EPISODE NUMBER: Season 1, Episode 26 (Tuesday, October 13, 2015)
GUESTS: Sarah Silverman | Elijah Wood | The Legend of Zelda: Symphony of the Goddesses
SEGMENTS: Monologue | Stephen Colbert’s Hot Takes | New Campbell’s Ad Angers A “Million” Moms | Sarah Silverman | Elijah Wood | Performance by The Legend of Zelda: Symphony of the Goddess
SUIT REPORT: Light Grey Suit | White Shirt | Grey/Silver Stripped Tie

Hello Hubsters! Welcome to another Episode Guide! Last night Stephen introduced a new segment ‘Hot Takes’, they are still working on the graphics for that one. Stephen talked about canned goods and ‘StarWars’. There were also amazing guests last night, Sarah Silverman and Elijah Wood. Lastly there was a wonderful performance from the 54 piece orchestra “The Legend of Zelda: Symphony of the Goddesses”. Time to guide away!

Monologue

Stephen came on to the stage moovin’ and groovin’ along to his theme music. He then showed off his lovely suit, and Jon showed off his as well. We also got to see a bit of Stephen’s “leprechaun character”, and he even did a little air kick.

• It’s 11:35 which means the blinking clock on your oven will soon be right again.

Stephen mentioned the Democratic Presidential Debate that was on last night. Of course, the show tapes before the debate, so Stephen was only able to let us know one thing, the positions of the candidates.

• Now we tape this show early, so I have not watched it yet. I don’t know what happened. But, I do know that CNN released where the candidates will be standing on the stage . Hillary Clinton was in the center, Bernie Sanders was on her right, making it the first time in history he’s been to the right of anyone.

Thanks to Stephen we were also reminded of the other three democratic candidates.

• Then there are the three other candidates. Governor Martin O’Malley, Senator Jim Webb, and Governor Lincoln Chafee. Little known fact about Lincoln Chafee, anything.

Stephen then talks about his guests for the evening. We have Sarah Silverman the comedia , it’s the feminine version of comedius. Will Elijah be able to keep Stephen from talking about the Lord of The Rings for 8 minutes? Or will Stephen just unleash his inner Tolkien nerd. Lastly, before the show goes on, and before the band blows our funking minds, Stephen has one more thing.

• After being charged with a DUI a Florida man tried telling police that it was actually his dog who was driving. But, that didn’t help cause the dog turned out to be a duffle bag full of meth.

Stephen Colbert’s Hot Takes

Stephen starts off by saying this was the 26th show. He talks to Jon, and ask if people recognize him, and call him out, and say “Hey, that’s Jon Batiste.” Jon says this happens sometimes, and Stephen points out that no one ever says that to him. Stephen would be glad if people thought he was Jon Batiste, cause it would mean that Stephen has lost some weight.

Stephen then moves on, and tells us that he takes his job very seriously. Stephen explains that it is a trust to learn about the events of the day, and then express his opinions on the show. But, Stephen is on t.v. every night, he is a busy man, he can only have time to either talk or know. So he created this latest segment to just express his opinions, right off the bat. Here is ‘Hot Takes’! They are still working on the graphic, it’s not a flaming turd folks.

• A hot take is where I’ve got an opinion right off the bat, and my opinion is coming in so fast, it’s like a meteor plunging toward the Earth, and the ablative heating of the friction of the atmosphere is just scorching the surface rock until it’s molten flying lava. And, that’s what this graphic is supposed to be, and not, as you might’ve assumed, a flaming turd. We’re working on it!

As Stephen cools off the graphic, he explains the ‘Hot Take’ rules.

First off, let me just give you the rules for a hot take. I can not back up anything I’m saying, about anything I’m about to say. No information, these aren’t just the rules for me, they’re the rules for anyone on television who has to have an instant, if uninformed opinion. Just like ESPN anchors, or Ben Carson.

Stephen’s first hot take topic is prison. As we learn from the clip being played, pork will no longer be served in Federal prisons. That means no more bacon, pork chops, or ham. The decision was based on a survey of prisoners. Some find it to hard to believe that people would choose not to have bacon, and Stephen is amongst those people.

• I also find that hard to believe. There is no majority of any population on Earth that would say I don’t want any bacon. Sure Muslims and Jews can’t have any, but I’ve never heard one of them say I don’t want any.

Stephen’s hot take on this issue is “I NOT LIKE”, and he explains why.

• Don’t get me wrong I understand that prison is punishment, but life without possibility of pork is cruel and unusual . Think of all the delicious foods that come from a pig. Ham , pork chops, bacon, footballs. Oh yeah, every Superbowl Sunday I put out a honey glazed pigskin. Prison is bad enough, pork is the one ray of sunshine the inmates have. You might have gotten shivved in your sleep, but at least it was the sharpened end of a baby back rib. You can kind of taste it through your lung.

Next up is the topic of America’s favorite sport, baseball. Chase Utley of the Dodgers slid, and took out Mets player Ruben Tejada. Stephen thinks that Utley may need to learn the definition of Dodger.

• He went straight at him. Hey Utley, what part of Dodger don’t you understand. Now Utley is a pariah , Tejada is out for the season. Tejada’s ankles are still being recovered from low Earth orbit.

Stephen rules this hot take as “I NOT LIKE”.

• I don’t like this. That is a dirty slide, and Utley deserves to be punished. Either he takes the MLB’ s two game suspension, or he’s locked in an iron maiden by Mr. Met.

Stephen says how he’s qualified to make that judgement, cause he used to be a baseball player as a kid. He had a little trouble keeping it together after they showed “his picture”. He even brings out his trophy to prove it. Stephen and his team used to get rewarded with ‘Dairy Queen’, but Stephen rules no ‘Dairy Queen’ for Utley!

Next up on the Hot Take list is Belarus. Belarus president Alexander Lukashenko won his fifth term with 83.5% of the vote. Stephen tells us that some believe the election was a sham, because opposition leaders could not register as a candidate. Stephen says this is the opposite of how things are done in America, cause everyone “has to” register as a candidate here, and up goes the famous picture of all the candidates. Stephen also mentions that Lukashenko’s polling station was giving out doughnuts and alcohol to lure voters. Stephen reveals his hot take answer, and it is “I LIKE”.

• I like it! And, I think we should try that here. Anything to get more eligible voters to the polls. Remember you’re getting the booze and the doughnuts after you vote. That not only guarantees that you’re sober when you pull the lever, but if you get enough booze, you’ll feel better about the fact that these were your choices ( famous candidate picture is shown).

A person was added to that picture, and it was Oscar winner J.K Simmons. Did you notice him, if not it’s okay we know why, it was because you were drunk!

New Campbell’s Ad Angers A “Million” Moms

Stephen knows his viewers, and knows that we watch t.v. Stephen loves commercials , and their heartwarming messages, which is to buy something. Stephen was so excited about one commercial, he had to show it to us during the show. He shows us the very heartwarming Campbell’s soup ad that featured a non traditional marriage, which was the union of Campbell’s soup and ‘StarWars’.

• May the force product integration be with you!

This commercial showed a son, and his two fathers sitting down with him, and feeding him the new Campbell’s ‘StarWars’ soup. Stephen wasn’t surprised that Campbell’s supports all types of marriages, especially since it helps them sell more cans. This ad angered a few people, including those at ‘One Million Mom’s’. ‘One Million Mom’s’ “is a mother based activist group that promotes fundamentalist Christian values”. They said that in this commercial “Campbell’s Soup is glorifying this unnatural marriage” and “ This gay inclusive commercial is attempting to desensitize viewers”. Stephen tells us that this ad could have an effect on young people, after all Stephen saw an ad when he was younger, and now he likes women and soup.

• Back in the 70’s I saw an ad where a man and a woman eat Campbell’s together, and to this day I like women and soup. Coincidence, everybody keeps telling me it is, and they’re right.

‘One Million Mom’s’ is upset that Campbell’s is being associated with gay men, Stephen warns that maybe we shouldn’t tell them about Andy Warhol. Stephen tells us that he finds the ad to be heartwarming. But, Stephen thinks it might be too heartwarming. Stephen is a busy man, and doesn’t always have the time to be eating soup with his kids. Stephen even tells us a little story about a morning breakfast with his family.

• This is a true story. Yesterday morning I come down for breakfast, and I’m sitting there in the corner of the kitchen. I got my cup of coffee trying to wake up, and you know, make it into the day. And, I look up and I see that my wife is sitting there with my two sons at the breakfast table, and they are talking about their day, and having their cereal. Talking about like “Did you get your math homework done?”, and “What’s going on after school today?”. And, I realized, you know, Why aren’t I sitting at the table? I didn’t even think about sitting at the table, and I’m the dad. So, I put down my coffee, I got up on my elbows inside the kitchen table, you know, between my wife and one of my sons, and my other son is over there, and I’m like “Hey, Good morning.” And, They all just turned and looked at me silently. So I just took one of the strawberries off my son’s plate, and uh, sat back down with my coffee, and they laughed, and you know, like “it’s okay dad we know you’re not sitting at the table”, and well the strawberry was good .

Interview — Sarah Silverman

Sarah enters the stage, and greets Stephen with a hug. The two head over to the desk, and Sarah asks what song the band just played. Jon said it was Bach. Stephen says that they get classy over there at ‘The Late Show’. Sarah then starts complimenting Stephen, and saying lovely things about him. We can all agree with you Sarah! Stephen has filled the hole in Sarah’s heart that Phil Donahue left long ago. She wished she could express more how she felt, but chose not to go with the way Drew Barrymore did when she was on Letterman. Sarah knew that really wasn’t Stephen’s thing, and she offered to do something else, but we really didn’t need to hear Sarah repeat what she had said. Moving on, the two talked about Sarah’s boyfriend Michael Sheen, and Sarah told a story about a tweet she wrote, and certain information in the tweet happened to be published in “US Weekly”. Stephen then complimented Sarah on her acting, and said that there is Oscar buzz. Stephen mentioned Sarah’s new film called “I smile back” . He originally thought it was about people in an elevator, but it’s actually about a woman dealing with very deep personal issues. Sarah and Stephen then talked about how Sarah sometimes travels under another name. She blew her cover last night, and said that the name was Emma Thompson. Sarah also told a funny story about a driver that was excited about meeting Emma Thompson, and how he was a little disappointed when Sarah showed up.

Stephen and Sarah talk about how they both love jokes. Stephen tells us of a Tumblr page that shows kids jokes. He didn’t read those jokes, but he read some rejected ones. Sarah and Stephen joined together, and read some of these rejected jokes.

Colbert: A man always laughing his name is Wilson, one day a friend of Wilson asked him why you always happy. Wilson look him friend , and slap him friend, and that day Wilson never laugh, because Wilson is ghost now.
Silverman: That might be smart, in a way we don’t get. Meta.

Colbert: Knock, Knock
Silverman: Toilet
Colbert: Toilet Cat
Silverman: Who’s there?
Colbert: Toilet Who?

They finish telling the jokes, and Stephen compliments Sarah, and asked if she had a good time, cause it was important to him that she did, especially after all the lovely things she said about him. She reassures him that she had a great time.

Interview — Elijah Wood

Stephen brings out his next guest, Mr. Elijah Wood. Let’s see how long Stephen can talk to him, without mentioning ‘Lord of the Rings’. Elijah enters the stage and congratulates Stephen, and takes in the beautiful theater. The two then talk about the last time they saw each other, which was at the last episode of ‘The Colbert Report’. Elijah tells us how he only asked for a photo with one person that night, and it was Henry Kissinger. At 32:46 Elijah makes a Hobbit comment, and Stephen shows admirable restraint, and does not talk about it. Stephen tells Elijah not to “Tolkien tease him”. They moved on, and Stephen then mentioned that Elijah likes horror films. Stephen asks Elijah if there is anything that horrifies him.

Wood: I don’t get horrified.
Colbert: Can I try to horrify you ?

Wood: Yes.
Colbert: At the base of each of your eyelashes, there is a little crab like creature that eats the dead skin from around your eye. And when you wake up in the morning, that sleep that’s in the corner of your eye, thats the poop of that little crab like creature. I’m not making this up, and every single person has these eyelash mites on their face, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Wood: Is that true?
Colbert: Yes, it’s absolutely true, you can look it up. Are you horrified that you have those on your eyeballs right now?
Wood: No, Not really.
Colbert: Really? I’m horrified describing it to you.
Wood: If it were like, maybe a spider. I was afraid of spiders as a young child.
Colbert: They look like spiders.
Wood: Alright, that’s terrifying.

They then move on to taking about Elijah’s new movie called ‘The Last Witch Hunter’. Elijah mentions that Vin Diesel is a Tolkien nerd as well, and that he talked LOTR with Elijah on set. Stephen almost broke, but he stopped himself. Stephen was able to not talk about LOTR, for 8 minutes!

The Legend of Zelda: Symphony of the Goddesses

Lastly there was an amazing performance by ‘The Legend of Zelda: Symphony of the Goddesses’. The 54 piece orchestra took up the entire stage, so Stephen announced them from the balcony part of the theater. The performance was fantastic! Parts of the video game were showed on the screens throughout the performance, and the characters were projected on the dome of the theater.

That wraps up this guide. Check back tomorrow for a brand new guide! Thanks for reading!