EPISODE NUMBER: 10156 (September 18, 2014)
GUESTS: Terry Gilliam
SEGMENTS: Checky | No Boots on the Ground in Iraq | Sean Hannity’s Defense of Adrian Peterson | Terry Gilliam | Sign Off - Stuffed Elephant
SUIT REPORT: Dark Suit | Stripped Light Blue Shirt | Purple Patterned Tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, September 18, 2014
Checky
- I apologize! (Holds up iPhone 5.) This is my phone. I should have done this earlier. I’m just checking on the order status of my iPhone 6. It comes out tomorrow, but for some reason — oh! It’s here now! (whips out iPhone 6 from his pocket). So beautiful! (to the iPhone 5) You are worse than useless. I hate you! (to the 6) You are perfect and I will never stop loving you. This one comes pre-loaded with nude photos of Bono.
- I really needed this new gadget because it’s no secret that we are slaves to our electronic devices. At least that’s what Siri told me to say.
- Every day, we bury our heads in our phones, desperate to download every terabyte of information in the world, and the only price we pay is missing the world around us. Wow, that’s pretty deep — I should tweet that.
- But luckily, there’s a new app designed to help you screen your screen time.
HLN: need a reality check on how many times a day you check your phone? There’s a new app for that’s called Checky. It will show you how many times you check the phone!
- Yes, Checky. It beats the previous way to tell if you were checking your phone too much — walking into a mall fountain.
- Checky is a worthy successor to my previous favorite app for limiting phone usage, “Battery.”
HLN: So the best part, you can actually compare your phone checking average with other friends who also use the app.
- Right now, every time I check my phone — 69! New high score! My friends get to see if I’ve checked my phone more times than they’ve checked theirs.
- I’m killing it in my Fantasy Checky League. The League, so far, is just me and all my closest friends. There’s… Uh… Let’s see. There’s brown-haired guy. No, that’s me. Anyway, I’m sure I have a lot of friends. (sadly) Just look how cool my phone is.
No Boots on the Ground in Iraq
- Nation, with terror groups running roughshod all over The Middle East, America faces an existential threat unlike anything this country has ever known, and its name is Barack Obama.
- Cause when it comes to igniting a clash of civilizations based on centuries old animosity, this guy’s heart just isn’t in it. Listen to his non-committal commitment of American forces.
President Obama: “As I have said before, these American forces will not have a combat mission. We will not get dragged into another ground war in Iraq.”
- Well, not with that attitude, we won’t!
- Because there’s one thing this administration says they won’t do.
President Obama: “The notion that the United States should be putting boots on the ground, I think, would be a profound mistake.”
- Of course there won’t be American boots on the ground. Our shoes are all made in China.
- Sir, you claim, “No boots on the ground.” But what about the 1,600 troops we already have there? Do they not have boots? Are they barefoot, sir? They could stub a toe! And the VA is already overwhelmed!
Steve Doocy: “Here’s why the President is so sure there will be no boots on the ground. Because he just changed the name to ‘Forward Deployment.'”
Elisabeth Hasselbeck: “We know what that means. Why can’t you call ‘boots on the ground’, ‘boots on the ground?'”
Shep Smith: “Who are these boots on the ground? Who are the boots? Whose boots are they? Where are these boots coming from? Somebody’s imagination or are they real?”
Brian Kilmeade: “I would assume there are boots on the ground unless they’re in that Michael J. Fox, uh, hovercraft. That skateboard.”
- Well, Obama? Are the boots not on the ground because they’re on that Michael J. Fox hoverboard? Or are they not on the ground because our troops have turned into teen wolves and are dunking a basketball right now? Which Michael J. Fox movie is it? And please don’t say Casualties of War.
- Fortunately, Fox News guest and H.P. Lovecraft tribute name, Peter Hegseth, was able to resolve all the questions about the footwear, as well as the foot-when and the foot-why.
Peter Hegseth: “So this right here, Gretchen, is a conventional standard Army issue combat boot. This is what a trigger puller would wear. This is what I wore in Iraq. This is the massive Armed Forces. No one is talking about bringing them or having them on the ground at this point. What we’re talking about is a boot like this. (Holds up different boot) This is a boot of a special operator or one that they might wear.”
Gretchen Carlson: “I guess the point that you’re making is the boots that you brought to the show today may look different, but a boot is a boot.”
- The point is, different troops wear different boots. Which raises the question: Which footwear are we willing to put on the ground?
Get ready for a copious amount of footwear puns, Hubsters! The shoes in bold are the shoes that Stephen is holding up.
- I mean, Obama said he wouldn’t put boots on the ground. But apparently, that was a total Croc, because now he’s flip-flopping, which is making the American people say, “UGG!” And, “f*** me.” (Holds up a red stiletto) I’ve always said Obama is a loafer. But with his constant golfing, now he just looks like some kind of clown! Cause he knows boots on the ground are a slipper-y slope and the last thing he needs is another wedge issue. He needs to stop Converse-ing with our allies and “Just Do It” (holds up Nikes), cowboy! Otherwise, the whole country is going to be taking it in the booty.
Sean Hannity’s Defense of Adrian Peterson
- The biggest, but not the latest sad news out of the NFL, is the arrest of Minnesota Vikings running back, Adrian Peterson, on charges of child abuse, after he “…spanked his son so hard with a switch the boy suffered injuries all over his body…”
- Peterson was suspended indefinitely this week and Fox News’ Senior Nerf Football Chucker, Sean Hannity, was not pleased.
Sean Hannity: “I got hit with a strap — bam, bam, bam — by my father. And I have never been to a shrink. I will tell you that I deserved it. I think he (Adrian Peterson) went too far, but I don’t want to see this guy get a felony. I don’t want to see this guy lose his job.”
Dr. Robi Ludwig: “There is a difference between spanking and child abuse; spanking and corporal punishment. But we grew up in a time …”
Sean Hannity (seemingly ignoring the doctor): “I got it like this (takes off his belt and whips it on the news desk) — Agh, agh, agh!”
- I’m sorry. “Pumpkin patch” is the safe word Sean and I agreed on.
- But Hannity is right on this one. Adrian Peterson went too far, but the man deserves a second chance. After all, Sean’s dad whipped him with a belt, and he never needed to go to a psychotherapist. He just has to have them on his show three times a week.
- And Sean went on to explain just how unaffected he was by his childhood experience he can’t stop mentioning.
Sean Hannity: “So my father should have been arrested based on today’s standards?”
Panel member: “Maybe, yes.”
Sean Hannity: “That is nuts. I will tell you, I was not mentally bruised because my father hit me with a belt.”
- No, he was physically bruised. Mentally, he grew up to be a psychologically healthy adult who cleaves desperately to strong authority figures (Reagan and Bush graphic), lashes out at any perceived weakness (Obama graphic) and takes his belt off on live TV.
- Still, it didn’t take long for Hannity’s Great American Panel to turn into a great American intervention.
Sean Hannity: “We’re going to arrest everybody that has ever hit their kids?”
Mike Bako: “But it’s a changing time. Did your dad stick leaves in your mouth, like Adrian Peterson, before he hit him?”
Sean Hannity: “My dad punched me in the face when I talked back to him once and I deserved it.”
- See? All Hannity is saying is that some children deserve to be punched in the face. Although, it is sad to see that so many years later, the swelling still hasn’t gone down. (Graphic of Hannity’s face)
- The point is, our country’s gone soft. Not like in my day. When I was a kid and I didn’t eat my peas, my mom would bash me over the head with a folding chair. When I stayed out past dark, I could expect to see my dad waiting in the kitchen with a burlap sack and a rabid badger.
- And I deserved it every time. Not because I made an innocent childhood mistake, but because I am a bad, bad person. I am a failure, disappointing everyone I love.
- Oh, God! I’m embarrassing myself on national television.
- There’s only one way I’ll learn. (Takes off his belt and bashes it on the news desk) No! Bad! This will teach you to lose control on television! Never let them see who you really are!
- Anyway, keep up the good work, Sean. I’ll see you at the group on Wednesday.