April 17, 2012 — Jonah Lehrer

It's finally happening. America is falling in love with the idea of liking Mitt Romney. And they just can get exactly enough of him. In fact, a Gallup Tracking Poll has him beating Obama by five points! And it might be more since Mitt hides some of his points in the Cayman Islands. Well, folks, I for one know why America is jumping on the Romney bandwagon. Or at the very least being tied to the top of it.

For instance when someone discards the casing of a yellow starchy fruit on the floor and someone else who is not you comes along and perhaps - an ethnic minority, let's say - and slips causing mild injury and loss of dignity. That makes my lungs pulsate with short bursts of air with an "H" in front. "Ha, Ha".

Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for making vegetarians eat a bug. But now I'm eating a bug. It was bad enoughh when I found out that cool blue berry Gatorade was coloured with powered smurf. I almost Smurfed my pants.

I love Pizza Hut. It's so much better than the food at Sunglass Hut. And the food test pilots over at the Hut are always pushing the crust-velope and jamming cheese in there and what not. Folks, I salute their latest creation 'The Hot Dog Stuffed Pizza'. Yeah, forget Meat Lovers Pizza, this is 'Meat Stalkers Pizza', and they've hidden the body in the crawl space.

Nation, I have always been a fan of unexpected Hot Dogs. I have just one problem with a Hot Dog stuffed Pizza. It's available only in the U.K. Excuse me, I thought British food was about stuffing things into the animal intestines, not the other way around. Everybody knows that Hot Dog is as American as Apple Pie stuffed Pizza crust. We must reclaim the throne by cramming Hot Dogs into every available weiner shaped food area. Jam one into a Cannoli, put one in a Banana, stuff one in a Yogurt.