April 25, 2012 — Michael Sandel

EPISODE NUMBER: 8092 (April 25, 2012)
GUESTS: Michael Sandel
SEGMENTS: Intro | NASA’s Social Networking Site “Spacebook” | The Word — United We Can’t Stand Them | Cheating Death - Crash Diet Feeding Tubes & Scrotal Gel Injections | Sign Off
SUIT REPORT: Black Suit | White Shirt | Yellow, patterned tie
VIDEOS: Wednesday, April 25, 2012

We got a Word and a Cheating Death?! My, the comedy gods were good to us last night. I am beginning to wonder if Congress is going to get anything accomplished this election year except for partisan bickering - my magic eight ball says no. Not if we have fantastic groups like “Californians for Population Stabilization” misinforming the electorate and, as, Stephen put it, helping to blame all our country’s problems on immigrants.

Cheating Death addressed some pretty substantive and up-and-coming health trends, both of which seem sketchy. I think the moment a bride-to-be considers using a feeding tube before the big day, it’s time to reconsider the whole body image thing and say, “I’m going to roll with what I got.”

Also nice to see Michael Sandel test the parameters of Stephen’s character’s free market faith. It is not typical that a guest literally challenges the character with qualifying questions and so forth, but it made for an engaging interview, and some interesting revelations.

What did you think of the episode? Don’t worry, when you get tired of thinking, you can get back inside the box too.

Intro

Tonight! Can liberals and conservatives find common ground? Yes, if the conservatives can drill for oil on it.

And my guest, Harvard professor Michael Sandel has written a new book, What Money Can’t Buy. It’s pandas, I’ve tried.

I like to think outside the box. Then, when I am tired of thinking, I get back inside the box.

NASA’s Social Networking Site “Spacebook”

I love space exploration: Venus, Mars, Planet Hollywood. I am all for colonizing mars, if it has really good buffalo wings.

I am pretty much the biggest name going in space. With all due respect to Carl Sagan, f**k you Carl Sagan.

We have lost the spacebook race! This is the worst news in inter-stellar social networking since the downfall of myspacespace.

Yes, Spacebook averaged zero users on the weekends. Some weekends, 3 users logged in, others, -3.

The Word — United We Can’t Stand Them

If there is one thing we can agree on, it is that half of us can’t agree on that. Liberals and conservatives can’t agree on anything. If Fox News says that water is a liquid, the New York Times will do three columns on how hydrogen is a gas and oxygen is openly gay. Neither side wants to move an inch, especially since the lefties are trying to move us to the metric system.

Fortunately, there is a way to bridge the partisan divide, and it’s tonight’s Word.

Folks, if you have spent any time watching MSNBC lately, you should change the batteries in your remote, they are obviously dead. [Committed Suicide During “The Ed Show.”]

Yes, immigrants cause global warming. I never notice the connection before, but it makes sense. It’s always an immigrant cutting my grass with that exhaust-spewing lawn mower. [A Juan Deere]

And their spicy food always increases my emissions. [Cilantro but deadly.]

Liberals, you know you can trust this ad, because the group who ran it “Californians for Population Stabilization,” shares your concerns about the environment, that’s why their website talks about “anchor babies,” the “Mexican reconquista movement to reclaim California,” and “recycling.”

Or, as they call it, “bottle and can deportation.” [Reduce, reuse, revile.]

So any immigrant is immediately one of the worst polluters on the planet. [Who Do They think they are? Us?]

I am sure [John Tanten] is just pressuring the Klan to make their cross-burnings carbon neutral. [Ku Klux Konservation.]

I say why stop with global warming. There are so many issues in which liberals and conservatives can come together to blame immigrants? [The Enemy of My Enemy is Mi Amigo.]

Listen up. Liberals, are you concerned about lax gun laws? Did you know that when immigrants come to America they can waltz into any gun show and buy a firearm with no waiting period or background check? [Even if their background is Czech.]

So, liberals, conservatives, let’s make sure America continues to be a place people strive to come to by kicking out the people who came here.

Because only by finding someone we can blame for the issues that divide us, can Americans ever hope to come together to not address them.

Cheating Death - Crash Diet Feeding Tubes & Scrotal Gel Injections

Nation, the body is 60% water, that’s why to stay healthy every couple of months I choke down a Brita filter. This is Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA!

Remember, diuretic before analgesic, you will be sick. Analgesic before diuretic, it’s copesetic.

Right now I am on the “Subway Diet,” I only eat things I find on the subway.

By the way ladies, add that to your reception dinner choices: chicken, fish, or slow drip of protein and fat.

Remember fellas, it’s bad luck to see the bride with the feeding tube in before her wedding day, also, it’s horrifying.

Side effects of Vaxaduct include Vapor bone, Labious corpus, and Mao Sae Tongue.

Sluts have been in the new a lot lately, as the fight over women’s birth control continues. Well, finally there is a birth control procedure that will allow men to be sluts too.

…[Vasigel] will last ten years, which is long enough for Sting to have sex twice.

(describes the procedure) …then they stitch you up, and slap on a bag of frozen peas.

It so effective, that just describing the procedure makes most men lose interest in having sex, according to a recent study of me just now. (Quietly to audience) That’s true.

And good news, it’s completely reversible, but instead of injecting you with sperm-murdering jelly, they inject water and baking soda to flush out the gel. Of course, you want to avoid consuming any vinegar for 24 hours before the baking soda procedure, to keep from getting volcano wang.

To provide American men with birth control that painfully injects poison into your taint, Prescott is proud to introduce Scorpo-Tricyclin, a stylish thong containing a live scorpion. Simply slip Scorpo-Tricyclin on, and let our fast-acting scorpion get to work on your junk! Plus, Scorpo-Tricyclin is completely reversible, in that the underwear is reversible, the scorpion poison in your testicles is permanent.

Side effects of Scorpo-Tricyclin include stress balls, deviated rectum, and arch-nuts.

That is it for Cheating Death brought to you by Prescott Pharmaceuticals, keep all boats away from our skull island laboratories, you have been warned.

Interview