EPISODE NUMBER: Season 1, Episode 49 (Friday, November 20, 2015)
GUESTS: Michael Caine | Larry Wilmore | Vulpeck | Boots
EXCLUSIVE(S): Vulfpeck – “1612”
SEGMENTS: Monologue | You Won’t Believe What They’re Doing to Your Favorite Sport | Michael Caine | The GOP Candidates Demand Equal Time | Larry Wilmore | Boots - “C.U.R.E”
SUIT REPORT: Blue Suit | Grey Shirt | Purple Tie
Monologe
Stephen is miffed. As the reigning champion of Lord of the Rings trivia, he is upset that scientists in Brazil, who discovered a new species of spider, named it after a LOTR character, Smeagol. He is having none of it!
- They say they named it Smeagol, because it’s scary looking and lives in caves. Okay. That’s cute.
Stephen goes on a beautiful rant, much of which I don’t understand. Sorry LOTR fans! Basically, Smeagol was changed into Gollum and he is the one who lives in a cave. Naturally, Stephen is adamant that the spider should be named Gollum. Makes sense!
- You don’t discover a venomous snake and name it Anakin. You name is Darth Vader.
You Won’t Believe What They’re Doing To Your Favorite Sport
- I didn’t play a lot of sports when I was younger. In fact, on our first date - and this is a true story - my wife asked me if I play any sports. I said, “I play a fair amount of hacky sack.” And yet she went on a second date with me! That is a keeper!
There is a big controversy in the world of curling.
“For centuries, the essence of curling, as remained the same, but new brooms could change this ancient sport. This week, 22 elite teams announced they refuse to use them.”
- No one saw this coming, because no one watches curling.
- Folks, I’m not alone, because just this week, The World Curling Federation stepped in and banned any brooms using waterproofed fabric and stiffening inserts.
- Now, I agree with that ruling. Though, I’m not 100% sure what “stiffening inserts” do. I’ve been assured I don’t need them.
Interview — Michael Caine
Caine: But there was another line in there [from the movie Youth], when I had to sing with the doctor. He says to me, “How does it feel being old?” And my line in the script was, “I don’t understand how I got here.” And I thought to myself, “Neither do I.”
Colbert: Now you’re a knight. Can the Queen order you to do things now?
Caine: No.
[…]
Colbert: Does it come with anything good? Do you get a badge to anything like that?
Caine: Yeah, you get a lovely medal.
Colbert: Can you flash it a cops and go, “Everything’s fine, officer.”
Caine: You can’t flash anything at English cops.
The GOP Candidates Demand Equal Time
- As you may have heard Donald Trump hosted NBC’s Saturday Night Live recently bringing the show its highest ratings in years. It was a huge night for the long time comedy institution. Also pretty good for SNL.
- There was one downside. Trump’s appearance triggered one of our few remaining election laws: the FCC’s “equal time” rule, which states that all “…qualified candidates are entitled to the same quantity, day part, and price as their opponents’ for television broadcasts.”
- Actually, invoking this law is pretty rare, because it makes you seem petty and desperate for attention, so five candidates have invoked it.
- We checked with our network’s lawyers - and this is absolutely true - it turns out there are guidelines I can use to protect myself.
- The first thing that I learned is that according to the FCC, “equal time” applies only to content that shows a candidate in a positive light.
Interview — Larry Wilmore
Colbert: Your show is, to a certain extent, got a focus that other shows don’t. You talk about, well, minorities, you talk about underdogs. Who are the underdogs in America?
Wilmore: There’s this kid who was going to give his valedictory speech. I think it was in Texas or something. And he was going to come out in his speech as gay. It was very emotional. And the principal said he couldn’t do it and called his family and outed him to parents. His parents didn’t know he was gay. It’s a terrible thing to do. So we brought the kid on the show. Oh, we were all crying and it was great. And in the first part of his speech he said, “And my favorite late night host is Stephen Colbert!” And I’m like, “Stephen Colbert?! I brought you on my show! How could you say ‘Stephen Colbert?!'”
Colbert: That’s a great kid!