November 6, 2015 — Whoopi Goldberg, John Kasich, Glen Hansard

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Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER: Season 1, Episode 39 (Friday, November 6, 2015)
GUESTS: Whoopi Goldberg | John Kasich | Glen Hansard
SEGMENTS: Monologue | Harry Potter & the Cauldron of Spoilers | Stephen Colbert’s RejecTED Talks, Vol. 2 | Whoopi Goldberg | John Kasich | Glen Hansard
SUIT REPORT: Grey Suit | White Shirt | Navy patterned tie

Monologue

Jon rocked out on his melodica, and Stephen ran out dancing to the beat. Stephen began by talking about the warm weather that New York has been having. It is November and it was 75 degrees yesterday. The Rockefeller Christmas tree will be put up soon, but with this weather, it might not be next to the ice skating rink this year.

  • Here in New York City it was 75 degrees today, and I can not wait for them to put up the Rockefeller Christmas tree. It is gonna look so festive right next to the Rockefeller wading pool.

Stephen also spoke about climate change, and with the planet continuing to get warmer, there will be diminished coital frequency.

  • Turns out climate change might have a downside, because a new study claims humans will have less sex on a warmer planet, because, and this is a quote: “Hot weather leads to diminished coital frequency.” Also leading to diminished coital frequency, the phrase “coital frequency.”
  • They said we will have more heat waves, hurricanes, tornadoes. We said “Great, the Weather Channel could use some zazz.”
  • They said rising temperatures would melt the glaciers and the ice caps. We said “Oh that’s nice. Titanic will finally have it’s revenge.
  • They said the rising sea levels, would put parts of Florida under water. We said “Only parts?”

Americans don’t scare easily. Science has to hit us, as Stephen said, “ in the bathing suit region”. But, don’t worry, Americans, President Obama quit laying down the Keystone XL Pipeline, so that you could all, you know…I’ll just let Stephen say it.

  • He’s gonna stop them from laying that pipe, so you can continue to.

Harry Potter & The Cauldron Of Spoilers

The last Harry Potter novel came out over a decade, but J.K. Rowling keeps coming out with new revelations that completely change the story. For instance, in 2007, Rowling revealed that Dumbledore was gay, then last year she confessed in an interview that she regrets pairing Hermione with Ron instead of Harry. The latest edit from Rowling declares that the term “muggle,” which refers to a non-magical human being, is not used in the United States. American wizards us the term “no-maj,” which is short for “no magic.” “No-maj” will be used in the upcoming Harry Potter spin-off, “Fantastic Beast and Where to Find Them.” It seems that Harry Potter fans are not happy about it.

  • If there are American wizards out there, that must mean there also is an American “He Who Must Not Be Named.” Who’s that?

“Author J.K. Rowling says the ‘T’ at the end of Lord Voldemort’s name is actually silent.”

“‘Voldemort’ like ‘Colbert.’ You don’t say the ‘T.'”

 

  • What?! Oh, I see what’s happening here. Rowling is all but out-right calling me “The Dark Lord.”
  • This is outrageous, J.K.! I am not some dark wizard.

And the idea that you could picture me slithering across your floor in the dead of night…to coil around you like a python embracing its prey…tightening ever so slowly until I squeeze out your very last breath. Though, were it to happen, none of my enemies would again dare to question my power.

  • To see the list of future Harry Potter secrets J.K. Rowling hasn’t reveal yet, place this letter in a magical kettle.

  • Behold! The first shocking spoiler: I can now reveal that Snape is actually short for Snapple.
  • What’s this? What do I see in the water? Once Harry Potter got drunk on butter beer and tried to make out with his own Patronus. That’s pretty weird stuff.
  • I see Hermione and she’s using the Time-Turner to go back in time and kill Wizard Hitler.
  • The Hufflepuff Quidditch team was using performance-enhancing Hippogriff hormones.

Stephen Colbert’s RejecTED Talks, Vol. 2

Stephen did some dumpster-diving recently at the TED headquarters and he found boxes full of TED Talk DVDs that didn’t make the cut. Tonight, he presents Volume 2! First up, is a professional wrestler named Rick “The Hammer” Ripper.

  • Ladies and gentlemen, I come before you today with a simple, yet memorable message.This Saturday Slam Down - this simple, everyday cage will be transformed into a decadent palace of suffering, where my upcoming opponent, Dr. Humungous, will reign as King Candy-Ass, for a thousand pathetic years.

Next up, is Kevin Graham, who ponders the question, “Am I dressed up like Mark Twain or Albert Einstein?”

Now what if I did this? [In German accent] “E = mc2.” Problem solved, right? Wrong. Because, check this out: [In Southern accent] “I wrote ‘Huckleberry Finn.’ My other name is Samuel Clemens.” Back. To. Square. One.

Interview - Whoopi Goldberg

Colbert: You got a new book. It’s called If Someone Says “You Complete Me,” RUN! Why should I run? Why don’t you want intimacy, Whoopi?
Goldberg: Intimacy is different than completion, baby! Well, here’s the deal - Do you really want to be with someone who’s not complete? That means that you have to take care of them. You have to always be with them to make them better. I think you have to be a complete person in a relationship. You have to come in as you, so that you can function. This other BS of “you complete me” - and it’s a no!
Colbert: If they say, “you complete me,” either they need you too much or they’re Tom Cruise in a movie.

Interview - John Kasich

Colbert: Why do you think we still need to keep pot illegal?
Kasich: The problem is we have a huge drug crisis in this country.
Colbert: Is that really pot that’s the drug crisis? Lots of people are going to jail for minor infractions and it ruins their entire life.
Kasich: We don’t do that in Ohio. We don’t even want serious drug addicts to be locked in prison for their rest of their lives. We treat them and we pass them off to the community.

Kasich: The problem with marijuana is this: We don’t want to tell our kids, “Don’t do drugs, but by the way, this drug’s okay.”
Colbert: Isn’t that what alcohol is?

Colbert: If you had been caught smoking marijuana and had it on your record, would you be the Governor of Ohio right now?
Kasich: Maybe, if I got you to come out and campaign for me.
Colbert: What I mean is it ruins a life to have that police record because you can’t get a job.

Glen Hansard - “Lowly Deserter”

Irish singer/songwriter Glen Hansard performs “Lowly Deserter” off of his latest album “Didn’t He Ramble.” Hansard is best known for his performance in the movie, Once, for which we won an Oscar for Best Original Song for ”Falling Slowly.” Hansard is a personal favorite of mine, whom I had the pleasure of seeing live in Philadelphia when he performed with Czech singer and pianist Markéta Irglová in their indie rock duo-band, The Swell Season. His performance tonight blew me away. His voice is gorgeous and he is an amazing mandolin player. He used a spectacular back-up band with a violin, a cello, a keyboard, an electric guitar, another mandolin player, drums, and beautiful horn instruments. With his incredible lyrics, all of this combined for one hell of a song!

What are your thoughts on this episode? Let us know in the comment section!

  • sharilyn_j

    Stephen poked enough holes in John Kasich’s argument to turn it into a bong. I like it when Stephen gets so serious that it almost startles you. And a fail on the final softball question, too — wanting to create jobs is against the status quo of the party? Okay, bud.

    I’m choosing to believe, without any supporting evidence, that this round of RejecTED was taped at the same time as the first. And that they’re not making any more of these. Ever.

    But overall a very good episode. Stephen was great with Whoopi. The Harry Potter bit was fun (even for me, having not read the books), and I of course got a kick out of Stephen’s flubs. Some things never change. 😉

    • Gina

      RejecTED definitely not my fave. Yes, I was surprised at how much Kasich flailed in that interview. Whoopi was really nice, I think she still loves Stephen for making fun of Bill-O when he was a guest on The View. Papa Bear really set her off, not that I say I can blame her.

      • juice318

        Not a fan of RejecTED, either; however, it reminded me why I haven’t gotten into the actual TED talks. Was Jon Hamm “Man in Smart Suit?”

    • K.V. Lady

      I didn’t like RejecTED either, though I liked it the first time.

  • Gina

    Whoa! That’s awesome, Kirsten. He is such a sweetie! You guys have that New Orleans connection. :)

  • juice318

    Wow, congratulations!

  • juice318

    One of the aspects of TCR I predicted missing the most was character breaks. How delightful that props still cause Stephen to crack up laughing. I really enjoyed Whoopi’s interview, especially the distinction about “spirited talkers,” and being fine on her own. When Kasich came on I was half-asleep, and even then I could see he was no match for Stephen. “Stephen poked enough holes in John Kasich’s argument to turn it into a bong.” Hahahaha, Sharilyn!

    I enjoyed Glen Hansard - I’ll have to give him another listen.

  • sharilyn_j

    From Reddit: “I was at tonight’s taping, and if anyone’s curious Stephen actually did a hilarious Planet of the Apps segment that was cut. It’ll be in one of next week’s shows I assume. Also the Kasich interview went a lot longer, I feel like at least two full minutes was edited out.”

    • Erika Bade

      They should have done that instead of the Ted Talks thing! Ahhh well, hopefully they’ll get the memo that it’s not a winner. Again, the premise of the costume bit was ALMOST funny but then wasn’t.

      • sharilyn_j

        2 minutes is a long time for Stephen to not be on camera (they didn’t even cut back to him between the two bits).

        Strange to me that they’re letting these things drone on. When I took Tom Purcell’s writing class, he hammered in how important it was to get to your joke and get out. Yet these are being allowed to fizzle. The Twain/Einstein one clocked in at 1:15. The beats were: the initial question, the costume, the quotes, and - in theory - the philosophical statement (and they didn’t really have a joke there). They could’ve trimmed the fat down to make the whole thing :20.

  • K.V. Lady

    The Harry Potter bit was so funny! I laughed so hard!

  • Gina

    Me too! I will ping you. :)

  • llama

    I was actually a bit surprised when Whoopi said she was such a fan. I could never be sure, but I kinda got the feeling from his appearance on The View all those years ago, she wasn’t too thrilled with him, but if that was the case then, I guess she changed.
    Good musical guest.
    Kasich, ugh, what can I say? I am already so sick and tired of hearing these candidates and their pre-rehearsed answers and platitudes about how they can fix things. Call me cynical, but no they can’t. We’ve heard this over and over for years. I’m just sick of it. At least we get the great Hunger Games segments, but I still can’t wait until the last one.

    • K.V. Lady

      Who ISN’T a fan of Stephen?