EPISODE NUMBER: Season 1, Episode 18 (Thursday, October 1, 2015)
GUESTS: John Kerry | Claire Danes | PewDiePie
STAFF CAMEO(S): Tyler G Hall (as Marc Rubio Staffer)
SEGMENTS: Monologue | Won’t You Please Help Marco Rubio Staffers? | John Kerry | Claire Danes | PewDiePie | Soothing Industrial Frosting Sign-off
SUIT REPORT: Gray suit | White Shirt | Navy Tie

Stephen came onstage with some sprightly bell kicks, giving us a foretaste of a hell of show to follow. The highlight had to be Tyler the Marco Rubio staffer. I don’t know who that kid is, but apparently he surprised the master by un-scriptedly jumping onto Stephen’s lap and adding even more hilarity to the campaign fund raising segment. It was, as likely millions of comments will say, a very Colbert Report-like segment. I really do miss Stephen’s take on world affairs, so as a longtime fan it’s very pleasing.

The rest of the episode was dominated by interviews (I’m still getting used to all this talking!) John Kerry has been a player in world events as of late, so his presence gave the show even more gravitas. Claire Danes seemed over-awed by Stephen’s genuine fandom of her work. PewDiePie was hot and Swedish, and smacked of being the YouTube star he is.

Monologue

• Hey, did you guys catch the game tonight, that hasn’t been on yet? That sure was some sweet athletic action, I know one team put the ball in the score area enough times to win. But to ME, all the ball people are winners.

• Nobody knows where [Hurricane Joaquin] where it’s going to make landfall, but meteorologists predict with absolute certainty that the bottled water aisle of your grocery store will be devastated.

• Again, Hurricane Joaquin is intense and erratic like its namesake, Joaquin Phoenix.

• [John Kerry] has one of the most important jobs in the wold, and if Donald Trump is elected, Kerry will be succeeded by Gary Busey.

Won’t You Please Help Marco Rubio Staffers?

• The Iowa caucuses are just a scant four months away, meaning the presidential election is just around the corner from the corner we haven’t gotten around yet. But the campaign is already in gear. That gear? Neutral.

• [26 million dollars raised for Bernie Sanders campaign] I had no idea you could make that much money on Etsy.

• This summer I gave Jeb Bush 3 dollars. They actually had a button for that amount. And it perfectly matched how much I want him to be president. (defensively) It’s not zero. Then again on the way to work today, I gave a homeless guy a Fiver.

• These campaigns need a constant influx of money to pay for things like offices and phones and staff, so the staff will have an office to call you on the phone to ask for more money.

• And now comes another breakthrough moment in campaign fundraising thanks to Florida senator and Sears-portrait-gallery-sample-dad, Marco Rubio.

• That really pulls at the heartstrings. I wasn’t going to donate to Marco Rubio, but I can’t let his staff, who are evidently orphans, go unpurchased. And for your $250, you’ll get recognition on twitter and their website, an update from the staffer you adopted, and a postcard from their team. As true conservatives, they might even write a message on it about how inefficient the government is, before having it delivered anywhere in the country for 35 cents.

Hello. I’m Stephen Colbert. As I speak, Rubio campaign staffers are digging through garbage looking for used coffee filters to turn into tacos. These staffers work 80 hours a week, and use wet paper towels to take a bum shower in the bathroom of an Iowa Dunkin Donuts. But for just $250 a day, the price of a cup of coffee every 11 minutes, which is less than they drink, you can send these staffers the help they so desperately need to keep going, like more coffee, Red Bull, and let’s just say, New Hampshire marching powder. So please call today, or don’t. They’ll call you, because they are on phone duty for the next 12 hours.

Stephen: Tragically, Tyler here volunteered for the Perry campaign, and now he has to be put down.
Tyler: (mournfully) I went to Harvard.
Stephen: Shh! None of that matters now. Please give today. Let’s go for a drive, buddy.

Interview — John Kerry

Mr. Kerry is on board to discuss the joy of not having to ask for donations as Secretary of State, the Iran nuclear deal, and sitting down with Russia for a strategy combatting ISIL in Syria. Kerry also introduces us to a new diplomatic word, “deconflicting.” He then goes on to talk about the plight of the refugees, and the need for a political solution to address their situation. He believes that Assad should step down.

Stephen: Willie Nelson was asking [the late Richard Holbrooke] about Dennis Kucinich’s idea of creating a “Department of Peace.” We have a Defense Department, why not a Peace Department? And Richard Holbrooke said to Willie, “we have one, it’s call the State Department.” So thank you for your diligence in making it a reality around the world.

Interview — Claire Danes

Stephen teases Claire about her Homeland character. Claire looks cute. She goes onto explain all the twists and turns that have afflicted her character as of late. Stephen, riffing on the often random story lines of the show, comes up with his own in just seconds, and starts writing it down. They then muse about the dysfunctional nature of the characters she plays. She continues to be adorable.

Interview — PewDiePie

PewDiePie is a super-hot Swedish guy (aren’t all Swedish people super-hot?) who makes YouTube gaming videos for a living and earned 7 million dollars last year. Stephen basically lovingly tears him a new one over it:

Stephen: If you play games for a living, what do you do to relax? Go to an office and sit there for a few hours? […] Congratulations on just f*cking around all day and having cash arrive in the mail.

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Please sound off on how you liked the show in the comments!