EPISODE NUMBER: Season 1, Episode 5 (Monday, September 14, 2015)
GUESTS: Emily Blunt | Stephen Breyer | The Dead Weather
SPECIAL GUEST(S): Novak Djokovic
SEGMENTS: Stephen Is Furious About the Latest “Star Wars” News | Stephen Faces Off Against Novak Djokovic | Trump Will Be Ready on Day One-ish | Stephen Colbert Gets All Up in Your Faith | Emily Blunt | Better Know a Breyer | Justice Stephen Breyer | The Dead Weather - “I Feel Love (Every Million Miles)”
SUIT REPORT: Blue Suit | White Shirt | Blue Tie

Hello! Welcome back to a brand new week of Episode Guides! Last night we had a fantastic show. Stephen showed us his super hero skills, and sang with the lovely Emily Blunt. But, most importantly Nation, we got our first under the desk high five! All this and much more happened on last night’s show, so let’s get started.

Stephen Is Furious About the Latest “Star Wars” News

Stephen entered the stage with his usual joyous dance moves. He greeted us all, and began to say that he might seem a little distracted. Of course Stephen had good reasons to be distracted, as he explained that the new ‘Star Wars’ movie will be coming out a day earlier in England. Stephen’s fanboy heart was broken, as he told us the story of how he is the biggest ‘Star Wars’ fan. So much so, that when he was 13 he won tickets to see a preview of the movie before any one else. Claiming him to have been a fan 3 weeks earlier than the rest of the country. Stephen even proves to us how big of a ‘Star Wars’ fan he is by showing us his prompter, which was written in ‘Star Wars’ like text. Stephen began to go further expressing his anger, so much so that he started to speak like a certain ‘Star Wars’ character.

• So mad this makes me, speaking like Yoda I am. I mean pissed I am off.

Stephen then goes on, and introduces the great guests he had for the evening. He also took a moment and asked Jon Batiste if he watched the ‘U.S Open Final’. To which Jon replied his famous “YEAHHHHH”, and then no. Stephen then explained to Jon and the rest of us, who won and proceeded to bring the champion Novak Djokovic to the stage. Stephen and Novak then started discussing the kind of prizes he won. One of these prizes was the beautiful trophy, and the other was even greater. Novak got to fire tennis balls at Stephen. But, not to worry Stephen was going to protect himself with the one … the only … Captain America Shield! Before they started Stephen had to set up the scenario.

• In this scenario, I’m the new Captain America, and you’re the captain of Hydra’s tennis team.

Trump Will Be Ready on Day One-ish

Time to head over to the desk. Stephen started off by getting the audience involved in a little joke, that lead us to his topic of discussion.

Stephen: Knock Knock
Audience: Who’s there?
Stephen: Orange
Audience: Orange who?
Stephen : Speaking of Donald Trump

Stephen explained that according to Donald Trump, he would be able to handle the military very well. Trump feels like he was a part of the military, because of his experience at a military themed boarding school. Stephen understands how Trump could feel that way. Stephen then went on to say that he always felt like a NASCAR driver, cause he had a race car bed as a kid. Stephen went further into describing the comments Trump made on his “military experience”. Trump said his school experience gave him more training than some guys that go in the military. Stephen pointed out that of course it did, cause Trump even got the highest of honors, “The Neatness and Order Medal”. We then learned that Trump only went to this school because of past bad behavior in another school. He gave a teacher a black eye for claiming that the teacher knew nothing about music. Stephen then took some notes. He will not be having YO-YO MA and Trump on the show at the same time.

Next, Stephen wished his Jewish viewers a Happy Rosh Hashanah, and to his non-Jewish viewers a Happy National Eat a Hoagie Day. Then Stephen went into a segment that seemed a little familiar to us. Not ‘This Week in God’, but ‘Stephen Colbert Gets All Up in Your Faith’. This week Stephen gets all up in Buddhism. Stephen talks about the Dalai Lama. The Dalai Lama believes that he might not be reincarnated. What happened next is something we the Nation have been waiting for, the first under the desk high five!

• But it turns out this Lama might me Alpackin it in *Under the desk high five*

After we got this moment, Stephen explained how the Dalai Lama thinks he will no longer be reincarnated. He makes a joke that he expected would lead to another under the desk high five, but the person under the desk found the joke undeserving. Stephen finally goes in, and demands he get his high five. Stephen explains why the Dalai Lama not reincarnating poses some political problems with China. China is not taking no for an answer, and demands that the Dalai Lama reincarnate. Stephen suggest that the Dalai Lama should watch out, cause if he doesn’t reincarnate, they might kill him.

Interview - Emily Blunt

Time for Emily Blunt! Emily enters the stage. She greeted Stephen with a hug, and the two headed over to the desk. Emily and Stephen took a second to admire the beautiful theater. Stephen even welcomed Emily to sing, after all the show is at a Broadway theater now. Emily asked Stephen if he would join her in song, and so he did. The two sang a little bit of ‘On the Street Where You Live’. Emily even complimented Stephen on his singing skills.

Emily: Oh a trill as well.
Stephen: Baby doll, they don’t give you one of these jobs unless you can trill.
Emily: What a gift you have.

After the two sang for us, Stephen jumped into the interview. The two talked about Emily’s upcoming movie ‘Sicario’, which opens in theaters nationwide October 2, 2015. They discussed what it means to look tough. Emily and Stephen also discussed what it’s like today for an actress in Hollywood. The two talked about Emily’s co star, Benicio del Toro. After that, Stephen congratulated Emily on recently becoming an American citizen. He even tested her American accent. She passed the test, as she pronounced “ ‘Murica “ correctly. Stephen said all she needs now is a shotgun and a flag. Stephen then went on saying that the two have something in common. They both like to fake gag.

Emily: You don’t understand, my husband and I are obsessed with your puke takes. It’s just our favorite thing. We do it all the time.
Stephen: Alright well good, thats’ good. Cause let’s try something here. I think that pretending to throw up can almost make anything better.

Stephen and Emily both decided to say some lines from a film while gagging. This is when we got to see “Actors Nauseated by Gone with the Wind”. Stephen and Emily proved they are both champs at fake gagging.

Better Know a Breyer

Before bringing out Justice Stephen Breyer, Stephen gave us a little background information on him. He did a little Better Know A Justice/Supreme Court. Here we learned that the Supreme Court is just like a regular court, but with additional toppings. Stephen educates us on the Supreme Court, and it’s rules. Stephen then tells us about Justice Breyer. We learn that he is not Mr. Burns form ‘The Simpsons’. Justice Breyer was nominated by President Clinton, not to be confused in a 2017 re-run of the show with Hillary Clinton. He is a highly educated man studying at Harvard, Oxford ,and Stanford universities. Stephen then ends this segment, letting us know this interview might end with him having to serve 200 hours of community service.

Interview - Stephen Breyer

The Stephen v. Breyer interview began. Justice Breyer informed us what it was like to be a Justice. It’s a lifetime job that may not be for everyone, but it’s definitely the right job for Justice Breyer. Breyer explains that being a Justice is tough work, but being a Junior Justice is even tougher. Although it may not be like pledging, the job of the Junior Justice was to open the door every time someone knocked. Breyer was very good at that job. Stephen and Breyer then talk about why cameras aren’t allowed in the Supreme Court. Breyer gives us all a very well thought and insightful answer to this question.

Stephen: Why can’t we watch you, if the Supreme Court, repeatedly rules that we can be watched by the government?
Breyer: I’m in a job where we wear black robes in part because we’re speaking for the law . Everybody knows we’re human beings.
Stephen: And part to make you spooky.
Breyer: That’s a thought. But, the country doesn’t wanna know the Constitution according to Breyer or according to O’Connor. They want to know what the answer to this thing is, and that’s true of the process. If you had cameras right there in the process of oral argument, if you had that. We don’t know what the reaction exactly would be, among the lawyers and others . The oral argument is abut 5 % of the basis for deciding a case. It’s almost all in writing…. When I’m deciding a case, I’m deciding it for 315 million people who are not in that court room. The rule of law and the rule of interpretation applies to everybody, but human beings correctly and decently relate to people they see. They’ll see two lawyers, and they’ll see two clients. Will they understand the whole story.

Stephen then launched into another important question of how Justice Breyer is able to civilly work with his colleagues, who disagree with him probably half of the time. Justice Breyer informs us all that when it comes to being in that room and deciding on a case, the Justice’s have the utmost respect for everyone in the room, and that they are all friends despite their different views.

The Dead Weather – “I Feel Love (Every Million Miles)”

Last, but not least we have a performance by ‘The Dead Weather’. They performed the song ‘ I Feel Love (Every Million Miles). After their great performance Stephen thanked the band (which Jack White was in), and said goodnight. If you stayed long enough to watch the ending credits, you could see Stephen do one of his spins in the distance.

That wraps up everything from last night’s show. We were treated with singing, dancing, fake gagging, and much much more. I hope you all enjoyed the guide! Lookout for a guide about Tuesday’s show coming up soon. Thanks for reading!