October 28, 2015 - Julianna Margulies, Jonathan Franzen, Alabama Shakes

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Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER: Season 1, Episode 32 (Wednesday, October 28, 2015)
GUESTS: Julianna Margulies | Jonathan Franzen | Alabama Shakes
SEGMENTS: Stephen Guesses the Entire Plot of “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” | NeverBring a Trump to a Carson Fight | Stephen Asks Donald to Put His Millions Where His Mouth Is | Julianna Marguiles | Jonathan Franzen | Alabama Shakes - “Joe” | Jonathan Franzen’s Bedtime Stories
SUIT REPORT: Dark Blue Suit | White Shirt | Navy/Silver Stripped Tie

I hope you enjoyed this Hump Day episode, Hubsters! Without even seeing the new Star Wars movie, Stephen confidently tells us the whole plot. Donald Trump attacks Ben Carson on his religion and his low energy. Be careful, Donald. Dr. Carson once stabbed someone in his teen years! And just when you think The Donald couldn’t possibly get any lower, he claims that $1 million is a small amount of money. Stephen takes Trump to task, with a check for $1 million for a charity. Julianna Margulies tells Stephen how she found out that Hillary Clinton watches The Good Wife. Jonathan Franzen discusses how he is no fan of Twitter. Alabama Shakes perform a phenomenal song. Stephen is tucked into bed while Jonathan Franzen reads him a chilling tale. Enjoy you Episode Guide!

Monologue

It is no surprise to us, The Colbert Nation, that Stephen is pumped for the new Star Wars movie. Stephen gives us full disclosure: He is friends with J.J. Abrams, but he assures us that Mr. Abrams has not told him anything about the new movie. However, from just seeing the trailer, Stephen is confident that he knows the entire plot of the movie.

  • It has been three decades since the events of the original trilogy. The dark and mysterious First Order has stepped into the power vacuum once held by the Empire, and the newly named Resistance fights in place of the Rebel Alliance, which has begun a tragic shift to the dark side. But John Boyega’s character is in a Stormtrooper suit, so it follows that now the new New Hope comes from the very enemy we’ve been trained to hate. Remember, the Dark Side was never explicitly tied to the Empire. The Force itself exists outside of mere temporal authority structures. So I predict that dark becomes light, light becomes dark, and the very fabric of the Force is stretched to its limit, as a new generation emerges to tear down the false distinctions of the past and unite all of us, old and new, moisture farmers and nerf herders, star and wars, once and for all, bringing peace to the galaxy.

Never Bring a Trump to a Carson Fight

The third Republican debate was on this evening, but Stephen has not yet seen it, because the show is taped before the debate is set to air. Ben Carson is surging in the polls at 26%, while Donald Trump is polling at 22%. Trump has been questioning Dr. Carson’s religion, who is a Seventh-day Adventists.

Donald Trump: “I’m Presbyterian. Can you believe it? […] Boy, that’s down the middle of the road, folks, in all fairness. I mean, Seventh-day Adventist, I don’t know about. I just don’t know about.”

  • It’s just like when your aunt has a couple of cocktails at Thanksgiving and says, “I just don’t know about these Jews.”
  • She probably means, “I have a deep curiosity about their religion and I’m very eager to learn. I just don’t know about them.”
  • Donald did openly attack Ben Carson on something he holds far more sacred than someone’s religion: Their level of pep!

Donald Trump: “Ben Carson is super low-energy, right? He’s super low! Super low-energy! We need tremendous energy.”

Yes, exhibiting tremendous energy is the number one requirement for being President. I mean, who can forget Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Workout tape? Look at those stove pipe shorts. I think he is smuggling something in his Underground Railroad.

  • Carson didn’t take Trump’s insult lying down. He sat half way up and said this:

Chuck Todd: “Do you thing people have mistaken your soft-spokenness [sic] for lack of energy?”
Ben Carson: “I wasn’t always like that. As a teenager, I would go after people with rocks and bricks and baseball bats and hammers. And, of course, many people know the story - When I was 14 and I tried to stab someone.”

  • Sure, 14 - That’s when you’re in your stabbing prime.

Stephen Asks Donald To Put His Millions Where His Mouth Is

  • Trump recently explained he’s been an underdog his whole life.

Donald Trump: “It’s not been easy for me. I started off in Brooklyn. My father gave me a small loan of $1 million. I came into Manhattan and I had to pay him back and I had to pay him back with interest.”

  • You heard right! Donald Trump called a million dollars a small loan, but remember this is the same guy who thinks 3 is a small number of wives.
  • These days, he’s worth billions of dollars. For him, a million dollars is garbage. So, I’m gonna take a moment here to say, “Mr. Trump, you look like a million dollars!”
  • Clearly, this is the inspiring story of a young man who made good. The classic story of riches to richer.

Since Trump thinks that $1 million is a small amount of money, Stephen has taken the liberty to write a check from Donald Trump to the charity of Stephen’s choice: The Harlem Children’s Zone.

Now Mr. Trump all you have to do is come here and sign it, proving that a million dollars really is a small amount of money.

Interview - Julianna Margulies

Photo by Jeffrey R. Staab | CBS via Getty Images

Colbert: Tell everybody how the world found out she did this. [How Hillary Clinton watches The Good Wife]
Margulies: It’s so lovely to hear. So, her emails came out. Her emails where released and it said, “What time is The Good Wife and Parks & Recreation on?”

Interview - Jonathan Franzen

Photo by Jeffrey R. Staab | CBS via Getty Images

Colbert: Well, you don’t like Twitter, that’s for damn sure.
Franzen: As somebody who enjoys a complicated sentence, I have a resistance. [Audience cheers] Thank you.
Colbert: You can jam something pretty complicated into 140 characters.
Franzen: It’s hard to create a sentence that uses the word “although” in it - in 140 characters.
Colbert: Uh, really? “Jonathan Franzen says it’s hard to use the word ‘although,’ although I just did.”

Alabama Shakes - “Joe”

Photo by Jeffrey R. Staab | CBS via Getty Images

Jonathan Franzen’s Bedtime Stories

Photo by Jeffrey R. Staab | CBS via Getty Images

Jonathan reads a scary story to Stephen, who is tucked in bed with his teddy bear. The story is about a big, bad wolf who is a metaphor for Amazon.

That that is The End of this Episode Guide. What did you think about this episode? Let us know in the comment section!

  • Gina

    Y’all got to watch until the end (after Alabama Shakes), there’s a cute little extra piece you’re gonna like. Speaking of Alabama Shakes, I like anyone who has so much pride they tattoo their state on themselves. It was a great performance.

    The top of the show was very strong, and I would like to see Trump sign that check to Harlem Children Zone! Stephen was able to coerce Jimmy Fallon into $26,000 to Donorschoose, but I think this Trump initiative is going to be a harder climb. I wasn’t sure if I would enjoy The Celebrity Interview, but Juliana Marguilies was sufficiently it-gettery enough. When Franzen was talking about “serious readers” vs. regular readers, it made me think of my relationship to this fandom, and how I was saying we need Stephen’s comedy. I hope we’re considered “serious readers.”

  • http://www.colbertnewshub.com/ Katie (Blogger Name: Clem)

    The check for $1 million that Stephen made out in Trump’s name to Stephen’s choice charity, The Harlem Children’s Zone, is pure genius. Since $1 million is such a small sum to him, let’s see if Donald puts his money where his mouth is!

    • Gina

      Yes, I wish the Donald could ever do something so productive as to help deserving children! :/