November 8, 2011 — Seth Meyers

EPISODE NUMBER: 8018 (November 8, 2011)
GUESTS: Seth Meyers
SEGMENTS: Indecision 2012- Herman Cain Won’t Be Stopped |Colbert Platinum - Wealth Under Siege |The Blitzkrieg on Grinchitude -Fired Santa Claus & Colbert Super PAC Christmas | Sign Off - Custom Escape Yacht
SUIT REPORT: Navy suit |Light blue shirt | Purple / black / white tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Let’s climb inside our armor protected humvee, sip some champagne, drown out the sounds of the disenchanted poors, and talk about this fine episode. I particularly loved the Colbert Platinum’s new graphic: “I grew a beard!” That guy was really proud of that.

Herman Cain’s Crazy Train continues barreling through the Sane-Station without stopping. I know the fund raising is there, but Mr. Cain would be slightly delusional (note: he is) if he thinks is going to be a factor in the presidential race given the gravity (and quantity) of the accusations leveled against him. Enjoy your late night talk show appearances, while you can, Mr. Cain.

Gawd, those paranoid rich-people protecting toys were pretty awful, right? That armored car was so laughable, I think you would feel more sorry for than intimidated by some rich person shivering inside. And that Storm Trooper RV, well, it looks custom designed for any Lucas fan, but I think that’s a small market. It seems Colbert Platinum not only exposes lavish, extravagant consumption, but also the ridiculous heights vendors will go to to attempt seduce high end buyers and their lovely checkbooks.

It seems Stephen will save Christmas for the fired Santa. We can spend billions on defense, but we have to crush the dreams of an old man to save $660.00? Seems a little arbitrary to me. I just hope the older gentleman can say “Corporations are People” into the camera. I mean, he’s no Hans Beinholtz.

Finally, awesome to see Seth Meyers on the program. He sort of gained ultimate comedy cred in my book for his awesome performance at the WHCD. Admittedly, I haven’t really watched SNL regularly since the late, great Chris Farley was on. In the early nineties we would never miss an episode. I remember watching the “Ambiguously Gay Duo,” years before I would be meticulously blogging for the gentleman playing Ace. But there are talented people on that show, without question, and Mr. Meyers epitomizes that, for sure.

I don’t know why Stephen has yet to host SNL. I always assumed he wasn’t interested, or too busy with his own show. But seeing as Mr. Carell has hosted with some success, why not Stephen? How he will find that time to do it boggles the mind, but he has defied the constraints of space-time on many an occasion.

Let’s lobby 30 rock! We want Stephen! We want Stephen!

Quotables

From Herman Cain Won’t be Stopped:

I shouldn’t be telling you this, but hearing you chant my name like that is sweeter than mother’s milk to me.

Incidentally, [Cain’s] woodwork coming out is one of the things Cain is accused of.

And the latest anonymous woman is Sharon Bialek. The accusations are both graphic and specific, but don’t tell what they are, because I have Tivo’d them.

Cain took the podium, admittedly without asking if it wanted to be taken.

That look says that he knows how to think of things for women to do, and, if they hired them to do it, maybe he wouldn’t be in this trouble.

What is the maximum amount you can write to a candidate? F*** that. I am going with $10,000. Come for me coppers, because Herman is the man, and how bad could those charges be?

Let’s just say Go Packers, or whatever it is you go do.

From Colbert Platinum:

They know we’re delicious? Who told? The secret is out, I am particularly well-marbled. I spend all day penned in my desk, eating corn, drinking beer, and being massaged by Japanese women. I’m human Kobe beef.

This segment is for Platinum members only, so you don’t need a 52″ plasma screen on your ATM machine to see your bank balance, why don’t you run along and watch some Extreme Couponing

The barbarians are at the gated communities, we must be ready to flee at a moment’s notice.

I read [a yacht magazine] in the dentist’s office, which is also a yacht.

The yacht is now a necessity for escape. I, for one, cannot imagine fleeing the collapse of society onboard a boat without an infinity pool. What am I supposed to do, go all the way down to the water to swim?

From [company] Million Dollar Dandy, a name synonymous with toughness…

This is the perfect vehicle for anyone enemies angry enough to fire bullets measurable with a day planner.

Since the [armored limo] has no bathroom, the [cigar humidor] will double as a poop humidor. You want to keep it moist. You want to keep it humid.

Look at this beauty. It’s like a storm trooper banged a Winnebago.

[Features of luxury Winnie] A pop-up roof terrace, so you can still look down on people. And a working fireplace for destroying evidence of financial fraud.

Finally, a haven as connected to land, as libertarians are to reality.

And yes you’ll be starting over in a brand new world, but make sure to bring your limo, your yacht, and your RV, just in case these remote societies with no laborers, no building codes, or firearm restrictions breaks down for some reason.

Join us again next time to answer the age old question, could God build a yacht so big even he couldn’t fill it with b***ches.

From The Blitzkrieg on Grinchitude

Our best hope is to fix the deficit for Tim Geithner to ask for Santa 14 trillion dollars worth of scarves with gift receipts.

Instead of helping Santa, bureaucrats out there are sticking their budget cutting knives right in his bowl full of jelly.

They fired Santa! How is he going to break this to Mrs. Claus? Oh, they are going to be eating a lot of venison this winter.

This guy’s the real Santa. How do we know? Because he fought in World War II. You really think we could have beat Hitler without Santa. That’s who stormed the beaches on D-Day.

Santa with machine guns! Santa with machine guns! Shootin’ ’em right down Jerry’s chimney.

Frankly, I feel Santa is better off in the private sector, because Santa is a job creator. That’s why he outsourced everything to the North Pole. He doesn’t want the labor department asking about his seasonal, migrant, non-union elf laborers, who, let’s be honest, are probably Guatemalan. It’s hard to tell, they are all so small.

But thanks to Suffolk County, NY, Santa is out of a job, and there will be no Christmas. Unless I save it.

All Santa has to do is say that corporations are people. And not naughty people, nice ones. I want to check the list.

Interview Quotables

Every week you go on TV and tell jokes about the news. That is inappropriate.

Seth Meyers: Sometimes the mainstream straight news options (gestures towards Stephen) don’t fulfill them, so it’s sometimes nice to make light of the news.

Ok. Famine in Somalia. Go. C’mon, funny man. Tickle my funnybone.

SM: There are some things that are off limits.

Such as?

SM: Famine in Somalia.

I accept your apology.

SM: I retroactively give it.