EPISODE NUMBER: Season 1, Episode 8 (Thursday, September 17, 2015)
GUESTS: Trevor Noah | Ban Ki-moon | Chris Stapleton
SEGMENTS: Stephen Is Psyched for Thursday Night Football | The Second Republican Debate JUST Ended | New York is Ready for the Pope | Trevor Noah | Introducing Stephen’s New Lifestyle Brand | Ban Ki-moon | Chris Stapleton - “Nobody to Blame”
SUIT REPORT: Light Grey Suit | White Shirt | Grey Stripped Tie
Stephen Is Psyched for Thursday Night Football
The audience welcomed Stephen with a warm blanket of ego stroke, and after the audience sat down in the expensive new seats, Stephen got straight to starting the show. First topic of discussion was the big Thursday night football game between the Denver Broncos and the Kansas City Chiefs. Or as most of us on the East Coast referred to it as “the thing that delayed the show”. Stephen went into giving us post game coverage, after the graphic was out of the way. Now, Stephen tapes the show early as we all know, so he kept his game coverage very generic. Stephen began his post game speeches to the teams. To the losing team which we learned was the Kansas City Chiefs, Stephen wants them to hunker down and really want it next time. To the winning team The Denver Broncos, Stephen reminds them they gave 110%, and to take whatever they left on the field off the field, cause it’s a hazard to the next team that plays. Stephen then gives his congratulations to the winning team on the green screened football helmet. Don’t worry Stephen, we all saw the winning team’s logo. Next it was almost time for Papa Jon to lay down some riffs to make grooovin’ behoovin’, but before that Stephen needed to say his first Trump joke of the night.
- -Quarterback Tom Brady has endorsed Donald Trump for president. Apparently Trump’s head has just the right amount of deflation.
The Second Republican Debate JUST Ended
Over at the desk, Stephen fixed himself a delicious cup of tepid coffee. He stayed up late to watch the second GOP debate on CNN. He wasnʼt sure if it had ended, so he cracked open a Red Bull. The GOP debate was “…the highest-rated event in CNNʼs history…” This was large in part to - yes, you guessed it - Donald Trump. The debate went on for so long that Jeb Bush actually joined Vine, while he was on stage debating. That is not a joke! Rand Paul exchanged some words with The Donald.
Rand Paul: I think really thereʼs a sophomoric quality that is entertaining about Mr. Trump, but I am worried. […] His visceral response to attack people on their appearance - short, tall, fat, ugly - my goodness. That happened in junior high.
Donald Trump: I never attacked him on his looks, and believe me, thereʼs plenty of subject matter right there.
- Thatʼs a good dig by a man who looks like a microwaved Circus Peanut. Like a honey- glazed tiger testicle. Like a catheter bag full of candy corn. See you on the 22nd, sir!
Rand Paul narced on Jeb Bush for smoking pot in high school. Bush admitted that he smoked marijuana forty years ago. Stephen gleefully declared that Jeb Bush is a pothead.
New York is Ready for the Pope
As America’s most famous Catholic, it is no surprise that Stephen is extremely excited for Pope Francis’ upcoming visit to New York City on September 24th. More than 93,000 New Yorkers entered a lottery to see the Pope in Central Park and at Madison Square Garden, the Pope will address a crowd of over 19,000 people. Cardinal Timothy Dolan unveiled the Pope’s chair for the Mass at Madison Square Garden. According to Cardinal Donal, the chair is exactly what the Pope asked for.
Cardinal Timothy Donal: He wanted something very simple. He didn’t want any designs.
More than anything, Stephen wants Pope Francis to come on the Late Show. He has designed a chair even more humble than the Pope’s Madison Square Garden chair. Just what is this humble chair for his Holiness?
Interview - Trevor Noah
Tonight, Stephen welcomed the new face of The Daily Show (as of September 28th), host and South African native Trevor Noah. He offered his congratulations and reminded him of the fact that he’s stepping into the seat of ‘the legend of talk shows’ and claimed he’s crazy for it. Trevor states that he is aware that he cannot live up to Jon Stewart, but Colbert knows how humble Jon can be and says that he disagrees, because Jon thought he was the right guy for the job. Trevor claimed Jon as being a ‘Jewish Yoda’ type, regarding his response when he asked about how the show should be by saying:
“The Daily Show is, what The Daily Show should be, for you, to be the best show you can make.”
Jon’s true words of wisdom was for him to trust what he is more uncomfortable with, as that’s probably the right way to go.
They delved into Trevor’s past works, a show in South Africa entitled Tonight, which aired once a week, sans pictures and completely done via descriptions, due to no image rights. Satire was only existent in South Africa post-1990.
Stephen asks him how the format of the new show will be, and he claims he suffers from the same things people suffer from here, therefore, the show will be relevant, though ‘with a global perspective’.
Introducing Stephen’s New Lifestyle Brand
Never one to shy away from a prime opportunity, Stephen has done what any of the moment celebrity (except Alan Rickman) would do, and that is, to create their very own lifestyle brand.
- Yes, it is now possible for everyone to achieve the exact same one of a kind curated lifestyle, by buying it from a celebrity.
Blake Lively: You have an acting career and you think of it as, well this is my craft, and this is an art. But really this day and age, each person is their own brand.
- Yes, you might think you’re a person. But really, you’re a brand.
- And when two brands love each other very much, they share a special hug and become parent companies.
As a celebrity, my life is filled with luxury items, hand selected jewellery, and allusion of free time. If you’re like me, and I am, you’re a unique individual who wants to be just like Stephen Colbert. And that means more than looking like “The Great Gatsby” threw up on you. To help people like us, I’ve founded my new company, Covetton House. At Covetton House, we combine classic southern living, the breezy charm of the English countryside and whatever they had leftover at the prop warehouse.
Of course, people think of me as a talk show host, but my real passion, ever since I was a child, is being a brand. That’s why every time my parents said my name, I’d sue them for trademark infringement.
Interview — Ban Ki-Moon
Stephen welcomed Ban Ki-moon as his second guest of the night, thanking him for the traffic the 70th session of the United Nations is currently causing in new York City. Ban Ki-moon, as it turns out, has a good sense of humour, noting that the UN chambers are much more humble than the bright lights of new ‘Late Show’ set, and asked if he could borrow the ‘Pope chair’ for his upcoming meeting with the Pope.
Ban Ki-moon believes that the number one human rights challenge the world is facing right now, is the abuse of the human rights of those vulnerable people caught in areas of conflict around the world. To aid those in need, the U.N. is mobilising all of its nation states and agencies to help bring live saving assistance and daily necessities to those in need.
Stephen: Now, you are a diplomat, and you have to be diplomatic to everyone. But there are some, craaazy, world leaders out there, who want to come speak at the U.N.. What are some of the most difficult people you’ve had to deal with over the years? Let’s dish.
Ban Ki-moon: I have lot of secret stories to tell you. Maybe when I retire, I can do it.
Stephen: *brings out two Cosmos’*
Ban Ki-moon: With the help of some alcohol, let me tell you one thing. You know Gadhafi, the former leader of Libya. He came to the United Nations, and he was making a looong speech. Normally all presidents and prime ministers, they are given fifteen minutes. He was speaking for one hundred minutes. By that time, the interpreter, he brought his own Arabic interpreter. He couldn’t continue, he said ‘I cannot go like this, can anybody help me?’ then he collapsed.