EPISODE NUMBER: Season 1, Episode 23 (Thursday, October 8, 2015)
GUESTS: Cate Blanchett | Brian Chesky | Dartmouth College Football Dummy
SEGMENTS: Monologue | It’s Not the End of the World | The Curse of the Billy Goat Won’t Stop the Cubs | Stephen Colbert’s Digital Doo | Cate Blanchett | Brian Chesky | Stephen Finally Gets to Tackle a Robot | Didgeridoo Sign-Off
SUIT REPORT: Blue Suit | White Shirt | Purple Tie

In some ways, I feel kind of gypped as a fan blogger. This new show was supposed to be easy, light, fun celeb interviews, fluffy fluff, a real departure from The Colbert Report. Last night we had a jam-packed show complete with intricately scripted segments on the alleged end of the world, the Cubs’ improbably magical play off win, and exciting and ridiculous digital marvels, along with the appearance of a live goat and the extended use of a didgeridoo. Then, we had two decidedly non-fluffy interviews with Cate Blanchett and Brian Chesky. THEN, we had a robotic tackling dummy, that, somewhat frighteningly, Stephen had to take on himself.

I want my imaginary money and/or productivity back. Ha ha! Not really, but still, I can’t believe how much show they’re doing. I figured the show staff would put the pedal all the way to the floor with LSSC, but, it’s still surprises me the level of detail, the wide range of topics, the rich use of props and, oh, everything.

You may have noticed some allusions to the didgeridoo in the commenting thread below. All I am legally allowed to say is that the Hub staff knows the origins of this high-quality, ornate Australian instrument, and we are deeply touched that Stephen is employing its use on air and that we love him so much.

Let us know what you think of the ep in the comments!

Monologue

Folks, if you are tuning in for the very first time, let me catch you up with the show so far. I started hosting a few weeks ago — and you’re all caught up.

[Cate Blanchett] stars in the new movie Truth, where she plays a CBS employee who gets fired, and we might talk about something else instead.

I will talk with AirBnb CEO Brian Chesky, but if my landlord asks, he’s my cousin and he’s just visiting.

Bob Dylan has done an IBM commercial with supercomputer Watson. And incredibly, Watson was able to decrypt almost every word he sang.

It’s Not the End of the World

You know who really had a rough day? Those folks over at eBible Fellowship. They’re a church group in Pennsylvania who predicts the end of the world, and not, as their name would suggest, a book club that reads the Bible only on Kindle.

You may have seen those Save-the-Date billboards [in 2011]. I Rsvp’d immediately, and requested the vegetarian option at the Apocalypse.

I have some sympathy for those guys. I’m sure they feel terrible today, probably for a lot of reason. ‘Cause you know that one thing you said you’d be willing to do if the world was coming to an end — they probably did that last night. It’s going to be awkward at work today! “Hey Brenda.”

To be fair, I can understand why they thought the end of the world was coming, because there was one sign of the Apocalypse last night: the Cubs won a play-off game.

The Curse of the Billy Goat Won’t Stop the Cubs

Cubs fans were so excited they drunkenly ran through the streets, and when they heard the team won, they continued to do so.

This is a pretty big deal for me. Sure, I love New York, but I lived in Chicago for 11 years. The Windy City will always be a part of me. Specifically, my lower intestine which is still packed with a fair amount of sausage.

And the Division Series is important, it’s like the World Series of things that eventually might lead to the World Series.

It’s been 107 years since the Cubs won a World Series. To put that in perspective, back then the song went:

“Take me out to the ballgame,
Take me out to- I’ve got cholera.”

They added the cracker jacks later, when they found out that cured cholera.

 

The Cubs Curse: “You are never going to win the World Series again, because you insulted my goat!!!”

And ever since then the Cubs have suffered from the Curse of the Goat, as well as the curses of bad management, and unwillingness to pay for good players.

Sure, of course the Cubs technically still need to win 11 more games over the course of 3 more best-of series, but I think we can safely say, without any fear of jinxing it: the Cubs are going all the way! The Cubs are going to win the World Series! I guarantee it.

I am not scared of you knuckle-kneed sheep-wanabees anymore! Oh that feels good. So many things I’ve wanted to say about your kind for years, because of the curse, but not anymore! First of all, your cheese sucks. You can get the same flavor by leaving a brick of Philadelphia cream cheese to dry out. Secondly, nice beard! Soul patches went out in the ’70s.

That guy isn’t celebrating! Who’s that guy not celebrating! Kick him out of here! I don’t care if he has a ticket! You get out of here and good riddance!

The Greatest of All Time. Let’s hear it for the Cubs. GOAT! GOAT! GOAT!

Stephen Colbert’s Digital Doo

Stephen introduced a new segment about up and coming and ridiculous gadgetry which could have been called “Tech Talk,” but unfortunately the elaborate graphic scheme they came up with was thought of too late in the day to actually happen, so, looking around his office, he seized upon a wonderful, charming didgeridoo in his possession and decided to name the segment “Digital Doo.” And now, without further ad-doo….

(laughing) It’s a rich and versatile instrument!

 

First gadget is the new Google and Levi “Smart pants”:

It’s about time! My old dumb pants can’t even remember my waist size. (talks to waist) It’s 32, you idiot! You’re strangling me.

Pretty soon, all your calls can be butt dials.

You won’t have to reach all the way into your pocket to use your phone, you can swipe the outside of your pocket, saving you several precious seconds per day, and that’s time you can spend explaining the police why you’re grabbing your crotch in public.

 

Second gadget is the Chevy Malibu Teen-tracker:

It might hard to believe, but I’m old enough to have children…that I know of. And any parent of teenagers these days will tell you they are masters of tech. But there’s a new technology that will help parents master the teens.

 

Third gadget (related issue): selfies

Cate Blanchett

“Stealth Australian” (because everyone assumes she is British) actress Cate Blanchett came out and asked Stephen why he wasn’t playing his didgeridoo for her, as she is an Aussie. He obliged, and she was impressed with his skills. Their flirty exchange involved ear lobe touching, followed by a display of Stephen’s ear trick of course. Stephen then fanboy-ed over notable films in her career, including a personal favorite of his, Notes on a Scandal. They then concluded by Cate reading an actual consumer Q & A excerpt for a travel blender in which the blender-user clearly was on the edge of losing his/her sh*t. He played her out again on the digeridoo.

Brian Chesky

The AirBnb founder explained the origins of his company: in 2007 he and his roommate hosted some out of town visitors on air matresses when a convention sold out all the area hotels in San Francisco. From there, AirBnb literally blew up to host millions of people in 180 countries around the world - just not Iran, North Korea, or Syria. However, they have recently opened up AirBnbs in Cuba.

The conversation drifted into the nature of people selling their own home space, essentially opening up to having boarders, and Chesky commented on how many of his AirBnb hosts feel that the added income has been very essential, particularly during the Great Recession. When Stephen asked Chesky if he was a billionaire, he demurred, but did shout out his parents in the audience, saying that when he was starting out, their primary concern was that he had a job with health care insurance, so I guess he done good on that.

Stephen Finally Gets to Tackle a Robot

Lastly, Coach Buddy Tevens and engineer (and former college football player) Elliot Kasner from Dartmouth’s Robotic MVP project were on hand to present their robotic tackling dummy, which is intended to help train their players, but also reduce traumatic brain injury. Of course, Stephen had to attempt to take a shot at the dummy.