EPISODE NUMBER: 10126 (July 14, 2014)
GUESTS: Jad Abumrad & Robert Krulwich
SEGMENTS: Intro - 7/14/14 | World Cup Recap | Boehner v. Obama | Hobby Lobby Case | Vessyl Digital Cup | Jad Abumrad & Robert Krulwich | Sign Off - Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Dark Suit | Light Blue Checked Shirt | Navy Patterned Tie | Black Fitbit
VIDEOS: Monday, July 14, 2014
Intro - 7/14/14
Tonight, a victory or all religions, no matter what kind of Jesus you believe in. Then, a new high-tech weight loss product, finally you can feel cyber fat. And my guests tonight are the co-hosts of “Radiolab” which they call a show about curiosity. So lock up your cats. My show was nominated for six Emmys. And it had nothing to do with all my lesbian prison sex.
World Cup Recap
- Before vacation, I was swept up in World Cup fever! Riding high on Team USA’s thrilling series of winning [USA vs Ghana 2-1], tying [USSA vs. Portugal 2-2] and losing [USA vs. Belgium 0-1].
- But then we faced our eternal enemy, Belgium. Or as I call it Europe Rhose Island. And those waffle-sucking sort of Frenchies, crushed us like we were them in every world war.
- With America out of the picture it all came down to a death match between Germany and Argentina. Naturally I assumed it would be decided based on which country has the most living Nazi war criminals.
Boehner v. Obama
- Facing the last two years of his lifelong rule, Obama has sworn to use executive orders to ram his nefarious agenda down America’s gullet.
Barack Obama: We are not just going to be waiting for legislation in order to make sure that we’re providing Americans with the kind of help that they need. I’ve got a pen, and I’ve got a phone.
- He’s got a pen and a phone! He’s not only issuing executive orders, he’s stealing office supplies. Somebody better glue down the stapler in the Oval Office, then staple down the glue gun!
Betty Nguyen: House Speaker John Boehner says he is filing a lawsuit against the Obama administration on behalf of Congress. He’s accusing the President of going around the law by using executive orders.
- Thank God someone is finally suing Barack Obama. Though I always thought it would be whoever lives at 1601 Pennsylvania Avenue. I mean, those helicopters have got to be some kind of noise violation.
- And you’ll never guess what Boehner is suing Obama over. Unless you guessed Obamacare …
Poppy Harlow: Boehner says President Obama overstepped his authority when he delayed the employer mandate portion of Obamacare without first seeking Congressional approval.
John Boehner: What we’re talking about here are places where the President is basically rewriting law to make it fit his own needs.
- Yes, and Congress cannot sit idly by while the President rewrites their laws. They have to sit idly by while they not write laws.
- Now, conservatives like myself have supported a unitary executive and use of executive orders in the past. But there’s something about this President that makes the whole thing seem … shady. Something — I’m upset too. Something he shares with Attorney General Eric Holder.
Eric Holder: There’s a certain level of vehemence, it seems to me, that’s directed at me, directed at the President. […] There’s a certain racial component to this force. Some people … for some, there’s a racial animus.
- I’m not going to argue with Eric Holder on this one, because he might accuse me of racial animus. Then I’d have to look up the word “animus.” I think it means butthole.
- Well, Holder’s accusation brings me to another edition of my long award-losing segment, Thank You, Racism.
- You see, last week Eric Holder stood by his previous statement, that Americans are “essentially a nation of cowards” when it comes to talking about race. But Holder could not be further from the—let’s say—truth.
- But without my apparent distrust of black people, I wouldn’t have had the courage to suddenly be moved to protect the Constitution from the overreach I didn’t care about before. Now, I am standing up for America, or against Obama. Whatever, same diff.
Hobby Lobby Case
- while I was balls deep in cobbler over the Fourth, I learned—I was up to the blueberries, baby — I learned that I no longer have to pay for slut pills, aka whore pellets, aka Vitamin Bow Chicka Bow Wow.
Sean Hanity: The Supreme Court of the United States delivered a major blow to President Obama’s healthcare law today and a major victory for religious freedom. In a 5 - 4 decision, the Justice ruled in favour of the Hobby Lobby craft chain, saying that closely-held corporations can in fact opt out of the Obamacare contraception mandate due to religious objections.
Dan Henninger: This is a big victory for religious freedom.
Eric Bolling: This is a victory for common sense.
Bill O’Reilly: A victory for traditional Americans.
- Yes, victory! So break out the champagne, but not too much Hobby Lobby employees because your birth control is no longer covered. Be careful. Please, set your humping to “dry”.
- Yes, in a unanimous 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court’s Catholic men have ruled that a woman’s right to contraception does not trump her employer’s right to believe she shouldn’t be taking it.
- It’s based on the sound principle that the government doesn’t have the authority to force closely held corporations to violate their religious beliefs. Oh, and it’s probably not a big deal, but they also ruled that corporations have religious beliefs.
- Hobby Lobby, obviously Christian. Panda Express is Jewish … at Christmastime. And, Papa John’s, of course, is atheist, because their pizza makes you doubt there is a God.
Vessyl Digital Cup
- You probably already know this, but we live in a golden era of digital toys. My favourite are fitness trackers like the “Fitbit”. I got one right here, it uses motion sensors to record all of my exercise, and evidently I did not move today.
- But the most exciting personal info device is called, “Vessyl”. A brand-new digital cup that tracks and identifies all your beverages.
- A digital cup that can tell me what’s in the cup and how many calories and allow me to drink it? That level of information was previously available only on the can you just poured it out of.
- There are so many times when Vessyl’s beverage identifying technology will come in handy. Like when you order a Coke, but it tastes kind of like Diet Coke, but you’re not sure.
- And Vessyl will make sure you get your daily recommended allowance of silicon valley buzz words:
“The Vessyl automatically knows what’s inside and can track in real time the contents of your beverage. It tracks your realtime hydration needs but the main goal is to help you make healthier and more informed decisions in real time.”
- Finally, decisions in real time! I’m so tired of making up my mind hours after I’m done doing what I will have decided.
- This realtime works quickly, just watch as this guy pours a beer from a can into Vessyl which confirms it is beer. It’s like he’s not even drinking alone any more.
- Is there any aspect of being a cup this cup can’t do? And no wonder, because Vessyl is the culmination of seven years of work. Let’s put that into perspective. That is longer than the time between JFK’s call to put a man in the moon and the Apollo 11 landing.
- Nation, as far as I can see the only downside to Vessyl is that it will cost almost $200 and wont ship until early 2015. Early 2015, and that’s in realtime.
- It still only monitors your beverage intake, that’s only half the hydration equation. What about tracking your output?
- That’s why tonight I am excited to announce the pre-release idea launch of my new product, “Toylyt”.
- It’s the first cutting edge e-recepticle capable of handling all your 1.0 and 2.0 downloads … in real time.