April 9, 2012 — Bob Lutz
EPISODE NUMBER: 8082 (April 9, 2012)
GUESTS: Bob Lutz
CHARACTER BREAK: From 00:38 - 00:45
SEGMENTS: Easter Under Attack: Bunny Vs. Bilby|Searching for Mr. Right - Mitt Romney & Iowa’s Steve King |Stephen Colbert’s Shame Spiral - Senior Citizen Gymnasts|Sign Off - Remembering Mike Wallace
SUIT REPORT: Gray Suit | White Shirt | Black & gray spotted tie
VIDEOS: Monday, April 9, 2012
What an amazing episode! The audience was totally on fire, giving Stephen a tremendous energy boost and great start to the week. We were just discussing Easter Under Attack in my Look Back Post, so nice to see that he squeezed in one Easter segment (and graphic) before the holiday was over. And some great Aussie Shout-Outs! I would totally love to see Tip of the Bush Hat, Wag of the Didgeridoo.
The truly stellar performance at Stephen’s congressional testimony came not from Stephen, but from Congressman Steve King. He never breaks character as a close-minded conservative, so it is no wonder that Stephen is highly recommending him for the honor of becoming Mitt Romney’s VP candidate.
I had seen the video clip of the German gymnast and was stunned at her performance; I think it gives us all hope that even as we age, we can keep going strong. This message clearly resonates with Stephen, giving rise to the delightfully dark new segment Stephen Colbert’s Shame Spiral, and vigorous pushups with Bob Lutz.
Stephen really seems to be in great shape! And looking great as always.
What did you guys think of the ep? Let us know in the comments.
Easter Under Attack: Bunny Vs. Bilby
First of all, before we start the show tonight, I have to take a moment here to give a big shout out to all my bronies. And I do want to reiterate that I do not know what that means.
Nation, there are a lot of nieces out there very excited right now.
Nation, I hope you had a fantastic Easter. I spent the holiday surrounded by family, going to church, and totally dominating my neighborhood Easter egg hunt.
Suck it, Tyler! I can’t believe, I cannot believe you fell for the old “go check under the hedges” trick. There was nothing under the hedges. I got all the eggs, including these three, I took it from him!
I won Easter! You can win.
And mine wasn’t the only display of Easter athleticism.
Yes, he’s God’s quarterback and evidentially Denver has higher standards than God.
Why Tebow on Easter? Well, that’s obvious.
"Yes, Easter is the Super Bowl of Christianity, when we celebrate the triumph of the ultimate ‘come from behind’ player: Jesus Christ. "
All Judea had counted him out but he emerged three days later and uttered those famous words. “I’m going to Disney World!” Where he delivered The Sermon on the Space Mount.
I’m sure that you think that now that it’s Monday, Easter is safe from the secular progressives out there but Jesus isn’t the only one who can surprise ya, this is Easter Under Attack!
Tonight (break). Oh, he’s packing! You better believe he’s packing!
Tonight, a disturbing attack from Australia, where because of the time change I believe it’s still Sunday or as they say, “Suddayme”.
"Now, I’ve always felt a special kinship with The Land Down Under. After all, if my Irish great-great-grandfather, Seamus Connelly, hadn’t jumped off that Sydney bound convict ship, right now I’d be doing segments like Tip ‘O the Bush Hat, Wag of the Didgeridoo and Alpha Dingo of the Week."
So, I assume that Australians celebrate Easter just like us. Except, of course, below the equator where Jesus comes out of the tomb counter-clockwise.
But the Aussies are about to eradicate the holiest symbol of Easter.
Easter Bilby? This is an assault on the sacred ritual of dying a rabbit pink and gorging on it’s chocolate offspring. Who wants a chocolate bilby? You know, you know it’s gotta creamy vegemite center!
Plus it makes no sense! The bilby is a marsupial, unlike rabbits, they don’t lay eggs. And now, now I’ve gotta go digging in it’s filthy pouch for my chocolate treats? They’ll melt!
Besides, if you want to replace the Easter Bunny, you already have a native Australian egg laying mammal: The duckbilled platypus. Children will love the Easter Platypus. If they’re good they get chocolate and if they’re bad he’ll stab them in the neck with his venomous heel spike, just like Santa.
Now, folks (aside to audience) it’s gonna catch on.
Searching for Mr. Right - Mitt Romney & Iowa’s Steve King
Folks, it’s officially the unofficial start of the 2012 general election. After a bruising republican primary season the foreplay is over and like all republican foreplay it was expensive, vindictive, and ended with something pretty predictable.
But now that Mitt Romney pretty much has the nomination nailed down, there’s one question everyone’s asking: Who will Romney pick as his running mate?
"For months, names like Marco Rubio and Paul Ryan have swirled through the rumor mill. Unfortunately, Bain Capital bought the mill and laid-off all the rumor mer-*#&$! Keep on going, well, keep going!"
Well, that’s not going to stop me from speculating wildly. Which brings me to my new segment: Searching For Mr. Right.
It is crucial that Romney pick a running mate who will help him with the groups he’s weak with. Women, Hispanics, African Americans, Evangelical Christians, and Republicans.
Now, one man, one man out there who would shore up Mitt’s support with the far right is Iowa Congressman and Unblinking Nordic Death’s Head, Steve King.
You may remember Congressman King from this historic exchange during my congressional testimony.
Now, I would like to apologize to Representative King, I have since learned the correct term is “cob gobbler”.
Well, in the last week, Congressman King has repeatedly proven why he is the number one choice to be the number two guy, starting with this nuanced critique of Obama Care.
Yes! In every state babies are born all the time who are delivered at home, don’t get any vaccinations, never see a dentist, make it through school without ever getting strep throat or head lice or pink eye or mono. Have perfect vision and never get sick as an adult, keep all of their mental faculties and die happily at the age of 110 surrounded by all of their loving children who also were born at home and never got vaccinated or sick.
After all, after all, Americans were fine before “modern medicine”. They worked hard, raised families, and passed away of natural causes at the ripe old age of 28.
Reason number two King is the perfect Veep. Steve King is looking out for small businesses. Last Monday, he outlines how business owners could avoid discrimination lawsuits from gay employees.
Hear that The Gays? It’s up to you to keep us from discriminating because once we know you’re gay I have a natural desire to fire you and unlike gay, discriminating is not a choice.
That’s why I insist no one at The Report tell me their sexual orientation from the lowest intern to my camera man Julian. Right, Jules?
Alright, say hi to the wife and kids for me.
So, folks, we don’t need anti-discrimination laws any more than we need the American’s With Disabilities Act. You hear that disabled people? Stop rubbing your disability lifestyle in my face! Just let me continue thinking that you’re a lazy man in a chair from the future.
And I say, you go Steve King! And I assume this means you won’t be telling us whether you’re gay. Although coming up with a great excuse to keep everyone in the closet is a pretty big hint.
So, Mitt Romney, take a close look at Steve King for the ticket but not too close, he might get the wrong idea. After all, we’re coming up on corn packing season.
Stephen Colbert’s Shame Spiral
"She's 86! Look at that. She's 84 years older than the average Chinese gymnast. She is old enough to retire from the AARP, meanwhile, I break a sweat bringing a fork to my mouth. "
"I'm fat. I mean I run every day….from the desk to interview table. That's gotta be 2 miles, or else why are my nipples bleeding when I get there?"
And Mom, I know you’re 91, but you are going wake boarding!
That’s it for this week’s edition of Stephen Colbert’s Shame Spiral. Now go away while I eat my hurt.
Interview - Bob Lutz
Sign Off: Remembering Mike Wallace
Catch the late Mr. Wallace’s 2007 appearance on TCR here.