November 9, 2011 — Father James Martin

"Cain was born in 1945. He's running to be our 45th president. He met his wife on April 5th, or, 4-5. 4 plus 5 is 9, as in, 9-9-9. Plus, there's that Jim Carrey movie where he becomes obsessed with the number 23, and after 2 and 3 comes 4 and 5. There were 4 people accusing him of inappropriate sexual advances; now there are 5. And to keep one of these women quiet, his company paid her $45,000."

"That's not me, that's God. The all-knowing, all-loving Creator, who made all things and hates some of them."

"At last, we have fulfilled our dream of a dessert that looks like Care Bear scat." (note from justine: nooooo i love dippin' dots, don

Heisenberg's Uncertainty Popsicle

"My ice cream is delicious. And Jimmy's ice cream is... well listen, I don't want to crap on Jimmy's ice cream... because that would improve the flavor."

Dr. Matthew C. Sullivan and the Quantum Levitator (note from justine: WOOOOO ITHACA COLLEGE REPRESENT)

"Nation, as I'm sure you know, quantum levitation refers to the phenomenon whereby the magnetic flux lines flowing through a Type-II superconductor are pinned in place despite the electromagnetic forces acting upon them. I learned that from the inside of a Snapple cap."

EAT IT FALLON

"You know Jesus must have cracked a smile when he saw Peter fall in. That's just good physical comedy."

A guy commits suicide and he goes to Heaven. He gets to Heaven and God greets him there and the guy says, "I'm so surprised I'm here! First of all, I thought there was no God. Second of all, I thought if you killed yourself, you were damned forever." And God said, "You know, that's a complicated issue. Everybody at least thinks about ending it, you know, killing themselves at some point. Even I've thought of it." And the guy said, "Can I ask, why didn't you do it?" And God said, "What if this is all there is?"