April 30, 2012 — Diane Keaton
EPISODE NUMBER: 8094 (April 30, 2012)
GUESTS: Diane Keaton
SEGMENTS: Intro | Chen Guangcheng’s Badass Escape | The Word - Don’t Ask, Don’t Show & Tell | Concealing Weapons in Style | Sign Off - Stephen’s Fashionable Firearm
SUIT REPORT: Light Gray Striped Suit, with duplicate made for “Sweetness” | White Shirt | Red Patterned Tie
VIDEOS: Monday, April 30, 2012
In case you were left wondering why Stephen seemed so excited and moved at the top of the show, we know why; Roger, who was at the taping, explains in the comments below that someone proposed in the audience (thankfully, not to Stephen.) Who needs eHarmony? Take your date to a TCR taping, and if she laughs at all the jokes, you know she is an it-getter. Mate found! No need to fill out complicated surveys.
Congrats to the lucky couple! Now every time you see The Colbert Report, you will have fond memories. Stephen as aphrodisiac? Who knew. Oh, wait, yes we did know that, I suppose.
Diane Keaton was amazing; what a delightful, hilarious, quasi-trainwreck interview. She just wasn’t going to behave, no matter how much Stephen quietly insisted she say something substantive. It would have been nice to hear her say anything pertaining to the book, but I think it was a rare interview where the guest didn’t play by the TCR rules but everything still felt light and fun and totally fine. But apparently a lot of you think she was on something - I don’t think so, that’s just her shtick. See: Annie Hall as Exhibit A.
It’s kind of sad how our nation, the shining city on a hill, global champion of human rights ™ , is turning its face from the blind China dissident, Chen Guangcheng. But dude, you can totally crash at Canada’s house, no prob. In addition to celebrating this most recent wonderful international diplomatic wrinkle development, the episode featured an ostensibly non-gay Word, and Sweetness bedecked in a fetching, Stephen-matching ensemble. I never thought a deadly weapon could be so adorable.
What did you think of the episode? Feel free to leave your thoughts, albeit respectfully. Thank you new commenters! Take note of our community’s commenting policy.
Check out below for the highlights of this great episode.
Intro
Tonight! How much should we be telling our kids about sexuality. That’s enough.
Then, a new convenience for gun owners. I hope you’ll stop shooting long enough to hear about it.
And my guest, Diane Keaton is here, la-di-dah, la-di-dah.
The New York Yankees have their own cologne. It’s made from the most expensive ingredients of all the competing colognes.
Chen Guangcheng’s Badass Escape
Apparently, losing your sight doesn’t just make your ears better, it makes your balls bigger.
Of course, this comes at a tense time in our relationship with China, and by “tense,” I mean we owe them money. That’s why we must handle this delicately, and by delicately I mean so much money.
But you know what, Eric? International debt be damned. America’s largest trading partner is just going to have to deal. We are a shining beacon of freedom, we got to show the world we stand up for our principles, if we don’t stand up to this, we stand for nothing. So we must find the courage to say to this brave man:
Hey, Eric! You made it, that is awesome man. I guess you heard us declaring our commitment to human rights, we must have declared that pretty loud, huh? Here’s the thing, ordinarily we’d be so stoked about you crashing with us, but this isn’t the best time. 20 years ago, middle of the Cold War, obviously, you see it’s just that now we got a lot going on, you know, a bunch of us are unemployed so we’re at home a lot, so I just think we’d be on top of each other, plus, we’ve got kids now, and they’re the ones that have to pay the Chinese back. Beside, you sooo made your point, buddy, talkin’ about you and your whole issue thing, and you’re all like “I can leave China anytime I want” point taken, one to grow on. Hey, you know who’s into human rights… Canada. Fantastic country, Vancouver is full of Chinese people, yeah. I mean, you can’t swing a cat up there without someone wanting to make a stew out of it. But if you have to, mi casa es su casa. Speaking of which, have you thought about Mexico. That country is also…not China. Of course if you absolutely want to come here we will of course welcome you with open arms, thanks for watching. Please turn off the TV, people watching in the American embassy. Great.
The Word - Don’t Ask, Don’t Show & Tell
Yes, you will not be able to discuss sexuality in school systems in Missouri. [The Don’t Show Me State.]
Homosexuality can be very distracting. Say you’re in math class and the teacher says, “what’s 5 and 7?” Your answer: “gay!” Because everyone knows 5 and 7 are kind of odd numbers. [Binomial-Curious.]
I’m not saying they’re necessarily gay, they could be lesbians. [After all, 7 8 9.]
When I did Sondheim with Neil Patrick Harris, he could have not been more friendly or professional, and I will not forgive him for it. [Or for “The Smurfs.”]
So to remind myself gays that I do not trust them, I have to find homosexuals I don’t like. I just hope they respond to my Craiglist ad, “Looking for bad gay man to teach me a lesson.”
Cause think about it, folks, where does the tolerance end? [Kirk Cameron’s House?]
Thank you, sir, for cutting through the politically correct spin of the homosexual agenda. When we say the word “gay,” we are really talking about Billy entering into a long-term committed relationship with a farm animal! And, that’s crazy? May I remind you, Old MacDonald had a goat. [E I E I-OOOOOOOH]
In English, we got to stop teaching any words that even sort of seem gay, like “ambiance” and “periwinkle.” [“Dangling Participle.”]
Folks, will this make Missouri different from other states? Sure. Will other states tease them for this peculiar desire? Yes. But to protect their children from thinking that gay is normal, Missouri’s gonna have to do some freaky stuff.
Concealing Weapons in Style
Finally, the hand gun meets the Tim Gunn. Make it work, or else.
That’s why everyday, my gun Sweetness and I wear matching outfits.
What’s that, what’s that, baby? No, no, it does not make your butt look fat, there is just more of you to squeeze.
The best part is, no one will if it’s a gun in your pocket, unless you’re unhappy to see them.
Just don’t get the pockets confused, or you could try to stop a criminal with half a granola bar and a home depot receipt.
These pants have a comfort waist, which allow you to waste people in comfort.
…it’s been really uncomfortable jogging with a hand gun duct-taped to my taint. I do not wish to discuss where I keep the banana clip.
At last, we could stop being scared of people wearing hoodies, and start being scared of people wearing buttons downs and khakis.
So, remember if you see anyone wearing clothes, be ready to draw down on them. Because if you are wearing clothes, they are going to be ready to draw down on you. And finally, we all be safe, as long as nobody makes any sudden moves.
Interview
Diane Keaton: I don’t care how I treat you, and I don’t want to see your butt-naked ass.
SC: I never offered! You misinterpreted that hug backstage.
DK: That was tricky. It was a little too tight.
SC: My butt was too tight.
DK: And I am bringing you up on charges as well.
SC:You are?
DK: Yes, I am.
***
DK:Can we talk about my book now?
SC: You were the one who started in on my butt.
It’s wonderful that it’s coming out in paperback it will make it so much easier to pulp.
In this book you do talk about your Mom a lot.
DK: Do I have to get serious now, because I did love my mother.
SC: That’s brave of you to admit that you loved your mother, it takes real courage to admit that.
DK: You hurt my feelings, I am going to cry.
SC: I’ll make news. “Colbert Sexually Accosts Keaton: Tears! Film at 11.”
SC: Did your mother want you to be an actress?
DK:Now you know why I wouldn’t vote for you.
SC: Because?
DK:Because you are a sexual pervert.
SC: How do you know what I was imagining you were doing, maybe it was missionary, lights on, and a handshake at the end, maybe it was totally unperverted. Maybe it was Mormon in its sanctity.
DK:Don’t go there.
DK: Actually I did want to say one thing. This is the paperback version of Then Again, which will be coming in paperback in stores tomorrow.
"We are definitely going to hit that, we'll put a big picture and everything, and I am going to shill for it super-hard at the end of the interview, but before I will encourage my viewers to buy the book you have to say one f**king thing about it. So you want to read the Library of Congress number or something? "
Sign Off -Stephen’s Fashionable Firearm