April 12, 2012 — James Cameron
EPISODE NUMBER: 8085 (April 12, 2012)
GUESTS: James Cameron
SEGMENTS: Intro- 4/12/12 | The Other War on Women | Stephen Colbert’s End of the World of the Week - Survivalist Singles & KFC Disaster | Cold War Update - Alleged Congressional Communists | James Cameron | Sign Off- Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Grey suit | Light grey shirt | Red tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, April 12, 2012
Intro- 4/12/12
Tonight, how do you prepare for the end of the world? I wish Michael Stipe were here, he feels remarkably fine about it. Then, are communists taking over America? My panic will belong to all of us. And my guest is Academy Award winning director James Cameron, our five minute interview will cost $545,000,000.
The Newt Gingrich campaign bounced a $500 check, it was returned for insufficient grip on reality.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen, you know, when you give me that kind of greeting when I come out here at the beginning of the show, it's like you've all given me a big hug.
The Other War on Women
Notable Quotables:
- But unlike our real wars, the American people are paying attention to this one.
- Thank you, Washington Post. Your reporting was helpful but useless.
- Yes, other people than men. That’s not patronizing to women. That could be any kind of other people. Castrados, cyborgs, the list goes on for two.
Now folks, I don't know if you have heard but Mitt Romney has been hurt by the so-called "republican war on women". Which, of course, is just a liberal media invention like global warming or the female orgasm. Where's... where's the evidence?
Besides, this very week Mitt Romney turned that attack against Obama using the ancient art of jumittsu.
That's called flipping the script, baby. My problem is really your problem. It's all laid out in Romney's new campaign slogan "Romney 2012: I'm Rubber, You're Glue."
Hoo, hoo, did she put her foot in Obama's mouth!
Excuse me, campaign stratigist Rosen, you know what’s actually never worked a day in it’s life? Attacking motherhood. Now, folks, full disclosure: I have a personal stake in this issue because I have a mom. My mom. Which makes me half-mom on my mom’s side. Now, she was a stay at home mom of eleven kids. Which, I guess, makes her twice as lazy as Ann Romney.
Um, I gotta tell you folks, this is good. This is good. This story is delicious!
Jimmy, Jimmy tell you what, put Rosen’s quote up on the crawl right now. Let’s put it up there all the time. That’s nice…
That’s not enough. Now play the quote on a loop. Just play it on a loop…
Now drop a fat beat on it!
Stephen Colbert’s End of the World of the Week - Survivalist Singles & KFC Disaster (MORE TO COME)
Cold War Update - Alleged Congressional Communists (MORE TO COME)
James Cameron
My guest tonight recently set the world record for traveling solo to the earth's deepest depths. Well, he's about to meet the earth's shallowest man.
Stephen: Now I’m in a quandary here, obviously I’m a big fan. Oh, we can shake hands again if you want. A lot of people, a lot of people don’t want to let go of me. I understand the feeling.
James: Yeah.
Stephen: But you’re, you’re one of these, uh, Hollywood elites. Okay? Poisoning the minds of our children with your escapist fantasy movies.
James: Yeah, yep.
Stephen: Okay? Case in point: Titanic. (aside to audience) You guys see that Titanic move? You guys see that Titanic movie? (audience cheers) Alright. Couple people saw that. Bet you made a chunk of change. Alright. Now, that movie, I think, has gotta terrible message for our kids.
James: Hmm.
Stephen: That young women of means and breeding should go off with just some, tramp they meet in storage.
James: Yeah. Yeah.
Stephen: You realize that, that’s the message of that movie.
James: Yeah, yeah. Think how much the film could’ve made, if we’d done it right.
Stephen: Right!
James: Done it your way.
Stephen: Exactly! If you’d focus grouped that movie…
James: Yeah.
Stephen: …and, and Jack had lived; you could have turned some coin.
James: Yeah.
Stephen: Have you thought about a sequel? Have you thought about a sequel where Rose goes and fights the ocean for his body?
James: Well, we’ll work on that.
*
Stephen: Is everything, is everything 3D in it now?
James: Yeah.
Stephen: Even, like, when their “doing it” in that car?
James: We worked, we worked especially on that scene, yeah.
Stephen: That sweaty hand print’s coming right atchya.
James: Although they cut it out in China, we just found out.
Stephen: Really? They cut that out in China?
James: They cut that out in China.
Stephen: That’s too sexy for the Chinese?
James: They were, they were afraid that Chinese men would actually be reaching out toward the screen. This is true.
Stephen: You’re kidding.
James: You can’t make this up. And that it would interfere with enjoyment of the people sitting next to them, somehow.
Stephen: They would be reaching out toward the screen?
James: This is the official Chinese statement.
Stephen: I can’t believe these men have that little sex. There are a lot of them.
James: This is a concern, so it’s been edited but we made twenty million dollars there in two days. So, I’m going with their edits.
Stephen: Wow, that’s nice. The market has spoken.
James: Exactly.
*
Stephen: …Now, you’ve gone down to the deepest spot in the ocean. The Marianas Trench.
James: Yeah.
Stephen: Where in the oceans is that, then?
James: Well, it’s actually near Guam which is, you know, western Pacific, kind of out in the middle of nowhere. And, uh.-
Stephen: It’s part of America, sir. It’s not nowhere.
James: It’s in the Federated States of Micronesia, sir. About a mile outside of America.
Stephen: The people are American Citizens, sir. Okay? They have a representative in government, mother f*@ker.
James: Whoa, whoa!
Stephen: Okay? Don’t f*@k with me. Alright? Okay.
James: The Federated States of Micronesia, yes.
Stephen: And they have a congresswoman. I interviewed her. You’re on my turf. You’re on my turf.
James: Exactly, except-
Stephen: You know the bottom of the ocean. I know congress.
James: Are you aware she can’t vote?
Stephen: I do know she can’t vote, neither can Washington D.C. Does that mean that’s not apart of the United States? Because I agree with you there. Okay, alright, I accept your apology.
*
Stephen: Now why go down there, what’s down there man?
James: Well, it’s the last unexplored frontier on planet Earth.
Stephen: How far down we talkin’?
James: Seven miles.
Stephen: Seven miles!
James: Yeah, 36,000 feet or 11,000 meters. If you’re metric.
Stephen: Please, no meters just-
James: I’m Canadian.
Stephen: We don’t broadcast in Europe.
James: I’m Canadian.
Stephen: Alright. You’re Canadian?
James: I’m Canadian, mother f*@ker.
Stephen: That might be the least polite thing I’ve ever heard a Canadian do.
Stephen: …Did you see anything down there? Like, were there, was the Kraken down there? Was-
James: If I thought there was any chance whatsoever of a giant squid or a Kraken, I would’ve been putting bait all over that sub.
Stephen: Really? Just try to get him to come close to you?
James: Yeah because that would be the shot, right?
Stephen: It would? You’re the director, you tell me.
James: Uh, no, they’re small. The animals are quite small down there. The pressure, the lack of food supply and all that. It’s the most harsh, extreme environment on planet earth.
Stephen: May I ask you something? That, that necklace the lady throws off the boat in Titanic?
James: Um, hmm.
Stephen: You were going after that, weren’t you?
James: Yeah, yeah.
Stephen: That thing, ’cause that has to be mega bucks.
James: Yeah.
Stephen: Huge coin.
James: Yeah.
Sign Off- Goodnight
That's it for The Report, everybody! Goodnight!