called Thetans, trapped in an earth body, after galactic leader Xenu brought the Thetans here, stacked them up around volcanoes and then blew them up with hydrogen bombs. I’m sorry Jimmy is that correct what’s in my prompter? That is a bit of a stretch.”
I love what he then said about Catholics being just as odd as Scientology. Made me smile.
The leader of Scientology has been accused of violence against members of the church. When asked to comment he sent a note to the show:
“Thankfully it doesn’t say me, or I’d be terrified”
“When elite members of the group join the Sea Org, they’re asked to sign a billion year contract. I believe after the first billion years, it then goes month to month. Either way it is still more flexible than AT&T.”
“So what is Scientology? A respectable modern religion like Mormonism? Or a weird creepy cult like Mormonism two years ago?”
Interview - Lawrence Wright
He wrote a book called “Going Clear: Scientology, Hollywood, and the Prison of Belief.”
Stephen starts talking in Scientology-ish. I have no idea what he said and neither does he, but Mr. Wright seemed to get it.
Stephen: Is all belief a prison or is Scientology a prison?
Mr Wright responds by laying out what goes on in the sea org, abuses, stories about people who were liberated. They didn’t want to leave, they thought they were fine.
Lawrence: They’re not being held against their will, it’s their will that’s holding them there and that’s the prison of belief.
Again, Stephen compares the Church to the Catholic church by somehow skating around the abuses in both churches. “If the Catholic church had abused 12 people, I’d be out of there.”
Stephen: How did (Hubbard) get out of paying taxes?
Lawrence: Well, he died.
I saw an expose awhile back about Scientology and how it tears families apart. Sure, some religions have their flaws as Stephen points out, but this is definitely a dangerous cult. They don’t get paid hardly anything, they are told what to do and how to live. They work endless hours for pennies, which as we know may be going away soon.
Lawrence: They get paid $50 a week
Stephen: more than I pay my interns. I should start a cult. Or for legal reasons, a religion.