August 5, 2014 — James Cameron

August 6, 2014 Clem (aka Katie) 5 comments

Open-Carry Trailblazers

I would try to stop you from chanting, but we know what happens when someone tries to stop The Colbert Nation. These people are locked and loaded.
Folks, speaking of which, you know I am a proud supporter of the Second Amendment. I consider it first among amendments that aren’t the first one.
But these days we gun advocates are being treated like common criminals.

“Dr. Peter Steinmetz was carrying an AR-15 over his shoulder when he was taken into custody last week. He told police he visited the airport to simply buy a cup of coffee.”

Of course. You’ve got to go to the airport for coffee. Airports are to coffee as bus stations are to nachos.
And yes, Steinmetz may have “…pointed an AR-15 assault rifle in the direction of a mother and her teenager daughter…” so obviously, we’re not looking at a brain surgeon here. He’s technically “A top neuroscientist.”
The point is, arrests like this are pure discrimination, and that hurts the children.
Fortunately, two gun lovers have written a new children’s book to help kids understand the open carry lifestyle.
It’s called “My Parents Open Carry.” It tells the heartwarming story of Brenna, her mom, and what looks like her other mom wearing a mustache.

Unlike other parents, Brenna’s mom and dad carry loaded weapons openly, which might make her feel different, but her father reassures her that…

“Brenna, there is evil in this world and we want to protect you the best we can. When seconds count, the police are minutes away.”

What a beautiful bedtime story. The world is full of maniacs who want to hurt you and the police can’t help. Good night, honey. Let me just open the window here so you can get a breeze. Turn off the lights. Good-bye.
Folks, “My Parents Open Carry” is long overdue. I wish there were more firearms in children’s books.

Stephen Colbert on the Very Hungry Caterpillar

I mean look at “The Very Hungry Caterpillar.” Someone is clearly out to get this guy. The entire book is riddled with bullet holes.

“Hard Choices” - Hillary Clinton

Folks, the 2016 Presidential Election is almost upon us and I for one cannot wait to see who the American people elect next for John Boehner to sue.
Of course, former First Lady, former Senator and former Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, is the current front-runner, which is surprising since it sounds like she can’t hold down a job.
Now, Secretary Clinton says she hasn’t made up her mind about whether she’s running yet, but me thinks she doth not make up her mind yet too much.
Let’s just look at the facts. One, she’s on a national book tour pushing her memoir “Hard Choices.” Two, she’s extremely qualified. Three, let’s forget about number two and just focus on the book thing.
Which, by the way, for the record, I don’t get. Sure, it’s been on the New York Times bestseller list for seven weeks and has sold more than 500,000 copies worldwide.

I recently picked up the audiobook. I like to listen to it when I’m on the treadmill at the gym rager-sizing.

Here’s the Colbert review. Here’s my review. This book is 656 pages of shameless name dropping.

“Tanzanian Prime Minister Mizengo Pinda and I do some planting at a women’s cooperative in Mlandizi.”

Thud. Did you catch that, TMZ? She just happened to be hanging out with Mizengo in Mlandizi. Not impressed.

“German Chancellor Angela Merkel has a great sense of humor.”

You heard it, folks. Hillary Clinton thinks German chancellors are a laugh riot. Heil hilarity.

“Here, Bono sits with me at the piano.”

Big deal! Bono sits with everybody at the piano!

Call me when you’re sitting with David Bowie at a didgeridoo.

I just don’t buy any of this. There is no way on earth one woman can be in so many places at once.

[Audience chants “Hillary! Hillary! Hillary!”]

Stephen: Don’t you dare! Don’t you dare! You were chanting my name four minutes ago, you two-timers. Well, well, Hillary Clinton!
Ms. Clinton: Who’s the name dropper now, Stephen?
Stephen: Oh, really? Name dropper? That’s not what my good friend Tom Hanks calls me when we’re hanging out at George Clooney’s place.
Ms. Clinton: Oh, I love George. I wish he could have joined us when I had lunch with Meryl Streep and Ecuadorian President Rafael Correa.
Stephen: Oh, Rafi. He is such a cut-up, especially when we go camping with Oprah.
Ms. Clinton: Oh?
Stephen: Does that surprise you?
Ms. Clinton: No, “O” is just what all her real friends call Oprah.
Stephen: I know Paul McCartney.
Ms. Clinton: I negotiated with Hamid Karzai.
Stephen: I shared an office with Steve Carell.
Ms. Clinton: I held high-level talks with Chinese State Counselor Dai Bingguo.
Stephen: Well, now you’re just making words up. I will have you know, Madam, I once did an entire show with President Bill Clinton.
Ms. Clinton: I hate to break this to you, Stephen, but I’ve met him, too.

Language Lessons From America’s Senior Citizens

Folks, some have said that the universal language is music. Others say that it’s love. Yet, I’ve always had trouble communicating via saxophone dry humping.
The real universal language is English. It’s a verbal skeleton key you can use to talk with anyone on earth, except your dry cleaner. “Donde esta my pants, Abilio!”
So it’s no wonder the world is desperate to learn English, which has opened the door for the Brazilian Language Training Company, CNA, to exploit a dangerous new source of English expertise.

CNA: “We created a tool that connects our students with seniors in the USA living in retirement homes.”

Student: “I live with my older brother. He has 23 years.”
Senior: “Do you know instead of saying, ‘He has 23 years,’ you could say, ‘He is 23 years old.'”

Nation, this is the most terrifying thing I have ever seen. And I have 50 years.
And Brazilian teens are taking more than just language from our illegal immi-gramps.

Senior: “If you were here, I would give you a big hug.” Student: “Oh, yeah, a hug.”
Senior: “You are my new granddaughter and I love you.” Student: “I love you, too.”

They’re stealing our love! I love you, too!!

Stephen Colbert on America’s Senior Citizens

No! Fight it!

Nation, these caring human relationships are an abomination.
In America you’re not supposed to communicate with the elderly. You’re supposed to store your feelings up all year until Christmas when you let it out with one emotionally charged, “Thank you for the sweater.”

Interview - James Cameron

James: I told the crew … I threw a crescent wrench overboard and said that just went to the deepest spot in the ocean. Getting down there is easy. And getting back is hard. That’s why we had to go through all the tech development. Why did I want to go? Curiosity. I wanted to see it with my own eyes. I wanted to see a place no one had seen before.
Stephen: It looks like a cock-eyed submarine. It looks like a submarine pointed down.
James: We called it the Vertical Torpedo. I said, “Guys, we’re going to build a Vertical Torpedo and drive it straight down.”
Stephen: That was my stripper name.

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