EPISODE NUMBER: Season 1, Episode 4 (Friday, September 11, 2015)
GUESTS: Amy Schumer | Stephen King | Troubled Waters
SPECIAL GUEST(S): Laura Linney | Paul Simons
SEGMENTS: The Late Night Wars Are On | Hillary Is Planning to be More Spontaneous | Stephen Colbert and Laura Linney for Yesterday’s Coffee | Amy Schumer (Actress/Writer - “Inside Amy Schumer”) | Unseen Mysteries of the Hidden Secrets | Stephen King (Author) | Troubled Waters - “Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard” | An American Tune
SUIT REPORT: Black Suit | White Shirt | Light Blue/Silver Stripped Tie | Black Lives Matter Bracelet

Hello Everyone!! Welcome to the last guide of the week!! Stephen had some incredible guests on Friday night, including a special surprise musical guest. We also got to see a new segment, and a skit! I hope you all enjoy the guide, for Stephen’s first ever Friday show!

The Late Night Wars Are On

Stephen entered the stage for the last show of the week with as much enthusiasm and excitement as the previous nights. Stephen and Jon joined in a little dance session. The high kicks are becoming a new signature move for Stephen. Stephen stopped to stretch a bit after doing those dance moves, and then gave us one of his signature spins before greeting us all. Stephen let us know that this was his first ever Friday show in his career. ‘The Colbert Report’ was only on Monday- Thursday along with ‘The Daily Show’. Looks like Stephen can no longer go to TGIT, and will have to find another place to celebrate after finishing off for the week, perhaps ‘TGIF’ instead. He let us know that it was casual Friday at ‘The Late Show’ , and that he was wearing a slightly less dressy tie, and decided not to wear something else. Stephen then started to thank his fellow late night comrades for the gracious gifts they have sent him during the week. Jimmy Fallon sent over a photo booth, so the staff could have fun taking pictures on their first day. But with the big problem the staff had getting the first show out to the network, I don’t think they had time to use it, and Stephen agreed.

• Thank you Jimmy. Of course nobody could use it, cause we were all so busy. But, 200 photos of an empty stool tell a poignant story all on their own.

Stephen then went on to name the other gifts that were received from his late night friends. Jimmy Kimmel bought the whole staff lunch, and Seth Meyers sent over some guacamole and chips. Conan O’Brien, Larry Wilmore, John Oliver, and ‘The Daily Show’ sent over some desserts. James Corden also threw the staff a cocktail party that night. Stephen appreciated the gifts, but he came to the conclusion that this could only mean one thing … a war! But, perhaps a nicer war, a thank you war.

• All of these gifts from my colleagues make one thing clear, that as much as I don’t want it, the late night wars are on. It’s a ruthless no holds barred battle royale over who could be the most gracious and giving host. Well count me in, all those other shows can expect some highly personal thank you notes. And trust me they will contain some extremely sincere language.

As soon as Stephen got to the desk he started by saying that this was a very important week for him, not just because it was their first week, but because of the incredible guests he was able to have on this week. Stephen mentioned that he had Jeb Bush on the show Tuesday night. Stephen and Jon then started in a Jeb singing battle. Jon ultimately won, but Stephen did get the last word in, Jeb!

Hillary Is Planning to be More Spontaneous

Stephen went on to say how he had a very touching, and memorable interview with Vice President Joe Biden. Stephen discussed why he believes people want Mr. Biden to run for office in 2016. He’s kind, genuine, and an authentic person, and that appearing genuine and authentic was posing a problem for a certain candidate, Hillary Clinton. Stephen then starts talking about Hillary Clinton, and how she has dropped 11 points behind Bernie Sanders in New Hampshire. Stephen suggested that maybe we could all get to know Hillary better if we could just read her emails. Stephen suggests that she show more humor and heart, and luckily her aides agree. Stephen thinks the best way for her to show heart is to smell some roses, but only between 9:30 and 9:32! Stephen’s frustration with all this began to show not only in his face, but his hair as well.

Stephen suggested a joke for the humor quality that Hillary needs, but Stephen was the only one who could tell the real punchline, without having to alienate left leaning democrats.

• By the way, the difference between Bernie’s hair and Donald Trump’s hair is that with Bernie the carpet matches the drapes.

Stephen Colbert and Laura Linney for Yesterday’s Coffee

Stephen told us that he had been asked to endorse so many products. He even showed us the proper way to wear a watch. Stephen also told us about the latest product he was asked to promote “Yesterday’s Coffee”. In this skit Stephen and Laura Linney did a commercial for “Yesterday’s Coffee”, it tastes like you made it today! The skit takes a dramatic turn. Stephen and Laura or rather “Ted and Jill” begin to argue about why they can’t do anything, because they have to make yesterday’s coffee today for tomorrow. But soon they both come to the conclusion, that being one pot of coffee ahead in life isn’t always important.

Jill (Laura): For the rest of our lives, we will always be one pot of coffee ahead.
Ted (Stephen): Until that day when I make a pot of coffee that neither of us will ever drink.
Jill (Laura): I’m gonna lie down.

Interview — Amy Schumer

It was time for Amy Schumer to come on! Amy and Stephen greeted each other while dancing, and then embraced in a welcoming hug. The two discussed how they both were on the cover of GQ Magazine. Stephen wanted to go with the Star Wars theme, but Amy took that first. Luckily she did or else GQ would have asked Stephen to wear a leather bra, but apparently Stephen really didn’t need to be asked to wear one. The two then talked about their time at the ‘Glamour Women of the Year Awards’ where the two last saw each other. Amy told the story about how while she was too “glamorous” she took Katie Couric’s phone, and texted Katie’s husband. Amy claims Stephen was an accomplice, and didn’t try to stop her. But, Stephen was enjoying this moment far too much to destroy it. They then discussed how Amy once rented Jake Gyllenhaal’s apartment. She shared a clip of her eating his old frozen cake whilst being a little too “ glamorous”. Stephen then complimented Amy on her success, and this lead to what Amy called the saddest applause in the world. After Stephen and the rest of us finished cracking up from the saddest applause in the world, the two talked about something they had in common. They were both terrible high school students. Amy and Stephen then each apologized to some teachers they both gave hard time to when they were in school.

Amy: I’m sorry Mr Bresky (Businses law teacher), but I was not interested in learning about business law. That’s why I often found excuses to leave. Like one, telling you that I had my period , and two telling you that when a bee flew in the room , that I was allergic to them, and that I had to leave. I’m sorry.

Stephen: This is Mr. Huto, Ben Huto who was my choir teacher. I was a bit of a troubled kid, and I remember him when I was a junior in high school. I’d like to apologize, when I was a junior in high school you actually took me aside and said , why don’t you ever study or try to cut out of every class you’re in, and you won’t respond to any teachers who try to help you. And, I said your job is to teach me to sing and that is it. I apologize.

Unseen Mysteries of the Hidden Secrets

Stephen started to discuss how he is a man of science, but that science can’t answer everything , for instance who is Jim Gilmore? So he decided to fill these 4 minutes of the show by talking about cryptids. More specifically a cryptid in Stephen’s home state of South Carolina called The Bishopville Lizard Man. Stephen showed us a drawing, a shocking video, and pictures of the Lizard Man taken by some South Carolina residents. After looking at the photo Stephen isn’t too sure why Lizard Man is hiding , not when he has those “guns” to show off. After seeing some more “real” footage of the Lizard Man, we are able to see his “cat like reflexes”. Stephen was even inspired by these witnesses to tell us his encounter with the Lizard Man.

• Stephen: It was Christmas 2009. After spending the holiday with my family, I was on my way to return my rental car to the Charleston Airport. When suddenly my car was attacked by the lizard man. He scratched up the door and the hood, broke a tail light, and spilled a milkshake on the passenger seat. And, forgot to refill the gas tank.

Stephen finished telling his terrifying story of his Lizard Man encounter. Stephen hopes Lizard Man is captured soon, but not before Thanksgiving, Stephen still needs a rental car!

Interview — Stephen King

Stephen and Stephen started the interview by pointing out the screams of joy the audience welcomed Mr. King with. King tells us that even though people are terrified by his stories, people still want to hug him. King also pointed out some “bling” he got from President Barack Obama on Thursday. King received the ‘National Medal of Arts’, and no Stephen you can not touch the medal! We learn that King still gets scared to this day, and that he can make anything scary, even politics. As long as there is a “boogey man figure” with strange blonde hair, and a pumpkin skin tone. The two discussed how King will go on in his career, and that we can look forward to his series of short stories coming out November 3rd.

Colbert: Is there a goal, or is it just keep going till you’re dead? If that’s not too dark to say to Stephen King?
King: I’ll keep on going as long as I’m having a good time, and as long as the people who read the books are having a good time. And, when it stops being a good time for me or for them I’ll shut up. But, until then baby, I’m hanging around.

Troubled Waters - “Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard”

Stephen couldn’t get “the real Paul Simon”, so he got a Paul Simon cover band. One with a singer that had a striking resemblance to Paul Simon. Paul or rather “Alan” sang ‘Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard’ with Stephen, who also accompanied them in the whistle part of the song. Paul (“Alan”) closed out the show with “American Tune” and that marked the ending of the first ever Friday show!

Thank you all for joining us, and reading all the new guides for this week. You can all look forward to brand new guides with us starting Monday. Enjoy the weekend Nation!