EPISODE NUMBER: Season 1, Episode 107 (Wednesday, March 9, 2016)
GUESTS: Sally Field | Jerrod Carmichael | Esperanza Spalding
SEGMENTS: Monologue - Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Going All-Natural Just Isn’t Natural | Trump, Pile of Meat 2016 | There Is a New Conspiracy Theory Afoot…and Apaw | Sally Field | Jerrod Carmichael | Esperanza Spalding - “Good Lava”
SUIT REPORT: Blue Suit | White Shirt | Light& Black Striped Tie
Monologue - Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Going All-Natural Just Isn’t Natural
- I do need your energy, because I don’t want to be alone right now. I just heard something shocking. You guys like Kraft Macaroni and Cheese? Of course you do, you’re human beings! Of course you love it. Well brace yourself, because Kraft has just announced that they’ve gone natural. [..]When they say natural, they mean that they have removed all artificial preservatives, flavors, and dyes from their classic recipe.
- I don’t get it. I was not aware, first of all, that a packet of dust was technically a recipe. Here’s the deal: Kraft claims that you can’t taste the difference, […] because they changed this recipe 3 months ago, and they’ve sold over 50 million boxes of the new recipe, without people noticing .But we’re Americans, alright, you throw enough butter and salt in there we’ll eat the box without noticing!! I’m sorry, no! This is wrong! This is wrong! This is serious breach of trust. When I pick up a package of rich macaroni product and dry milk fat powder I expect a certain amount of fake ingredient. Now instead of artificial coloring they’re using spicing like paprika and something called “anato.” I want the good old fashioned coloring, like Yellow No. 6. I know where Yellow No. 6 comes from, it’s between Yellow No. 5 and Yellow No. 7, where it belongs.
- But here’s a tip: if you miss the original recipe, it’s simple, just use the natural stuff, and melt an orange crayon in there, it’s the same basic effect. It doesn’t congeal as fast.
- President Obama has grown half an inch. He’s 54 years old. That’s a little late for puberty to kick in. I am not sure if that’s a Change I Can Believe In. I’m 51, and I have been 5’11” my whole life, my doctor also just told me suddenly I’m 5’10” 1/2. I don’t know what’s happening here. Is Obama trying to make himself bigger to intimidate Congress? Like how a lizard puffs out his neck frill? “Confirm my Supreme Court nominee!”
Trump, Pile of Meat 2016
- Here’s Hillary’s official statement after Bernie Sanders took MI in the Democratic Primary (shows clip from The Poltergeist: “What’s happening!?!!”)
- Donald Trump won the Hawaii Republican primary, so now “aloha” means both hello and goodbye Republican party!
- Did y’all catch his victory speech? It was on every channel, I think even Nick Jr. was running it because I saw some sort of orange blob on TV. “Hey kids! Hi! Hey! Mexicans are coming to kill us!”
- So here’s the deal, last week Mitt Romney called Trump a fraud and a bad businessman because things like Trump Magazine and Trump Water and Trump Steaks all failed. So last night, after winning Mitt’s home state of Michigan, Trump’s victory speech had a little bit of product placement.
- Yes, Trump gave his victory speech next to a pyramid of raw steak. He was either trying to prove Mitt wrong or introduce his new running mate Trump/Pile of Meat 2016. Good luck telling them apart.
“It was like an informercial. If he’s elected, this would make Trump the first president to come with a sticker ‘As Seen on TV.'”
- If we’re honest, I think I know what’s going on here. Donald is just insecure. I don’t know even if Trump wants to be president. The guy just needs constant validation, that’s clear. And isn’t that what all of us want? Love. Just love, and maybe steak. And if we give that to him, maybe he’ll go away.
- So Mr. Trump, and I know you’re watching because I said your name three times, I just want you to know that everyone thinks you’re cool. You’re smart. You are good at companies. And business-ing. And no doubt, you are hung like a pool noodle. Oh what’s that, I’m getting a phone call! Hello? Oh, It’s Everyone Who Made Fun of Donald Trump in High School. What’s that? You were secretly jealous of him the whole time? And now you are married to far fewer women? Ok, I will tell him. Goodbye, Real Call. Besides Donald, you don’t need to run for president, because there’s an even cooler, more elite position out there and we’ve all voted that you are it. It’s America’s #1 Man. And tonight, to make it official, I am giving you the #1 Man trophy, and you’ll love it, because it’s packed with meat.